We have all had enough.

It's no exaggeration to say I feel university is stealing away my life.

What is the point in spending all this time working hard on something for nothing?

We get rubbish marks back, heck I even found out there are several people didn't pass last year and have to retake. Why are they making this all so hard for us to do well?

Science we have been brainwashed with isn't something that resonates with my soul. Like the set point theory.  If you gain weight, you programme your body then to always gain back that weight. You can never be slim long term again.  Hmm. This I do not believe. IF someone has that belief then sure, they will remain overweight forever. Yet you need to change, to do things differently.  I DO believe in diets and doing something dramatic to lose weight. Then maintain it by watching closely.
There are so many contradictories. They show us photos of one crisp, detailing how many calories this is extra we can eat each day and how much weight that adds up to over one year.  Then we are kind of told to just give up trying because of the set point.

Remember back in the 1970s/80s we were told to stop eating fat.  EAT LOW FAT. Everything was all about low fat.  Now of course we know all those low fat foods tasted so bad we were eating the fat replacement 'sugar' and hence have an epidemic of obesity and diabetes type 2.  Now we are encouraged to eat a mediterranean diet which is higher in 'good' fats as we call them. So the science was wrong. Proves it happens.

Yet woe betide me if I argue with the science. Or talk about faddy diets or the latest craze (some of them can be crazy, we all know that) - I could get struck off from the register.

So what am I thinking?

I was signing up to help people.  To encourage people to take control of their health. I sense none of this course is directing us there.  What is going on?  We have been told nothing about registration, we have touched not ONE piece of food.  No cooking talk, not really much food or ingredients talk, it's deeper than that. I chose the wrong course.  This course is for people wanting to be academics or working in a lab testing foods and products.  Or researchers.

Ok so I am happy to think about doing the research within the health issues I have known about and finding which diets are best suited to those.  For instance, Inflammatory bowel disease...I know I have helped myself here.  A different diet has definitely helped.

Those who I speak to in depth on this course all feel the same. None of us want to continue.  Yet there is SO much work to do.
I am at a place of wanting to get my health back on track, start getting things into place that I know will benefit my future career.  Feeling like I want to argue the system just makes me seem negative and obstructive.  It's not that, I promise you. I just am way too heart led to be that person. Loving people into success is my thing.  How the heck can I fit that into this degree?

Last day of year 2

Who would have known when this journey began that I would have wished I was as slim as when I started?

I thought I was fat. 

Everyday I pulled on my jeans, put on my make up and straightened my hair to within an inch of its healthy life and I felt I wasn't enough.  I was wrong.

I was happy, carefree and I was good enough.
Looking back on selfies from 3 years ago, I looked healthier and fresher.  This is nothing to do with 3 years of history showing on my face.  Sonia, my PhD friend warned me that this process ages you.  She isn't wrong.

Part of me wouldn't mind.  If it were all worth it.  Yet is it?
What am I reaching for? To be called Dr? For someone to say, "Isn't she really smart?" To prove something to myself?  Well I was called Dr Usher yesterday! Got to laugh, I filled in a form online and decided it would be fun to select "Dr" instead of Mrs. They called me while Scott and I were in Marks and Spencer talking about #examgate (tell you in a minute!), "Is that Dr Usher?" I screwed my face up in fun and mouthed to Scott "Dr Usher" while pointing to the phone.

Beginning way back 4 years ago I had this crazy idea to get a degree. I had been searching for something. I wasn't too sure what.   After a heartbreak and the idea of giving up my dream for more children, I felt I needed something.  My children were 13 at the time and Dad was happy to step up and do a few school runs while Mum was going to start cleaning one day a week for me.  The old, sad heartbroken me was no more.
Fast forward to a couple of twins who need driving lessons and encouragement, a Dad who has passed away and a Mum with heart disease and dementia.  On top of all this, my healed heart is happy spending time with my Scott who has survived myocarditis.  It's all too surreal.  My daughter has had a particularly bad bout of glandular fever (mono) and as for me, more and more diagnosis are coming my way.  Ankylosing spondylitis as well as facet joint arthritis is giving me grief.  Then began the menstrual issues.  Thinking it was age, I got an innocent scan.
"You've got adenomyosis and must be in pain."  As well as that, I have got endometriosis back which haunted me for many pre-child years.  A lovely little chocolate cyst reminds me its there.  Of course the crohns is always my enemy and trying to get on top of allergies when my right eye constantly runs is all a nightmare.
I'm not sleeping past 5am as I am in the living room while Mum is upstairs in my comfy bed.
Who would have thought it?

Daring not to mention my dog Harley and his ulcer in his eye.
A middle of the night vet trip set me back a few quids! Bless him with his shivering temperature and closed eye. He was in so much pain.  Improving now but all thanks to the love I have extended to them all.  I'm shattered.

University has not been supportive hardly at all.  To be honest, one lady has.  She is my boss there.  She understands health struggles and she takes care of us.
My peers have patted me on the back and praised me for not quitting.
3 times I have been encouraged to 'interrupt my studies' but no. I think this far I may have done enough to pass.  Yet todays exam (nutrition) eludes me.

I have nothing more to give.  Honestly.  I have done with revision and I am hoping to go in and do enough to pass.

At this crazy 5.45am blog writing session I am thankful.
For you guys being there to let me get everything out of my head and onto paper. Therapy indeed.
Thankful for the opportunity to develop myself into someone I hadn't realised I was.  Apart from smart and good at maths, I know I have the love and strength in me that I was never praised for as a child.  Always feeling not good enough. I now believe I am good enough.  These struggles showed me that despite the turbulence, I can cope, I can do it well and I can be so loving at these times.

What I can't be is forgiving of university.  One rule for them, one rule for us.  They can use bad english and misspell words, heck they can even be rude in replying to an email.  Yet for us, no.  Don't even go there! Dare not to sign off with your name.  Crime committed.
They have almost ruined my life to the point it is genius.  Never before have I been clearer of where I am going and what I want.  Never before have I realised that even though people think they are better than us, they definitely aren't.
Highlighting that despite paying £9k a year in fees (making us a fantastic client for them) we could not expect good customer service. Woe betide us if we flashed that one at them.

What's it all about?  The journey.

Do I believe qualifications are the be all and end all?  No.  But I'm excited for the future experiences they have led me to.  Going to a place of knowing what I want is exciting!