How university has had an impact on my mental health

How university has had an impact on my mental health

“These will help” the doctor prescribed me anti depressants.

Who ever wants to hold out their hand and accept they have to take those? My inner soul sighed. Where had the ‘old me’ gone?

Those days of black cloud moments were becoming increasingly worrying.  Trying to describe the feeling was crazy.  It’s an empty void rather than total despair, although those moments had been flitting in and out too.  Feeling thankful for my inner support network, I knew I wasn’t in overly terrible danger. Yet this wasn’t something I could take for granted.

If the pills helped and saw me finish my degree then when not give them a shot?

How had I reached this point? So blue.  Not in control of crazy emotions.  I was always the strong one.  I had dealt with massive life challenges like single parenthood and breezed through it. So why was I struggling so much with the science I was hoping to learn? Why had it tipped me over the edge?

I reached out but the help I asked for mostly fell into a vortex of nothingness.  Until the University got involved and put me forward for counselling.  Oh Goodness.  Did this bring up some crazy stuff? Oh yes. 

Not realizing those thoughts I had always had were not normal but in fact was anxiety.  Really?  People don’t see all these worrying things turn into disaster?  Then we ended up knowing I was ruminating, which was a word I had to Google. A posh word for over-thinking.

Yes that is me.  We ended up bringing up a lot of my childhood stuff and how I had been parented.  Which is something I still struggle with but I know I can’t change what happened.  Only how I now try and tackle it.  They were wrong, my parents. They should have told me they loved me and are proud of me, and encouraged my dreams.

Things could have been worse.

University might not have caused my mental health issues but brought them to the surface.  Which was a painful experience but now I know this was totally necessary to move forward.

Excited to finish my undergrad, I was super ready to step into a less stressful situation with my MA which was a total life long dream of becoming a full time writer. 

Yet that very first day, familiar feelings came up.  Shocked to the core I had to acknowledge the university had been nothing less than perfect and these feelings were totally mine to own.  So now it was about ‘learning to dance in the rain’, knowing there were going to be good times and bad times. 

Riding this wave of life.  Rollercoaster riding with white knuckles.  When I’m up, I’m up.  I need to soak those images creating the good memories into a photographic brain to store away and hopefully use as my rocking chair memories. 

Knowing that without those down times, life would be flat and unrecognizable in the up times.  After a few years of down moments, I write with joy in saying today is an up day.  I smile needlessly with a thought and a stomach flip and these are thoughts I will cherish.

The end of the term

I can't quite believe I'm typing this but the term has ended.

Making it to the end, against all odds I have to say I have given myself a pat on the back and I feel very proud of hanging on in there until it's all over.  Chuffed.  Chuffed.  Chuffed.

Exam time has given me a buzz, as always and I hope I have done enough to pass.  I feel I have.  Not without putting in the time and effort though.  Night after night, day after day I have worked hard in the beautiful university library.  I love it here.  Very grounding and really gets you to work.  What a great space.

What has helped me?

I found that going over old exam papers was by far the best way of revising for this first year.  Many of the questions were repeated and it gave me the skill to learn how to properly read the question and indeed how to answer them too!  I felt that reading over the powerpoint slides again just confused me.

Many of the questions gave us a choice of 10 and we had to answer 7 of them.  About half of these were repeated the past 3 years and me and my classmates came to the conclusion that this way likely to be a pattern for this year too.  Focused, I attempted all of them yet to be honest, I struggled with the renal system (kidneys etc) and couldn't get my head around it despite giving it several hours attention. Instead, I decided to quit trying and focus on other areas where I could gain more confidence and likely more marks.

Feeling very much like I was dreading the biochemistry exam (the last one) I was entering the room slightly nervous.  There was no need though as I honestly feel I really took the bull by the horns and managed to do well as I could have.  I applied for E.C (extenuating circumstances) due to missing so many lectures on this subject.  That all happened around the time that I lost Dad.  Poor Dad.  Sorry to keep blaming you Pop.  Obviously I am/was glad to be on hand to make everything happen in relation to organising the official things.  Mum needed my support that's for sure.

Without having a belief in myself (despite being against the odds), spending time in the library and going over those old exam papers, I'm not sure I would be as confident.  Let's wait and see now but everything crossed, I'll let you know what the outcome is in a few weeks time!

Week 1 of university

Rain, rain and a little more rain. 

Gosh did it rain.  
Such a shame as we had the most amazing welcome planned for us with a beautiful marquee set up on the Pembroke lawn.  Awfully posh.  I felt it sounded just a little Royal.   

Excitedly,  I straightened my hair to its finest smoothness just that morning and was happy to hear that my new found friend Jules has also done the same.  Neither of us with an umbrella. 
Both of us taking cover in the marquee.  Bravely.  As no one else was! 
They were shyly braving the rain!  

Bacon rolls for brunch.  Yum.  Slight issue there with my gluten allergy. I ate just a rasher of bacon.  

Becky sat with me who was another human nutrition student. She was struggling to eat too as she was vegetarian.  Chatting with new friends, all seemed to be going well.  There was so much to take in on this new day.  Imagining this must be what it's like to move into the Big Brother house on channel 5 tv. Everyone getting to know each other while at the same time being on our best behaviour.  Missing my friends from my old university in this week was a huge challenge.  I was so glad Kathy was there. She was a friendly and familiar face from the last university.  
Yet I wished my Muna and Sheyma were here.  My comfort blankets.  That was all. I would have to learn to get along without them.   

The staff we met on this first week all seemed so professional, smart and totally passionate about their subjects and their university.  Buildings all around with beautiful red brick,  steeped in history of days gone by when this was a historic dockyard.  The place is just stunning.  Surrounded by trees and other green life giving forces.  Opening my eyes to see such beauty more and more as I learn details of the science behind life.  I think I'm going to like it here.