Last day of year 2

Who would have known when this journey began that I would have wished I was as slim as when I started?

I thought I was fat. 

Everyday I pulled on my jeans, put on my make up and straightened my hair to within an inch of its healthy life and I felt I wasn't enough.  I was wrong.

I was happy, carefree and I was good enough.
Looking back on selfies from 3 years ago, I looked healthier and fresher.  This is nothing to do with 3 years of history showing on my face.  Sonia, my PhD friend warned me that this process ages you.  She isn't wrong.

Part of me wouldn't mind.  If it were all worth it.  Yet is it?
What am I reaching for? To be called Dr? For someone to say, "Isn't she really smart?" To prove something to myself?  Well I was called Dr Usher yesterday! Got to laugh, I filled in a form online and decided it would be fun to select "Dr" instead of Mrs. They called me while Scott and I were in Marks and Spencer talking about #examgate (tell you in a minute!), "Is that Dr Usher?" I screwed my face up in fun and mouthed to Scott "Dr Usher" while pointing to the phone.

Beginning way back 4 years ago I had this crazy idea to get a degree. I had been searching for something. I wasn't too sure what.   After a heartbreak and the idea of giving up my dream for more children, I felt I needed something.  My children were 13 at the time and Dad was happy to step up and do a few school runs while Mum was going to start cleaning one day a week for me.  The old, sad heartbroken me was no more.
Fast forward to a couple of twins who need driving lessons and encouragement, a Dad who has passed away and a Mum with heart disease and dementia.  On top of all this, my healed heart is happy spending time with my Scott who has survived myocarditis.  It's all too surreal.  My daughter has had a particularly bad bout of glandular fever (mono) and as for me, more and more diagnosis are coming my way.  Ankylosing spondylitis as well as facet joint arthritis is giving me grief.  Then began the menstrual issues.  Thinking it was age, I got an innocent scan.
"You've got adenomyosis and must be in pain."  As well as that, I have got endometriosis back which haunted me for many pre-child years.  A lovely little chocolate cyst reminds me its there.  Of course the crohns is always my enemy and trying to get on top of allergies when my right eye constantly runs is all a nightmare.
I'm not sleeping past 5am as I am in the living room while Mum is upstairs in my comfy bed.
Who would have thought it?

Daring not to mention my dog Harley and his ulcer in his eye.
A middle of the night vet trip set me back a few quids! Bless him with his shivering temperature and closed eye. He was in so much pain.  Improving now but all thanks to the love I have extended to them all.  I'm shattered.

University has not been supportive hardly at all.  To be honest, one lady has.  She is my boss there.  She understands health struggles and she takes care of us.
My peers have patted me on the back and praised me for not quitting.
3 times I have been encouraged to 'interrupt my studies' but no. I think this far I may have done enough to pass.  Yet todays exam (nutrition) eludes me.

I have nothing more to give.  Honestly.  I have done with revision and I am hoping to go in and do enough to pass.

At this crazy 5.45am blog writing session I am thankful.
For you guys being there to let me get everything out of my head and onto paper. Therapy indeed.
Thankful for the opportunity to develop myself into someone I hadn't realised I was.  Apart from smart and good at maths, I know I have the love and strength in me that I was never praised for as a child.  Always feeling not good enough. I now believe I am good enough.  These struggles showed me that despite the turbulence, I can cope, I can do it well and I can be so loving at these times.

What I can't be is forgiving of university.  One rule for them, one rule for us.  They can use bad english and misspell words, heck they can even be rude in replying to an email.  Yet for us, no.  Don't even go there! Dare not to sign off with your name.  Crime committed.
They have almost ruined my life to the point it is genius.  Never before have I been clearer of where I am going and what I want.  Never before have I realised that even though people think they are better than us, they definitely aren't.
Highlighting that despite paying £9k a year in fees (making us a fantastic client for them) we could not expect good customer service. Woe betide us if we flashed that one at them.

What's it all about?  The journey.

Do I believe qualifications are the be all and end all?  No.  But I'm excited for the future experiences they have led me to.  Going to a place of knowing what I want is exciting!

Bank Holiday revision

After much panic (needed panic?)  I am sat at university on Bank Holiday Sunday.

The weather is streaming sunshine outside.  Yet here I am revising.  Thankfully things are starting to click into place and I feel like this is what I need to do.  To just brave it out!

At university we have been discouraged from using  the internet.  Especially you tube.  Yet last year I felt it really helped so much.  Two friends of mine (one from last years uni and one from this year) both suggested I use Youtube.  So I have.  Sitting here with my headphones on and watching youtube.  Making notes and hoping to get around to writing up some bullet points.

All the while I am sharing these videos over on my Science of Nutrition Facebook page.  I hope it will help some of you guys too.

After previous disappointing results, I have really been going to town beating myself up about this.  Silly.  Silly me.

Yet the family have needed me as we have been taking Scott through a series of heart operations, tests and issues.  Of course I'm still there for mum as we get used to life without Dad and now on top of these types of dramas my car has gone wrong.  Not good as I need to pay a small fortune to fix it.  But good as I am now getting a new one!  Wonderful.  Excited.

Meeting up with my personal tutor and the mental health team on Thursday.  Just to get some support.   A little rub on the arm and a 'come on Louise, you've got this' will help massively.

Panic.  Breathe.

Really losing it - poor results

Ok sit tight for a bumpy ride on this blog.


There is  a desperate need and desire inside to actually share a load which is a burdensome load.  Things at university are not going well.

Last year in London, I was an A student.  Except for chemistry which was tricky.  Then I still passed with 56%.

This year, not so. 

i'm struggling with silly results and if I pass, I will only just pass.  This is not the way I operate.

Results today were from a nutrition essay.  Nutrition.  And Essay.  My thing.  My thing?
The title was "What are the role of

March

How has year 1 been?

March already.  Where is the first year going at university?

My good intentions were to add to this blog each week.  Recording my life lessons as well as my science lessons.  Likely the biggest lesson I learnt was that life gets in the way, even with the best intentions.

When you first begin to fill out that UCAS form, the type of questions you ask yourself as the applicant are likely to be, "Am I good enough?" "Can I pass?" and the like.  Now, however, it is more like, "Where do I find elastic time to magic some space to write that essay?"

Being a firm believer in testing yourself and taking life to the limits in order to learn, I have found a wonderful sense of accomplishment this year.  Simple things have shown me how I learn better as an auditory learner. Which is a shock as a partially deaf student.  Also, being a lover of technology, I thought I would fall in love with my new iPad we were supplied with.  However, it seems this is only one way I find ease in which to record my notes. I still prefer note pads and pieces of paper.

Chemistry is now making sense!

After learning more and more about nutrition I realise how thankful I am for the extended year zero at London Met last year. Without that insight into chemistry I may have found things tricky this year.  As always with life, there are highs and lows and lots to catch up on on my desk, laying around in organised piles.  

This first year at university I have found an affection for the beautiful red brick buildings around campus, for coffee in Starbucks each sleepy morning and the smiling faces who serve my vanilla latte.

I now know I want to do well, be the best I can be.  I have had to learn the lesson of this by lowering my work hours. I wish to continue my studies upon successful completion of this Honours degree.

Here's to the exam period and the second year.

Essay over, next essay begins while I take steroids

Thank goodness for that.  

The meiosis essay has been handed in and lets await the mark.  I can definitely see areas for improvement but it was like pulling teeth writing that essay.  However, I have learnt loads from writing it and I see loads of research needed is to do with genetics so I guess I might have to learn even more.  I'll keep you posted and update the last blog post when the result comes through.  I usually float around 50-60% so hope for another.... I'd love to improve my scientific essay writing.  Poles apart from blog or novel writing and it's been such a massive eye opener for me!  Not my favourite thing.  It's all Facts, Facts, Facts.  No creativity.  Needs evidence base to back it up!  None of this imagination stuff.  

That said, I spent a little time yesterday afternoon doing a bit of research to decide where I may like to take my career in the field of study.  Would I go do a masters in dietetics?  Or another thing to add into the mix is learning that a PGdip (post graduate diploma) is enough to get registered as a health professional (HPC) as a dietitian.  This still takes lots of placement time running around hospital wards and I'm just not sure how much I'm up to that. Been working on my health and fitness but more about this shortly!  Looking at a PhD I could see that some PhD's didn't require either registration with HPC or a masters degree.  A good mark in a BSc honours would do the job. I really want to be one or the other or both.  Realistically I can see it being a PhD.  London met where I studied last year do one that you can do partly distance learning.  That sounds fantastic.

The government are setting up a new system to take on more health professionals.  It will enable a loan rather than a bursary which will free up a little more money to be able to be spent on tuition fees. Great news for the NHS who need good people.  

So I definitely need to knuckle down and get those grades better to enable me to apply to continue my studies.  Research into Crohns disease excites me.  Relating to food perhaps? Maybe more niche as in the effects of sugar on crohns disease...

Talking of which.  It saddens me to say I've had to resort to taking steroids for the first time in my life.  Between events in my personal life and that time of year at uni (perhaps coupled with food I would be better off not eating) my Crohns is heading into a flare up.  This means act fast, get rid of it.  I always have controlled this with diet before but I will accept that little bit of help.  I'll keep you posted. Watch this space.  

Meanwhile, the next essay begins.  The role of fat in the diet.

Not coping well

Having not written here for way, way too long, I have just woken from a dream that sent me here to let me fingers do the talking. 


Since I last blogged in this journal, my lovely father has passed away.  

Very long story.  One of neglect once again from the medical system.   As this blog isn't about that I won't dwell too much on it. You can read about it in my personal blog here. 

However, obviously this has been a very difficult time on a practical level as well as an emotional level.  University have been less than helpful and I'm at a point (hopefully a temporary point) of thinking I might have to leave.  Despite sending many emails, reaching out for help etc I have had no support.  They have something you can apply for called extenuating circumstances. I've applied and not even had an acknowledgement.  It's been awful.  My programme leader and personal tutor have only replied with condolences.  No offer of help.

Getting to a point of realisation and acceptance, I had decided to just do my own thing as they were not going to help me.

Yet I had missed two weeks of lectures on DNA replication.  Trying to catch up for the third week was near on impossible.  The lecturer was speaking Spanish into my ears.  So I busied myself trying to read all the 'stuff' I had missed.  When she came over and tore a strip off me for being distracted, I found it very hard indeed.  The following week (this week) a woman who should know better tore another strip off me.  Both weeks I had to leave as I was in tears, came home and totally lost the plot with emotions.  

So what do I do now? 

I want to leave.  Correction, I don't want to.  I feel I'll have to.  

While I don't really NEED this degree for the job I want to do, it will give credibility and knowledge second to none.  I want this degree.  Yet can't sit in lectures crying with my anxiety and depression issues.

My wonderful friend has offered to phone the university for me and see if I can do a little distance learning.  If they say no, heaven knows what I will do.  I need to be home more.  Things are not good.  

Sad times.

End of year 1

March already.  Where is the first year going at university? 

 

My good intentions were to add to this blog each week.  Recording my life lessons as well as my science lessons.  Likely the biggest lesson I learnt was that life gets in the way, even with the best intentions.

 

When you first begin to fill out that UCAS form, the type of questions you ask yourself as the applicant are likely to be, "Am I good enough?" "Can I pass?" and the like.  Now, however, it is more like, "Where do I find elastic time to magic some space to write that essay?"

 

Being a firm believer in testing yourself and taking life to the limits in order to learn, I have found a wonderful sense of accomplishment this year.  Simple things have shown me how I learn better as an auditory learner. Which is a shock as a partially deaf student.  Also, being a lover of technology, I thought I would fall in love with my new iPad we were supplied with.  However, it seems this is only one way I find ease in which to record my notes. I still prefer note pads and pieces of paper.

 

Chemistry is now making sense!

 

After learning more and more about nutrition I realise how thankful I am for the extended year zero at London Met last year. Without that insight into chemistry I may have found things tricky this year.  As always with life, there are highs and lows and lots to catch up on on my desk, laying around in organised piles.  

This first year at university I have found an affection for the beautiful red brick buildings around campus, for coffee in Starbucks each sleepy morning and the smiling faces who serve my vanilla latte. 

 

I now know I want to do well, be the best I can be.  I have had to learn the lesson of this by lowering my work hours. I wish to continue my studies upon successful completion of this Honours degree.

 

Here's to the exam period and the second year.

Week 1 of university

Rain, rain and a little more rain. 

Gosh did it rain.  
Such a shame as we had the most amazing welcome planned for us with a beautiful marquee set up on the Pembroke lawn.  Awfully posh.  I felt it sounded just a little Royal.   

Excitedly,  I straightened my hair to its finest smoothness just that morning and was happy to hear that my new found friend Jules has also done the same.  Neither of us with an umbrella. 
Both of us taking cover in the marquee.  Bravely.  As no one else was! 
They were shyly braving the rain!  

Bacon rolls for brunch.  Yum.  Slight issue there with my gluten allergy. I ate just a rasher of bacon.  

Becky sat with me who was another human nutrition student. She was struggling to eat too as she was vegetarian.  Chatting with new friends, all seemed to be going well.  There was so much to take in on this new day.  Imagining this must be what it's like to move into the Big Brother house on channel 5 tv. Everyone getting to know each other while at the same time being on our best behaviour.  Missing my friends from my old university in this week was a huge challenge.  I was so glad Kathy was there. She was a friendly and familiar face from the last university.  
Yet I wished my Muna and Sheyma were here.  My comfort blankets.  That was all. I would have to learn to get along without them.   

The staff we met on this first week all seemed so professional, smart and totally passionate about their subjects and their university.  Buildings all around with beautiful red brick,  steeped in history of days gone by when this was a historic dockyard.  The place is just stunning.  Surrounded by trees and other green life giving forces.  Opening my eyes to see such beauty more and more as I learn details of the science behind life.  I think I'm going to like it here.

Entering clearing for university?

So you didn't get the desired results?

It sucks and no doubt you felt let down.  Yet fear not! There is always the Clearing service

What is clearing?

Basically it's a service that universities use to fill up courses. This year should prove easier than some others as we now have the Brexit issue to deal with which will have made many european students think twice.

So what you need to do is all listed here and you still have a couple of weeks to get your desired courses in.  You can call the university you are interested in and apply that way by chatting to them, or just check the clearing list on the UCAS website to find out more.

Interested in nutrition? 

If you were thinking about getting an NHS funded course, think again.  Not only is there massive competition for these courses but chances are they are filled well before exams are even taken.

Dietetics is one of these courses.

I do get hugely frustrated when I hear students apply for such courses simply so they don't get a big student loan.  That's not morally right in my opinion.  You should train with the NHS as you want to work in the NHS.  Surely?  So if you wanted to enter dietetics through clearing, chances are it's unlikely.

Nutrition on the other hand may be an option for you.

Basically this is the same course but you don't go through the placements within the NHS hospitals.  There fore it is one year less too.  At the end of it you may be registered as a nutritionist but not as a dietitian.  There is a big difference.  Really, depending on which field you think you may like to work in.

As my career is likely to take me online, nutrition is perfect for me.

Check out what is out there but bear in mind, taking a degree is HARD work.  You must be interested in your subject.  Nutrition is very heavy on Science, particularly biology and chemistry.  There's lots of maths involved too and quite a few 'talks/presentations' too.

You can look at Extended degrees too if you need to brush up on your science or have been away from education for a while.  London met and Greenwich both offer these leading to nutrition courses and I would recommend them both as excellent universities.  I have been to both.

Let me know if you have any questions you think I can help you with!

Don't forget to follow this blog as there are lots more posts coming up to let you know my tips and advice for getting through university.