It's been a while since i have felt such strong manifestations around certain things. I mean, not so long really but like.....maybe since 3 weeks. Those manifestations that come to fruition and make you shake your head in disbelief (even if, by now you should always trust the universe) and smile as wide as the cheshire cat. This happened to me today. All about 50 shades of Grey. So...what happened is this. We have an essay to write as a critical essay. In other words, what was written well, not so well and all other controversial topics around it. Being of the romance genre, I decided I wanted to ask the question to the academic if this could possibly be around the topic of 50 shades of Grey! * What made it so popular if it wasn't great literature? * How was the film adapted in order to make the story more convincing? * What arguments have been had around this publication? Happy, happy me, I saw a reply to my email of yesterday from the tutor. He used exclamation marks a plenty as he said, "I'm already excited to read this as the biggest publishing phenomenon since Harry Potter." The email went on full of valid points that mean little to me at the moment but no doubt will become clear as I begin to research. Excusing myself from my mothers attentions at the lunch table (I was on a short fuse with her) as I replied to this exciting email that made me grin from ear to ear and as I clicked SEND, the music in the restaurant clicked on to the next track. "Love me like you do." OMG seriously? This was the title track to 50 shades! You have seriously got to be kidding me?!!! Thank you, for this validation. I am on the right track with my career path, I can feel it with all of my being. Never has my author journey felt so juicy.
Returning from an open day at my choice of uni here in Kent, I can't help but feel very floaty. Grey buildings which looked a little ugly and industrial were ignored as I walked into the conference suite which had grass on the walls as artwork. It was beautiful. The place felt nice. The coffee smelt welcoming. The English literature stand saw me gaining a helpful email address for the postgraduate administration team. That'll be useful. I also have a name of a potential supervisor who already has my email sitting in his inbox. He teaches life writing, biography and memoir - perfect! Following this skippy trip to the heart of Kent, I returned to my local town to pop in and say Hi to my fellow ambassadors. This is the first day I have missed working an open day and it's sad but times move on.
During a conversation with one of the people who work in the recruitment department, I was invited to do some public speaking as an Alumni for the STEM (science, technology, engineering and maths) recruitment days. With bells on! I'm there. This is a good day in relation to all these things. I'm always great at being an ambassador or being a good person to talk to yet....the actual work eludes me right now. Which is tricky. I need to crack on and start churning some more work out. Sooner rather than later. Is my personal life getting in the way? Should I possibly simply quit any other sort of life and become a workaholic once again?
On my Youtube channel we have been discussing the fact that I'm starting dating.
Well, yes, this seems irrelevant to blog writing about writing and my work in progress but you see it is actually very relevant indeed! Not only am I now opening myself up to experience matters of the heart once again but I am also opening up to sitting here in the library falling asleep at the keyboard!
My writing seems to have come to a slight standstill and I'm concerned. The MA at university has been good for so many reasons but also has stopped my creative flow as I am now having to think hard about what I am doing and I'm swaying away from my genre on multiple regular occasions. Should I just ignore the bits I don't feel like doing and crack on with the others?
Aiming for a good blog and Youtube audience is something which has always been on my radar and I could edit and write blogs all day, every day. As well as my stories of course. Perhaps taking things down the academic route is something which might be disrupting my flow. Even now, sitting here freewriting to you guys with the flying fingers over the keyboard, I feel happy. Tired, but happy.
The issue with dating and being a person who paints these pictures in her head of exactly what happened when (it's the writer in me I'm sure!) I find my head is in the clouds and studying seems to elude me. Today is no exception.
Trying to research settings and places within my MA is not really where I want to be right now. So do I quit for the day, go home, watch TV and doze with my dog and my daughter? Of course not, I have said this absolutely every day this week. Nothing has got done. It's all so slow to flow. Crazy.
My other issue is getting to the gym. I'm so motivated right now to work hard and get myself as strong as I can be. Another hospital letter dropped through the letter box, enlightening me to the fact that my Ankylosing Spondylitis is also now in my knees. So I really must put health as a number one without any doubt. Nothing else can come first.
Don't get me wrong, while last nights gentleman who has put those clouds over my head was extremely lovely, I'm now left here wondering if everything was ok or should I give up the entire thing and push on with my work. Guys mess with my head. But times when you just sit together chatting, loving, eating and drinking is so indulgent and precious and I totally love that. For me, it was escapism. Not only did I need it but it was completely consuming.
Goodness me. What is going on? Like, people are stopping me to tell me how awesome I am.
My writing is gathering momentum and I am publishing in the award winning uni mag now. I'm loving it quite frankly. Never did I imagine the dream might come into fruition.
Over the next few blog posts I will share what has been going on.
But for now, my new submission which has just been accepted is this one:
Letter to my future spouse.
What do you think you are doing?
Coming into my life and disrupting my
plans.
I mean, so much hurt from my past. Of
course the barriers are up.Who could
blame me?By now you will know the
stories, back to back.You might be
shocked to know I left some details out which I thought might be too painful
for you to hear.I even thought you
might not believe me.
Even before you came along, I refused to be
a man hater.Knowing that all the human
race is/was different.I can only guess
that now you are in my life (messing up my plans for a ‘cold heart for the rest
of my life’) I did actually manage to find someone more than half decent.Someone chivalrous, who treats me like a lady
at the right times, like his girl the other times. Causing silly eye twinkles
and grins that speak volumes.
Actually, I know half decent doesn’t go any
way towards describing you.If you are
now my guy (which you are, because you’re reading this) you will know my
standards are pretty high.
Sorry.Sorry about that.
Self-preservation I guess.
Snapping at you unnecessarily might be the
order of the day. That’s just me being afraid.Please let me blow that hot air out. Then let me say sorry – and please
accept my apology.Of course I’m
nervous of you.Gee whizz you stole my
icy heart.How did that even happen?
Remember I don’t need promises of forever
or that everything will be perfect.What
I need is you giving me perfect moments that I will lock away to remember when
I sit in that rocking chair and smile to myself.Your arms around me, making me feel that just
for that moment, I am the most important person in your world.Coffee dates and Sunday morning sofa
snuggles.Wine and firelight.Music and laughter.These are the plain and simple things that
make us smile.
We have a wonderful future of making
memories.I’ll take nothing for
granted.I’ll promise not to take you
for granted.My best memory of you so
far?That long text chat we had, you
remember the day?When I was so down and
filtering over the past hurts with sadness.Do you remember what you said?Thank
you for that memory babe. It’s etched into me as (likely) the most powerful sentence
a guy has ever said to me,
University might not have caused my mental health issues, but it brought them to the surface. It was a painful experience but now I know this was totally necessary to move forward. Here’s my story.
”These will help,” said the doctor who prescribed me anti-depressants. Who actually wants to hold out their hand and accept they have to take those? My inner soul sighed. Where had the old me gone?
Those days of ‘black cloud’ moments were becoming increasingly worrying. Trying to describe the feeling was crazy. It’s an empty void rather than total despair, although those moments had been flitting in and out too. Feeling thankful for my inner support network, I knew I wasn’t in overly terrible danger. Yet, this wasn’t something I could take for granted.
If the pills helped and saw me finish my degree, then why not give them a shot?
According to the Higher Education Statistics Agency, the number of students who disclosed a mental health condition almost doubled between 2012 and 2015 to nearly 45,000.
How had I reached this point? So blue. Not in control of my crazy emotions. I was always the strong one. I had dealt with massive life challenges like single parenthood and breezed through it. So how was I struggling so much with the science I was hoping to learn? Why had it tipped me over the edge?
I reached out, but the help I asked for mostly fell into a vortex of nothingness.
Until the university got involved and put me forward for counselling. Oh goodness, did this bring up some crazy stuff! Not realising those thoughts I had always had were not normal, but in fact they were anxiety. Then we ended up knowing I was ‘ruminating’ – which was a word I had to Google. It’s a posh word for over-thinking.
Yes that is me. We ended up bringing up a lot of my childhood stuff and how I had been parented. Which is something I still struggle with but I know I can’t change what happened. Only how I now try to tackle it. They were wrong, my parents. They should have told me they loved me and are proud of me, and encouraged my dreams.
Things could have been worse.
Excited to finish my undergrad, I was super ready to step into a less stressful situation with my MA which was a total lifelong dream of becoming a full-time writer. Yet that very first day, familiar feelings came up. Shocked to the core I had to acknowledge the university had been nothing less than perfect and these feelings were totally mine to own.
So now it was about ‘learning to dance in the rain’, knowing there were going to be good times and bad times.
Riding this wave of life. Rollercoaster riding with white knuckles. When I’m up, I’m up. I need to soak those images creating the good memories into a photographic brain to store away and hopefully use as my rocking chair memories.
Knowing that without those down times, life would be flat and unrecognisable in the up times.
After a few years of down moments, I write with joy in saying today is an up day. I smile needlessly with a thought and a stomach flip and these are thoughts I will cherish.
Ok, I can say this as you guys are 3 years off in the future.
Things are different now.
I am different. Youtube viewers have tapped me on the shoulder on this trip and said HI. Lots of them.
Men have handed me their numbers and want to take me out. Some (one) did more than that and it's changed me. At the time this was something crazy that I wasn't sure about but with hindsight and a few days of getting my head around it i have realised how much my life is changing and opening up.
Now I'm a writer. I have written 10,000 words on this trip. Loved it on the sunbed each morning.
My youtube is going to be getting more focus now.
My body is going to be kept more well. MY human body is going to have more love. I'm going to start dating. After closing my heart off for so long.
Mum and I are kind of where we are. We will never be close. I know this. She has pushed my buttons on this trip.
Today, I write from a sunbed on a beautiful beach in Turkey. Lost for words, I glance up. Watching the sway of the trees with a backdrop of the water, I definitely manage to clear my head for those lost words. Romance novels here you see. I'm writing about 3000 words every day and drawing on all manner of senses experiences while I'm here. Love it. Feeling the love.
How university has had
an impact on my mental health
“These
will help” the doctor prescribed me anti depressants.
Who
ever wants to hold out their hand and accept they have to take those? My inner
soul sighed. Where had the ‘old me’ gone?
Those
days of black cloud moments were becoming increasingly worrying.Trying to describe the feeling was
crazy.It’s an empty void rather than
total despair, although those moments had been flitting in and out too.Feeling thankful for my inner support
network, I knew I wasn’t in overly terrible danger. Yet this wasn’t something I
could take for granted.
If
the pills helped and saw me finish my degree then when not give them a shot?
How
had I reached this point? So blue.Not
in control of crazy emotions.I was
always the strong one.I had dealt with massive life challenges like
single parenthood and breezed through it. So why was I struggling so much with
the science I was hoping to learn? Why had it tipped me over the edge?
I
reached out but the help I asked for mostly fell into a vortex of
nothingness.Until the University got
involved and put me forward for counselling.Oh Goodness.Did this bring up
some crazy stuff? Oh yes.
Not
realizing those thoughts I had always had were not normal but in fact was
anxiety.Really?People don’t see all these worrying things
turn into disaster?Then we ended up
knowing I was ruminating, which was a word I had to Google. A posh word for
over-thinking.
Yes
that is me.We ended up bringing up a
lot of my childhood stuff and how I had been parented.Which is something I still struggle with but
I know I can’t change what happened.Only how I now try and tackle it.They were wrong, my parents. They should have told me they loved me and
are proud of me, and encouraged my dreams.
Things
could have been worse.
University
might not have caused my mental health issues but brought them to the
surface.Which was a painful experience
but now I know this was totally necessary to move forward.
Excited
to finish my undergrad, I was super ready to step into a less stressful
situation with my MA which was a total life long dream of becoming a full time
writer.
Yet
that very first day, familiar feelings came up.Shocked to the core I had to acknowledge the university had been nothing
less than perfect and these feelings were totally mine to own.So now it was about ‘learning to dance in the
rain’, knowing there were going to be good times and bad times.
Riding
this wave of life.Rollercoaster riding
with white knuckles.When I’m up, I’m
up.I need to soak those images creating
the good memories into a photographic brain to store away and hopefully use as
my rocking chair memories.
Knowing
that without those down times, life would be flat and unrecognizable in the up
times.After a few years of down
moments, I write with joy in saying today is an up day.I smile needlessly with a thought and a
stomach flip and these are thoughts I will cherish.
Yes I've a way to go yet. I'm in all sorts of pain and I'm also very exhausted.
Having a day with a thumping heart and feeling very tearful I began to think of quitting this course. Yes, that's it, you heard me right. I was thinking of giving up my dream, but despite the fact that I had promised myself i would not suffer anymore like i did in the last degree, I was feeling so empty and lost and incapable.
I slept for a couple of hours then bravely reached out to a new friend from the class. She was very kind and really helped with some practical tips.
My inbox 'dinged' with a message from one of the tutors. A group message. But something naturally overtook my body and I emailed her asking for help to decide which genre to specialise in. She replied to me with gusto. There were several upbeat sentences with exclamation marks at the end of them and her tone was more than refreshing. She sounded incredible. Instantly I was uplifted. In the past, if you even got a reply from an academic you were lucky. Let alone a positive one!
Beginning to change my thinking slightly, I realised I might be able to do this.
Lighting some candles, i began to look at the course work. True, I don't know much. But I could give this a go.
In a week, if I'm still feeling negative, I shall contact the uni and let them know where my mind is at right now and see if I can get some support and understanding. If not, then I will have no choice but to stop early.
That said, I am worried about my physical health. My blood sugars are high. My pain through my body is bad. My fatigue is awful and mental health is haywire. Yet today, :i have researched what I can do to help some of these and I'm really motivated to try. I must x
Unable to believe I haven't updated this blog, it has been 3 days since I met the new class. Starting on a positive note, everyone seems just lovely. We totally are a mixed bunch of people from the usual colourful clothing you would expect to see in the art department, to a couple of muscle bound young guys who would be expected to be seen over on my last course or something similar to the strength and fitness MSc that some of my last science cohort have signed up to. Then of course there are the typical writer types. Slightly shy, maybe having some internal struggles, yet rather unlike me I suspect. Not being too tough on myself but no-one can possibly be as crazy as me with their thinking . I'm just Mrs Over thinker. And I 'do my own head in'.
Perhaps because I have been feeling very much in pain of late, perhaps I simply am unsure if I am good enough for all of this. I thought I was over all this. I thought the anxiety had gone away. On the way to class I was so ready to start the class. Then a few things happened, I had to walk quite a long way across the beautiful walled city; I'm not so good at walking. I'm not sure what the triggers were really as everyone was so lovely and this is always my first request. Just like when I joined choir. Everyone was so sweet and lovely and I was determined to give that a good crack of the whip. That was all swimming along beautifully until yesterday. In fact, it had seemed to be the answer I was looking for. It was seeming to distort my mental health head and sorting my issues out through music. Yesterday, it seems I was singing soprano rather than alto. I do that a lot. Perhaps I should be a sop, i don't know. But the lady next to me began singing her notes very loudly to help me get back on track. She was singing into my 70% deaf ear. The lady the other side was new and had been introduced to me as a Trinity music school student who was learning Harp. Wow. She was also singing the same notes as me and I was sure she would know the correct pitch. Anyhow, the neighbour announced she was moving to the back of the room. Was I so bad?
This had me gutted and upset to say the very least. This was a pretty massive step considering the severity of the crime.
Aiming to bite the tears back, I used the techniques I know which have been somewhat effective in the past. Breathing, distraction, looking up into the corner of the room...nope. None were working. The black cloud came rolling in overhead and it was roaring on this day. My eyes began to sting. I blinked over and over and yup, I could feel they were filling up. I left the room with all my things in my arms. Something inside me was screaming, "Leave! Leave!" which seemed ridiculous to the actual girl who I actually am. Of course I wouldn't leave. This was choir and I loved it. Yes I got it wrong but I also remember my first concert which was heavily loaded with Mozart who I have come to love with a passion. The concert goes down in history as a rocking chair moment for more reasons than I can list here. Of course I wasn't going to leave.
Yet my mind was becoming dangerous. I could sense it. SO i reached out and text my friend which only brought my emotions to the forefront. I cried. i left. Driving home I was a mess of emotions. Crying like crazy and feeling very dark.
Why oh why? Suddenly out of nowhere? Or was it? Saturday I had walked more than i likely should walk, and at speed too. I was exhausted and frustrated. The work didn't seem to make sense to me and the genius lecturers mentioned,
"Of course you won't write in cliche, none of you would do that and fail...hahahaha."
What? What did that mean? Writing in cliche? Have I bitten off more than I can chew? Is this something which just simply fuells my anxieties? Honesty I cannot believe the person I have become. I seem unable to deal with anything. Any level of nastiness, anything negative on the TV, just any level of work. So what do I do with my life from here?
Right now, the only thing I can think is to make a way forward to do little or nothing but putting my health as number one day by day.
Today I work at university as a student ambassador. Watching the new students making friends, getting lost, looking at maps and wondering what they might have set themselves up for.
Hoping to be helpful, I smile. And help them.
During lunch I read about writing. My course starts in a couple of days and I am/was so excited. This feels so right. I'm excited. I said that already. Yet I am also seeing how I have so much to learn.
Imposter syndrome is lurking a little - yet I want to do this so the only way is to DO THIS. I'm nervous. Worried I don't know enough. I need to learn! And FAST.
Something crazy is going on with me. I am considering the PHD. Yup. I said it out loud.
Potentially, I think I may have found a supervisor. She seems awesome and signs off posts with things like, "With love" etc. She shares her teachings on Patreon so I have signed up to be a supporter of her and hope that I can go ahead and learn from her and possibly have her as a supervisor on my phd...
Much as I love and adore my science academics, I just literally sweated profusely. All these potential new students, and I asked if I could just address them about the student ambassador scheme. JIKES. Being the first person to speak to them in class was a massive responsibility. The academics said yes but let everyone arrive first.
So here I was in a room full of 200 new students, plus 15 academics in science and I was saying, "Good morning and welcome, come be an ambassador and earn some money..." among other things.
Yes, I love public speaking but this was so off the cuff. It showed. My confidence is beginning to wobble ever so slightly.
Yes, ok so the title of this post gives you a good idea where I'm going here.
Have you followed this journey from the start?
When I began my university career as a scientist?
If you answered yes then you might understand why people are checking on me. It's so sweet of them I know. But they are actually really questioning my words. Yet all I feel right now is content. And peaceful.
Finally stepping into who I am and what I'm doing is exactly what has helped me with my mental health and likely my physical health although that is a work in progress but we are getting there!
The problem i have is people are messaging me telling me
"You're really quiet, what's up?"
"I know something is wrong and you have to let what I said go. I didn't mean it."
And the list goes on with several friends. I'm not upset as its just through care and love. But when I say I'm honestly ok, I mean I'm honestly ok.
I'm the writer I was always meant to be.
This makes such a difference in my life and how I'm feeling. I'm happy. I'm content. I'm not even sure I have words for how I'm feeling but it's a definite positive 'thing'.
Last night I watched something from Mindvalley. It was a hypnotherapy. Incredible. Taking you back to the exact time when you felt like you were not enough. Not good enough. All these kinds of thinking will lead you to illness, underperforming, self loathing, weight gain and all that type of thing...shockingly, my 'block' came from the time I was smacked by the headmaster in Junior school. For NO REASON!
Everyone Always ran to the line up queue and I was just one of them. For whatever reason, he smacked me really hard on my thigh. It caused a hand print. I thought he was a good headmaster but this really hurt. I remember trying hard not to cry and quietly telling my friend what had happened. Jeez I even can picture the skirt I was wearing (I wore it a lot) and remembering how I lifted it up to show her the redness. It was a kid of rough tweed, sort of pleated. Not comfortable really but this was the early 1980s and we wore weird stuff.
To say I'm shocked at the detail that came through in this meditation is an understatement. Has this been something that was holding me back all these years? He made me the victim. Of all the people he could have chosen, he chose me. He made me the victim. Then follows a long story of being bullied in senior school, not getting love and affection from my parents, much less ever expecting hugs and kisses, and feeling cared for when there was joint pain. Which of course I now know to be part of my autoimmune illness. So would this feeling manifest into illness and depression? Possibly. Yet now, I have an overwhelming sense of leaving it all behind.
I'm not the victim. I am ENOUGH.
I have qualities and skills to offer and the most strange feeling of stepping into my reality and worrying less what people might say if I go ahead and create the life I want.
Which is me. Being a writer.
I am so in love with my life right now and I am so happy. Truly.
