5am thoughts about my university work in year 3

Today, I am having a struggle.

Today, I feel better physically than I did this past week.  Pain, kidney infections, lumber pain, hip pain, more pain, leukocytes in my urine, blood, protein, ketones, so the dr sent me for an X-ray thinking kidney stones.  Shock waved its way over me as I was informed there is an intestinal blockage.  For someone with crohns, this is terrible news.  I began to write a will.

Realising that life sometimes teters on the edge of scary and fragile, I wrote a blog post over on my main website.  How life has taken over from me and has a life of its own now.  For the past 3 years at university I have felt the face of adversity telling me to come away from it all.  Really strongly and oh my gosh even writing it here, knowing you won't read it for 3 years, is just a massive sigh coming out of my body and onto the digital paper.  Oh gosh, I sigh literally.  Journalling is more than a therapy.  But in words I cannot explain.

Calmly, I feel like quitting. Yet for the past ONE MONTH is the first time in university I haven't wanted to quit.  IT was more than a nice feeling.  I have loved the workload, the actual work, the understanding of what is going on in the classroom.  Answering all the questions when others seemed not to be able to.

Epiphany hit me as i realised i was finally doing what I had wanted to do all these years.  I was becoming a nutritionist.

Just as I was about to fist bump the air, is when the health issue struck.
Knocked me off my feet. In and out of hospital.
Couldn't even manage to text without messing it up so it wasn't  a chance to get caught up on uni work.

This morning I feel a little better.  Quite a lot better in fact.  So i get up early to start some work.  5AM early.

Flipping the screen up on my laptop as i sit here drinking my coffee, listening to the dog snore and sending occasional chats to a uni friend who is visiting India, I feel a need to write.  Not nutrition stuff.  Not uni stuff.  This stuff.  Stories.  I want to write stories.  I could do that all day, and would do that all day, and should do that all day. I know this in my bones.

Lack of exercise and eating right has not helped my health. I want it back. I want me back.
Uni has knocked the stuffing out of me and I really wanted to end my stories on here with a positive twist of knowing I had a Phd and how it was all worth it in the end.  A PHD in science.  Wow makes me sound uber smart.
Without meaning to sound judgemental, many of the academics might have a flash title and all but not enough time or money to really live life in a way i really want to live life.  I want to travel and see things.  I can't due to all of this uni work.  Nothing else is holding me back.  Truly it isn't.
Part of me really loves uni but i think if i strip it back, i could gladly take my laptop into the coffee shop at uni, park the car and sit with my coffee and write for some time.  It's what I love.  It feels easy.  And it's what I want.   Taking photos, creating videos.

Let's be honest here.

Before I started university I was in debt.  I also was nursing a broken heart and feeling as though I finally had to deal with the fact I wouldn't have any more children. So I wanted something massive to deal with to take the pain away. And to pay to keep me afloat.   So here we are.  University final year. plus with a massive unconditional offer for a masters degree.  All online.  Food safety and quality management.  Do I want it? I'm not sure yet.
So the debt is pretty much gone.  The idea was this would buy me writing time to get things off the ground and making more money but I hadn't factored in aging parents, taking care of all that comes along with that.  Lacking in time to write, that then puts out my fire for life.  Yet it doesn't really as its still there burning away in the embers.

I need to research Arginine now and upload it on some portal kind of website thing but to be honest,  I feel like I'm frustrated and can't be bothered with it. Oh, another hot flush.  Is this menopause?  Dr says no.

Year 3 summary.  I love it. And I don't.  I have clarity on my future. That's quite priceless.

Last day of year 2

Who would have known when this journey began that I would have wished I was as slim as when I started?

I thought I was fat. 

Everyday I pulled on my jeans, put on my make up and straightened my hair to within an inch of its healthy life and I felt I wasn't enough.  I was wrong.

I was happy, carefree and I was good enough.
Looking back on selfies from 3 years ago, I looked healthier and fresher.  This is nothing to do with 3 years of history showing on my face.  Sonia, my PhD friend warned me that this process ages you.  She isn't wrong.

Part of me wouldn't mind.  If it were all worth it.  Yet is it?
What am I reaching for? To be called Dr? For someone to say, "Isn't she really smart?" To prove something to myself?  Well I was called Dr Usher yesterday! Got to laugh, I filled in a form online and decided it would be fun to select "Dr" instead of Mrs. They called me while Scott and I were in Marks and Spencer talking about #examgate (tell you in a minute!), "Is that Dr Usher?" I screwed my face up in fun and mouthed to Scott "Dr Usher" while pointing to the phone.

Beginning way back 4 years ago I had this crazy idea to get a degree. I had been searching for something. I wasn't too sure what.   After a heartbreak and the idea of giving up my dream for more children, I felt I needed something.  My children were 13 at the time and Dad was happy to step up and do a few school runs while Mum was going to start cleaning one day a week for me.  The old, sad heartbroken me was no more.
Fast forward to a couple of twins who need driving lessons and encouragement, a Dad who has passed away and a Mum with heart disease and dementia.  On top of all this, my healed heart is happy spending time with my Scott who has survived myocarditis.  It's all too surreal.  My daughter has had a particularly bad bout of glandular fever (mono) and as for me, more and more diagnosis are coming my way.  Ankylosing spondylitis as well as facet joint arthritis is giving me grief.  Then began the menstrual issues.  Thinking it was age, I got an innocent scan.
"You've got adenomyosis and must be in pain."  As well as that, I have got endometriosis back which haunted me for many pre-child years.  A lovely little chocolate cyst reminds me its there.  Of course the crohns is always my enemy and trying to get on top of allergies when my right eye constantly runs is all a nightmare.
I'm not sleeping past 5am as I am in the living room while Mum is upstairs in my comfy bed.
Who would have thought it?

Daring not to mention my dog Harley and his ulcer in his eye.
A middle of the night vet trip set me back a few quids! Bless him with his shivering temperature and closed eye. He was in so much pain.  Improving now but all thanks to the love I have extended to them all.  I'm shattered.

University has not been supportive hardly at all.  To be honest, one lady has.  She is my boss there.  She understands health struggles and she takes care of us.
My peers have patted me on the back and praised me for not quitting.
3 times I have been encouraged to 'interrupt my studies' but no. I think this far I may have done enough to pass.  Yet todays exam (nutrition) eludes me.

I have nothing more to give.  Honestly.  I have done with revision and I am hoping to go in and do enough to pass.

At this crazy 5.45am blog writing session I am thankful.
For you guys being there to let me get everything out of my head and onto paper. Therapy indeed.
Thankful for the opportunity to develop myself into someone I hadn't realised I was.  Apart from smart and good at maths, I know I have the love and strength in me that I was never praised for as a child.  Always feeling not good enough. I now believe I am good enough.  These struggles showed me that despite the turbulence, I can cope, I can do it well and I can be so loving at these times.

What I can't be is forgiving of university.  One rule for them, one rule for us.  They can use bad english and misspell words, heck they can even be rude in replying to an email.  Yet for us, no.  Don't even go there! Dare not to sign off with your name.  Crime committed.
They have almost ruined my life to the point it is genius.  Never before have I been clearer of where I am going and what I want.  Never before have I realised that even though people think they are better than us, they definitely aren't.
Highlighting that despite paying £9k a year in fees (making us a fantastic client for them) we could not expect good customer service. Woe betide us if we flashed that one at them.

What's it all about?  The journey.

Do I believe qualifications are the be all and end all?  No.  But I'm excited for the future experiences they have led me to.  Going to a place of knowing what I want is exciting!