I thought I was fat.
Everyday I pulled on my jeans, put on my make up and straightened my hair to within an inch of its healthy life and I felt I wasn't enough. I was wrong.
I was happy, carefree and I was good enough.
Looking back on selfies from 3 years ago, I looked healthier and fresher. This is nothing to do with 3 years of history showing on my face. Sonia, my PhD friend warned me that this process ages you. She isn't wrong.
Part of me wouldn't mind. If it were all worth it. Yet is it?
What am I reaching for? To be called Dr? For someone to say, "Isn't she really smart?" To prove something to myself? Well I was called Dr Usher yesterday! Got to laugh, I filled in a form online and decided it would be fun to select "Dr" instead of Mrs. They called me while Scott and I were in Marks and Spencer talking about #examgate (tell you in a minute!), "Is that Dr Usher?" I screwed my face up in fun and mouthed to Scott "Dr Usher" while pointing to the phone.
Beginning way back 4 years ago I had this crazy idea to get a degree. I had been searching for something. I wasn't too sure what. After a heartbreak and the idea of giving up my dream for more children, I felt I needed something. My children were 13 at the time and Dad was happy to step up and do a few school runs while Mum was going to start cleaning one day a week for me. The old, sad heartbroken me was no more.
Fast forward to a couple of twins who need driving lessons and encouragement, a Dad who has passed away and a Mum with heart disease and dementia. On top of all this, my healed heart is happy spending time with my Scott who has survived myocarditis. It's all too surreal. My daughter has had a particularly bad bout of glandular fever (mono) and as for me, more and more diagnosis are coming my way. Ankylosing spondylitis as well as facet joint arthritis is giving me grief. Then began the menstrual issues. Thinking it was age, I got an innocent scan.
"You've got adenomyosis and must be in pain." As well as that, I have got endometriosis back which haunted me for many pre-child years. A lovely little chocolate cyst reminds me its there. Of course the crohns is always my enemy and trying to get on top of allergies when my right eye constantly runs is all a nightmare.
I'm not sleeping past 5am as I am in the living room while Mum is upstairs in my comfy bed.
Who would have thought it?
Daring not to mention my dog Harley and his ulcer in his eye.
A middle of the night vet trip set me back a few quids! Bless him with his shivering temperature and closed eye. He was in so much pain. Improving now but all thanks to the love I have extended to them all. I'm shattered.
University has not been supportive hardly at all. To be honest, one lady has. She is my boss there. She understands health struggles and she takes care of us.
My peers have patted me on the back and praised me for not quitting.
3 times I have been encouraged to 'interrupt my studies' but no. I think this far I may have done enough to pass. Yet todays exam (nutrition) eludes me.
I have nothing more to give. Honestly. I have done with revision and I am hoping to go in and do enough to pass.
At this crazy 5.45am blog writing session I am thankful.
For you guys being there to let me get everything out of my head and onto paper. Therapy indeed.
Thankful for the opportunity to develop myself into someone I hadn't realised I was. Apart from smart and good at maths, I know I have the love and strength in me that I was never praised for as a child. Always feeling not good enough. I now believe I am good enough. These struggles showed me that despite the turbulence, I can cope, I can do it well and I can be so loving at these times.
What I can't be is forgiving of university. One rule for them, one rule for us. They can use bad english and misspell words, heck they can even be rude in replying to an email. Yet for us, no. Don't even go there! Dare not to sign off with your name. Crime committed.
They have almost ruined my life to the point it is genius. Never before have I been clearer of where I am going and what I want. Never before have I realised that even though people think they are better than us, they definitely aren't.
Highlighting that despite paying £9k a year in fees (making us a fantastic client for them) we could not expect good customer service. Woe betide us if we flashed that one at them.
What's it all about? The journey.
Do I believe qualifications are the be all and end all? No. But I'm excited for the future experiences they have led me to. Going to a place of knowing what I want is exciting!
No comments:
Post a Comment