A professor lived here

 After having to make a complete fuss, which I really don't like to do, I have collected a key for an office.

Hurrah. It was something I imagined when I first applied for the PhD. I was wondering how I could write in the cold months without a candle, being sure that this wouldn't be allowed for safety reasons. My daughter smartly suggested a battery operated candle, you know, the ones which look like they flicker.

This is a temporary arrangement. Just while they sort out something else. I'm not sure where that other space might be. Doesn't matter too much, as long as it's close enough to a toilet. But having a key to an office means I can come in early, if early calls me, and start doing something. That might be a writing project, or something YouTuber-y. Not sure yet. I'm still trying to find a balance between doing the work I need to do for University and the work I'm doing for myself. Both are important. And I do need to work harder and smarter -100%.

There are a couple of trips coming up which will give me some time to listen to some audio books, read a little, Vlog and create some book material. That excites mean. Meanwhile, this dusty office seems to need a good clean. Next to me is the name of the Professor who was the bellowing gent everyone feared. A chemistry expert, who has retired now, and this was his office. His scribblings on the white board in front of me show reactions of RMgBr+NaCNBr and a whole load of OH...hydrogen peroxide, I think, if my undergrad science brain serves me right. 

It's nice in here. Dusty, but nice. And as I have just heard that I'm not back in the Covid safe role after this week, I'd best settle in for now. 

Writing effectively during your PhD

 Writing effectively during your PhD

 

Trying to cover everything will make your work seem diluted and the point you are trying to make will not be as strong as it needs to be. Sitting on the fence, or writing passively will make your work seem less convincing and actually, pretty descriptive. Descriptive is not the point. 

 

Position and perspective is the basis of the argument. It does not mean you are biased. Your opinion should reflect your engagement with, and embeddedness within the academic literature of the field 

 

The take-home message, or outcome, is the most important thing of all when you are writing a thesis. If you know the end destination, you can walk the reader through the points you are making. It often helps to imagine who your target audience is, or what the reader is like. You can go as far as to create a complete profile for this person, to make your message clearer. Give them a name, age, description, what their background is and what they want to gain from reading your paper. 

 

If you find that writing a chapter might be unclear in your mind, the structure is often the problem. Mind maps are good for getting ideas out of your head and onto the page, but when you are aiming for a plan, draw a starting point, and endpoint and fill the blanks linearly. Easier and clearer for you and therefore, your reader. Aim for the endpoint. What is your endpoint? What is your ‘so what?’

Ensuring Covid safety in the Library.

 Perfect. Perfect manifestation and perfect chance to do what I need.

 

Working from the library, well I say working, I am making sure people have their masks on properly and are socially distancing themselves from each other. May 2021. We are not far off of being out of lockdown. But this library is open, I am the person being paid to ensure Covid safety but at the same time, I can continue with my research. Wonderful.

Walking up and down and round and round takes about 1500 steps. So, I work for an hour, walk the steps, enforce what I need to, go to the loo, remove my mask, drink a bottle of water and get back to my desk to sit for another hour of research.  Today, it’s ethics, 

 

This is the perfect job. Working at home was less productive than it should have been.  So, I’m counting my blessings for sure. 

 

The sun is streaming into the light brick building today. As I walk, I see historic photos all around of a naval time gone by. Beautiful.

 

“erm…” I began,

“Yeah, listen up, before you need to get all aggy, innit, I am just….gotta ask him summin innit,” the student said as he saw me approaching with my clipboard and lanyard of officiality around my neck.

“and that mask needs to be up over your nose,”

He fiddled with it a bit, “ahh yeah, sorry about that,” his London accent shone through.

“What you studying?” I asked and before he had a chance to answer I continued, “ not biomedical sciences? Else you would know that a virus goes in your nose, and out of it,” his mate sniggered behind me.

“Yeah, no not Biomed, I’m one of the ones saving the lives innit.”

“Pharmaceutical science? Yeah well, let's hope that saves lives shall we?” 

His mate chucked and sniggered, They both did. They know, like me, that we just don’t know enough about these things right now. But we have to do what we can.

 

Science library. Feels a bit like a bit of me. Then I wander on and stumble to the area labelled, “Journalism, Psychology, Philosophy,” that’s a bit of me too. 

PhD starts here!

 PhD starts here

 

Awake fifteen minutes later than I asked my subconscious to rise, I remembered. You know that few minutes between being awake and the time when all feel peaceful? I smiled at that feeling. 

Ph.D. researcher. In a subject which I think, and hope, I’ll love. 

 

My routine was planned. Up at six, bath bomb bath, make up, dressed, kettle, at my desk by seven for an hour writing and journaling before beginning the new role at eight. 

Today, it’s registration. 

 

That wasn’t going well. They had stated that I had a ‘pass’ on my MA results. Cheek! It was 1% from a distinction.  So made a note in the ‘notes’ section. Informing them that it was a Merit. And that put a halt to everything! The system didn’t like my justice. It said I was unable to register.

 

I didn’t quite know who I should ring about the registration issue, but I tried lots of different numbers. After lots of holding, listening to the same tune over and over (which amused me), I managed to get hold of a very helpful lady. I didn’t quite catch her name with her accent, and I didn’t quite catch the department that she said I should be speaking to either. It was tricky for me to try and understand what she was saying,

“can you spell that please?” I asked, but even with the spelling, I didn’t understand. Even she said she doesn’t know what it stands for. I used the email address she had given me and tried to contact them to say that there was a problem with my registration.

 

Despite my best efforts to get the registration done nothing seemed to happen by the end of the day, I promised myself I would finish at 2 o’clock. Just before five, I started to pack up for the day. I felt it prudent to tidy my desk, take away the empty cups, throw the matches in the bin, from the morning when I lit a candle. I would know that by the following day I will could begin with a tidy desk.

 

I’d forgotten that I had Mike Dooley‘s course in the evening which was all about manifestations. That was golden. He told me things that I didn’t think I hadn’t known about the law of attraction, and manifestations, and at the end of the course which was an hour and a half long I had ascertained what I needed. I was about to get very general about what I wanted. It turns out I want to live in complete bliss and joy. And I began to wonder if the frustrations from the registration situation had got me in a place where I was too late to turn back.  Was this going to fill me with bliss? I wasn’t sure of the answer yet, but I did know this was absolutely the best scenario for me to be in. Oh, my undergraduate science degree didn’t quite fit it didn’t quite suit me, it didn’t quite seem to be gelling as well as I would’ve liked to. I think because I was possible least that it’s not just about one thing for one solution it’s about a holistic approach and they didn’t seem to agree with me with that in the science department sometimes. However, now we can look at things as a holistic approach with this new Ph.D. system, as well as bringing in the creative writing skills that I gained from my MA. With the MA it seemed that that course was better suited to those who wrote fiction. But for me it’s all about life stories, that’s all I read, it’s all I ever seem to want to write about as well. Although I have enjoyed dabbling in some fiction, non fiction is my ideal scenario. It’s great to play with stories and characters, and live out fantasies through them. Ultimately talking phenomenology of Covid and Crohn’s patients is going to be ideal. It brings in mindset and belief systems and perception. Wayne Dyer said, open “when you change the way you look at things, so things you look at change.” 

I loved his work. He was so gentle. And I really do believe that you can change the way things are by the way that you look at them. Although I must be super careful that I don’t bring this into my PhD work as the Ph.D. participants are sharing their own experience, And I need to tell the story as if it is their experience. So that the reader can walk in their shoes.

 

 

 

PhD meeting has happened

Fresh out of a meeting with my academics who were there to advise me on exactly what might be on offer to me in the way of a phd.  I was excited to go there and speak with them and it's always been the dream to get a doctorate and be known as the leading expert on my subject.

However, I just needed to cry it seems! Idiot! Yes, I sat there and cried.

MY IVF story will be the subject I speak about in my phd and the book couldn't be published until after this time which will take 3-5 years.
Do I have that kind of time? I don't know.  Will I live that long? I don't know. If not, then I am going to die with the book still in me.


No way José.

This book needs writing and it's a good thing that they think it is so commercial that it is definitely worth getting it written and getting myself an agent at this point in time.

At the end of the day, this might be the end of my academic career.  But I just got a post graduate masters degree with a brilliant percentage and I need to be proud of that. With all that has gone on too.  But I can't help but be a little upset that I am leaving it here.  However, I do suspect they are right and that it's exactly the right thing to do for my career.

That said, the actual art of writing has been so difficult of late to get down onto paper as things are going on in life with Mum and the kids and house stuff too.  I can do this I'm sure.  But I need to get away and the academics suggested that is what all writers do too. I'm going to be doing that from now...

So, for now, no phd, but very much a lot of writing and searching for agents too.

I got this.  Time to dry my tears.]

I passed my MA!!!

Yesterday, shockingly, I saw a facebook post from one of my fellow students wishing,
     "Those who are getting results today good luck!"
     "Are we?" I asked with an open mouth and he said yes.
Instantly I looked and after trying to get online for Half an hour, I saw it, there was my mark for my dissertation.  Some quick mental maths and I think I have finished with a merit, close to distinction (I was hoping for distinction) and I am a very happy writer!!!

I'm a writer!


Oh gosh.

So it's time to begin thinking about the future and where I would like to be with all of this and to be honest, I really think I will be more open to accepting a publishing deal if one was offered.  This is something I wasn't sure about before.  My life seems to be moving in a direction I hadn't expected before as my children grow into adults and I settle into accepting support for managing a demanding mother. This might well be my time around about now.

The experts who know all about writing seem to have validated my skill of writing by giving me some amazing marks. So why not go for it!

Writing where I do it best

Can't sleep, so coffee, morning pages and a comfy purple sofa

Who am I?

Who even am I?

Yesterday saw an inspiring day at the Excel center for the summer in the city event.  Brilliant.

I arrived there feeling like I looked good, was confident and totally ready to embrace the learning that the event was about to bring me.  Yet I heard more about creating a niche than ever (They are right of course, but it left me feeling confused) and I also left feeling old.

Knowing I’m a sensitive soul is one thing, but Jasmine and I went to a stand to talk to someone about their merch and instantly they assumed I was her manager. Not that I might be a creator in my own right. Well I am.  And a monetized one too. People want to see my videos every week and also I have loads of people wanting to read my stories I write.  As well as very popular Facebook groups for those travelling to the hotels I travel to.

“Oh no she has her own channel too,” Jasmine said.

“Oh God, my dad has a channel and it’s so embarassing.” Said the other lady.  Was I embarrassing then? Jesus. What an awful thing to say. I thought I was a cool person.

Mum and Dad always critisied me and it has taken so much work to get myself to the place of not feeling like that anymore but one small comment and I’m right back there again.

Leaving feeling kinda ok, looking forward to chatting to someone I met on a dating app later in the evening with excitement, I was then met with a morning of waking up today feeling blue and grumpy.  After a conversation with the guy and feeling it didn’t go well, again, I just was swept into a downward spiral of feeling unwanted, good for nothing, unloved and useless.

Of course this isn’t an actual fact, it’s just how I’m feeling right now.  The sooner the feeling passes the better.

People seem to think I’m perfect, strong and indestructible. I’m not.  I’m trying hard to be all things to all people but it’s a struggle.

Now I have posed the question of

1.     am I a travel vlogger

2.     am I a writer

and I am yet to find the answer. The online poll I did saw people suggest I’m a writer which was sweet.  Settling into writing stories is something I would completely love of course but the belief that this is going to be enough on its own is a totally difficult belief in its own right.

If this is what people want, is this now who I am?  The academics at university seem to think so, so perhaps I should think so too.

Imposter syndrome at it’s worst, this is a really hard one to fathom after my confidence took a knock yesterday.