Mental health issues ignited as I begin my First day as an MA student.

Unable to believe I haven't updated this blog, 
it has been 3 days since I met the new class. 
Starting on a positive note, everyone seems just lovely. 
We totally are a mixed bunch of people from the 
usual colourful clothing you would expect to see 
in the art department, to a couple of muscle 
bound young guys who would be expected to be 
seen over on my last course or something similar to 
the strength and fitness MSc that some of my last 
science cohort have signed up to. Then of course 
there are the typical writer types. Slightly shy, maybe 
having some internal struggles, yet rather unlike me
 I suspect. Not being too tough on myself but no-one 
can possibly be as crazy as me with their thinking .
 I'm just Mrs Over thinker. And I 'do my own head in'. 

Perhaps because I have been feeling very much in pain of 
late, perhaps I simply am unsure if I am good enough for 
all of this. I thought I was over all this. I thought the anxiety
 had gone away. On the way to class I was so ready to 
start the class. Then a few things happened, I had to walk
 quite a long way across the beautiful walled city; I'm not 
so good at walking. I'm not sure what the triggers were 
really as everyone was so lovely and this is always my 
first request. Just like when I joined choir. Everyone was 
so sweet and lovely and I was determined to give that
 a good crack of the whip. That was all swimming along 
beautifully until yesterday. In fact, it had seemed to be 
the answer I was looking for. It was seeming to distort 
my mental health head and sorting my issues out through 
music. Yesterday, it seems I was singing soprano rather 
than alto. I do that a lot. Perhaps I should be a sop, 
i don't know. But the lady next to me began singing her 
notes very loudly to help me get back on track. 

She was singing into my 70% deaf ear. The lady the
 other side was new and had been introduced to me
 as a Trinity music school student who was learning 
Harp. Wow. She was also singing the same notes 
as me and I was sure she would know the correct pitch. 
Anyhow, the neighbour announced she was moving 
to the back of the room. Was I so bad?

This had me gutted and upset to say the very least. 
 This was a pretty massive step considering the 
severity of the crime.

Aiming to bite the tears back, I used the techniques 
I know which have been somewhat effective in the past. 
Breathing, distraction, looking up into the corner of the 
room...nope. None were working. The black cloud came
 rolling in overhead and it was roaring on this day. 
My eyes began to sting. I blinked over and over and yup, 
I could feel they were filling up. I left the room with all 
my things in my arms. Something inside me was 
screaming, "Leave! Leave!" which seemed ridiculous to
 the actual girl who I actually am. Of course I wouldn't 
leave. This was choir and I loved it. Yes I got it wrong 
but I also remember my first concert which was heavily 
loaded with Mozart who I have come to love with a 
passion. The concert goes down in history as a rocking 
chair moment for more reasons than I can list here. 

Of course I wasn't going to leave.

Yet my mind was becoming dangerous. I could sense it. 
SO i reached out and text my friend which only brought 
my emotions to the forefront. I cried. i left. Driving home 
I was a mess of emotions. Crying like crazy and feeling 
very dark.

Why oh why? Suddenly out of nowhere? Or was it? Saturday 
I had walked more than i likely should walk, and at speed 
too. I was exhausted and frustrated. The work didn't seem 
to make sense to me and the genius lecturers mentioned, 

"Of course you won't write in cliche, none of you would 
do that and fail...hahahaha." 

What? What did that mean? Writing in cliche? Have I 
bitten off more than I can chew? Is this something which
 just simply fuells my anxieties? Honesty I cannot believe 
the person I have become. I seem unable to deal with 
anything. Any level of nastiness, anything negative on 
the TV, just any level of work. So what do I do with my 
life from here?

Right now, the only thing I can think is to make a way 
forward to do little or nothing but putting my health as 
number one day by day.