Blown away by the response my writing is getting! And Letter to my future spouse

Goodness me. What is going on?  Like, people are stopping me to tell me how awesome I am.

My writing is gathering momentum and I am publishing in the award winning uni mag now.  I'm loving it quite frankly.  Never did I imagine the dream might come into fruition.

Over the next few blog posts I will share what has been going on.

But for now, my new submission which has just been accepted is this one:

Letter to my future spouse.

What do you think you are doing?

Coming into my life and disrupting my plans.

I mean, so much hurt from my past. Of course the barriers are up.  Who could blame me?  By now you will know the stories, back to back.  You might be shocked to know I left some details out which I thought might be too painful for you to hear.  I even thought you might not believe me.

Even before you came along, I refused to be a man hater.  Knowing that all the human race is/was different.  I can only guess that now you are in my life (messing up my plans for a ‘cold heart for the rest of my life’) I did actually manage to find someone more than half decent.  Someone chivalrous, who treats me like a lady at the right times, like his girl the other times. Causing silly eye twinkles and grins that speak volumes. 

Actually, I know half decent doesn’t go any way towards describing you.  If you are now my guy (which you are, because you’re reading this) you will know my standards are pretty high. 

Sorry.  Sorry about that. 

Self-preservation I guess. 

Snapping at you unnecessarily might be the order of the day. That’s just me being afraid.  Please let me blow that hot air out. Then let me say sorry – and please accept my apology.   Of course I’m nervous of you.  Gee whizz you stole my icy heart.  How did that even happen?

Remember I don’t need promises of forever or that everything will be perfect.  What I need is you giving me perfect moments that I will lock away to remember when I sit in that rocking chair and smile to myself.  Your arms around me, making me feel that just for that moment, I am the most important person in your world.  Coffee dates and Sunday morning sofa snuggles.  Wine and firelight.  Music and laughter.  These are the plain and simple things that make us smile.

We have a wonderful future of making memories.  I’ll take nothing for granted.  I’ll promise not to take you for granted.  My best memory of you so far?  That long text chat we had, you remember the day?  When I was so down and filtering over the past hurts with sadness.  Do you remember what you said?  Thank you for that memory babe. It’s etched into me as (likely) the most powerful sentence a guy has ever said to me,

“You have to let me be ‘not that guy’”.

Mental health issues ignited as I begin my First day as an MA student.

Unable to believe I haven't updated this blog, 
it has been 3 days since I met the new class. 
Starting on a positive note, everyone seems just lovely. 
We totally are a mixed bunch of people from the 
usual colourful clothing you would expect to see 
in the art department, to a couple of muscle 
bound young guys who would be expected to be 
seen over on my last course or something similar to 
the strength and fitness MSc that some of my last 
science cohort have signed up to. Then of course 
there are the typical writer types. Slightly shy, maybe 
having some internal struggles, yet rather unlike me
 I suspect. Not being too tough on myself but no-one 
can possibly be as crazy as me with their thinking .
 I'm just Mrs Over thinker. And I 'do my own head in'. 

Perhaps because I have been feeling very much in pain of 
late, perhaps I simply am unsure if I am good enough for 
all of this. I thought I was over all this. I thought the anxiety
 had gone away. On the way to class I was so ready to 
start the class. Then a few things happened, I had to walk
 quite a long way across the beautiful walled city; I'm not 
so good at walking. I'm not sure what the triggers were 
really as everyone was so lovely and this is always my 
first request. Just like when I joined choir. Everyone was 
so sweet and lovely and I was determined to give that
 a good crack of the whip. That was all swimming along 
beautifully until yesterday. In fact, it had seemed to be 
the answer I was looking for. It was seeming to distort 
my mental health head and sorting my issues out through 
music. Yesterday, it seems I was singing soprano rather 
than alto. I do that a lot. Perhaps I should be a sop, 
i don't know. But the lady next to me began singing her 
notes very loudly to help me get back on track. 

She was singing into my 70% deaf ear. The lady the
 other side was new and had been introduced to me
 as a Trinity music school student who was learning 
Harp. Wow. She was also singing the same notes 
as me and I was sure she would know the correct pitch. 
Anyhow, the neighbour announced she was moving 
to the back of the room. Was I so bad?

This had me gutted and upset to say the very least. 
 This was a pretty massive step considering the 
severity of the crime.

Aiming to bite the tears back, I used the techniques 
I know which have been somewhat effective in the past. 
Breathing, distraction, looking up into the corner of the 
room...nope. None were working. The black cloud came
 rolling in overhead and it was roaring on this day. 
My eyes began to sting. I blinked over and over and yup, 
I could feel they were filling up. I left the room with all 
my things in my arms. Something inside me was 
screaming, "Leave! Leave!" which seemed ridiculous to
 the actual girl who I actually am. Of course I wouldn't 
leave. This was choir and I loved it. Yes I got it wrong 
but I also remember my first concert which was heavily 
loaded with Mozart who I have come to love with a 
passion. The concert goes down in history as a rocking 
chair moment for more reasons than I can list here. 

Of course I wasn't going to leave.

Yet my mind was becoming dangerous. I could sense it. 
SO i reached out and text my friend which only brought 
my emotions to the forefront. I cried. i left. Driving home 
I was a mess of emotions. Crying like crazy and feeling 
very dark.

Why oh why? Suddenly out of nowhere? Or was it? Saturday 
I had walked more than i likely should walk, and at speed 
too. I was exhausted and frustrated. The work didn't seem 
to make sense to me and the genius lecturers mentioned, 

"Of course you won't write in cliche, none of you would 
do that and fail...hahahaha." 

What? What did that mean? Writing in cliche? Have I 
bitten off more than I can chew? Is this something which
 just simply fuells my anxieties? Honesty I cannot believe 
the person I have become. I seem unable to deal with 
anything. Any level of nastiness, anything negative on 
the TV, just any level of work. So what do I do with my 
life from here?

Right now, the only thing I can think is to make a way 
forward to do little or nothing but putting my health as 
number one day by day.

5am thoughts about my university work in year 3

Today, I am having a struggle.

Today, I feel better physically than I did this past week.  Pain, kidney infections, lumber pain, hip pain, more pain, leukocytes in my urine, blood, protein, ketones, so the dr sent me for an X-ray thinking kidney stones.  Shock waved its way over me as I was informed there is an intestinal blockage.  For someone with crohns, this is terrible news.  I began to write a will.

Realising that life sometimes teters on the edge of scary and fragile, I wrote a blog post over on my main website.  How life has taken over from me and has a life of its own now.  For the past 3 years at university I have felt the face of adversity telling me to come away from it all.  Really strongly and oh my gosh even writing it here, knowing you won't read it for 3 years, is just a massive sigh coming out of my body and onto the digital paper.  Oh gosh, I sigh literally.  Journalling is more than a therapy.  But in words I cannot explain.

Calmly, I feel like quitting. Yet for the past ONE MONTH is the first time in university I haven't wanted to quit.  IT was more than a nice feeling.  I have loved the workload, the actual work, the understanding of what is going on in the classroom.  Answering all the questions when others seemed not to be able to.

Epiphany hit me as i realised i was finally doing what I had wanted to do all these years.  I was becoming a nutritionist.

Just as I was about to fist bump the air, is when the health issue struck.
Knocked me off my feet. In and out of hospital.
Couldn't even manage to text without messing it up so it wasn't  a chance to get caught up on uni work.

This morning I feel a little better.  Quite a lot better in fact.  So i get up early to start some work.  5AM early.

Flipping the screen up on my laptop as i sit here drinking my coffee, listening to the dog snore and sending occasional chats to a uni friend who is visiting India, I feel a need to write.  Not nutrition stuff.  Not uni stuff.  This stuff.  Stories.  I want to write stories.  I could do that all day, and would do that all day, and should do that all day. I know this in my bones.

Lack of exercise and eating right has not helped my health. I want it back. I want me back.
Uni has knocked the stuffing out of me and I really wanted to end my stories on here with a positive twist of knowing I had a Phd and how it was all worth it in the end.  A PHD in science.  Wow makes me sound uber smart.
Without meaning to sound judgemental, many of the academics might have a flash title and all but not enough time or money to really live life in a way i really want to live life.  I want to travel and see things.  I can't due to all of this uni work.  Nothing else is holding me back.  Truly it isn't.
Part of me really loves uni but i think if i strip it back, i could gladly take my laptop into the coffee shop at uni, park the car and sit with my coffee and write for some time.  It's what I love.  It feels easy.  And it's what I want.   Taking photos, creating videos.

Let's be honest here.

Before I started university I was in debt.  I also was nursing a broken heart and feeling as though I finally had to deal with the fact I wouldn't have any more children. So I wanted something massive to deal with to take the pain away. And to pay to keep me afloat.   So here we are.  University final year. plus with a massive unconditional offer for a masters degree.  All online.  Food safety and quality management.  Do I want it? I'm not sure yet.
So the debt is pretty much gone.  The idea was this would buy me writing time to get things off the ground and making more money but I hadn't factored in aging parents, taking care of all that comes along with that.  Lacking in time to write, that then puts out my fire for life.  Yet it doesn't really as its still there burning away in the embers.

I need to research Arginine now and upload it on some portal kind of website thing but to be honest,  I feel like I'm frustrated and can't be bothered with it. Oh, another hot flush.  Is this menopause?  Dr says no.

Year 3 summary.  I love it. And I don't.  I have clarity on my future. That's quite priceless.

Why you might be so miserable...

I am so miserable.  Really, really feel unhappy.

I can tell you what it is and likely you have the exact same reason.

You are not feeding your soul.


You know that feeling when you can smile inside?  For me it is stroking my dog or walking among trees.  Well everything feels different for me at that time. I'm sure there is some science in it.  The videos I watch say how you can change your cells with your thoughts...let me see if I can find one and insert it here.

Also, when I was walking within the countryside I could see myself fill up, just look at this video, you will see no glimmer of being miserable.

I do love Louise Hay, she talks about thoughts and how they can dominate our health.  I do agree with this stuff! 

I'm off to the JACUZZI.  This will fill me up for a couple of hours.  What about yourself? 

Waking up too early on Mothers Day

Mothers Day is here once again.

With my mother still here to grace us with her presence, yet my mother in law about to have her final curtains drawn on life, I can't help but wonder what is it all about.  Then I remember, I know now.

Wisdom.

Age.

Time.  

They have all taught me exactly what I should be doing with this thing called life.  I should be chasing memories and creating JOY.  And I know what that means for me and where it takes me.

To the woods, the trees, the nature. 

As a family, we are beginning to rethink things.  We want to be in the woods and grow organic vegetables, breathe good air and the like. 

What wakes me so early? Is it excitement? Stress?  Thinking?  Physical health?  I'm really not sure.  

Exams and deadlines loom all around, I feel flutters within my heart.  They frighten me.  Apparently, that coupled with the memory loss I keep experiencing and the lack of sleep all come up with anxiety, depression and stress (when you use Google).  

My old friend from London Met used to say "I like the Google very much." In her strong adorable indian accent.  I miss her.

So mothers day brings me to a place of once again being at my desk,  writing (I can't get enough of it)   and wanting to do more and more and more all of the time. There's so much there's too much.

Project proposal looms.  I'm going to love that yet I'm unclear where to start.  Watch this space, I will give you more detail and information as I can.

Meanwhile, back to looking for sellotape to wrap mums gift. That eludes me.