Yesterday was such a crazy day. My mind has been in a fantastic place lately and I really am feeling so much better. Off I go into university proudly in my ambassador uniform. We were part of a focus group. Myself and two other ambassadors who I know are present as I realise they are also the two political ones who do some work for the students union. For what it's worth to others, the student union is amazing in that it has so many answers and can pull several strings if you need help, anyhow... We had a wonderful lady running the session and she was totally awesome in her outlook, professionalism and generally the way she conducted herself and her room. I was more than impressed. A lovely smile too :)
We were asked to answer this question for future university students, "What I wish I had known when I started university." and as the conversation began to flow, it was apparent that most of us had been really unhappy. Especially me. This lady in charge was keen to speak further to me at the end of the session and both of my peers stayed with me. They were kind of giving me, 'ahh; looks and rubbing the top of my shoulder to show me some support.
After this, they and their young but political heads said we need to goto the office of the Director of student finance. I was nervous.. I was always aiming to be that person who is easy to manage and not to go knocking on doors. Yet in this case of this university experience, that had done me no favours. So what was I to do?
We went in. there was a slight atmosphere as it felt we had entered his office Mob Handed. Yet he was open and we began to talk. When I suggested questioning one of my marks he seemed defensive in my eyes and started to raise his voice in a fashion of, "Ok then, let's have a look at what exactly we said here." And I exclaimed that this is exactly the reason I do not come with questions. Knowing that this might all lead to a place of conflict is exactly what I was afraid of every time. Yes I am a hippy and proud to admit this too. I'd rather be that person than the other type. Heartless and cold. Just like my course leader. I couldn't help but cry and pick up my bag while letting it be known this is exactly what I hadn't wanted.
"What did i do?" He questioned and threw up his arms.
The other two said, "Woah woah." and tried to calm everyone down.
A tissue appeared from over my shoulder and i dabbed my tears. This thing that happens happened, this out of body experience where I knew my mouth was moving and I just couldn't figure out what was going on. Was I drunk suddenly from my tears? I wasn't sure.
Three hours of drama and conversation and we were at a place where I had felt listened to and heard. I had said all there was to say about the injustice of universirt and the unfairness of certain member of the cohort getting specialist treatment. I also highlighted the fact that certain things should matter. Turning up at all, but also onetime, not leaving 5 minutes after the register is taken, being a positive team player, getting involved in all university has to offer (the socials such as the ball, the choir, the general meet ups and being there for the accessibility ambassadors). None of this counts for anything. Nor does following the spec. Like how long you must speak for at a presentation. i know this as one of our students on our course spoke for 25 minutes and was still going as she was asked to stop. We were supposed to speak for 5 minutes. In the work place this would be unacceptable. Yet her mark was incredibly good while mine was less so. Grr. Makes me so mad.
Leaving that room I felt embarrassed and strange.
Yet in the car I realised I had reached the pinnacle of the stress. It had reached its peak. No more. I had been heard, left the stress in the office and was going to start to let life flow now in the direction I needed it to flow. This was a groundbreaking moment. I could feel it was very different.
Arriving home, I was shocked to see my result had been published for my dissertation. IT was disappointing. Lots of work for 43%. Disappointing.
I began to work out all the other marks based around this. I was confident my PDP would be a good mark but I could only base this calculation on it being average. "I was likely to be celebrating a 2:2. Either 51% or 57% depending on the results which were still to follow. I was ok with that. Not the end of the world. I didn't want a 3rd. Although even to pass is a massive achievement given the circumstances through which i have completed this course. We all had our struggles but you couldn't make it up. Not really. So, on to a new life and time to get cracking with what I really love, writing. This is something I felt when I went to sleep and what I awoke. Strangely enough, the universe delivered me clarity of this by sending me a wonderful PDP results of 90% which I knew would be totally up my street. Writing. Its me. I just need to do more of it. Already it brings an income which is more than wonderful and I just need to do more of it so that income is enough to be living on. I'm excited for the future and I feel better! Hurrah.
Time to plan the graduation party!
Monday 31 May 2021
Saturday 29 May 2021
University is OVER!
Today is a very strange feeling. University is over. Silly me didn't plan anything for the remainder of yesterday and after the presentation and the token glass of wine I felt a little like i was wandering in the dark. Lots planned for today but yesterday was odd. So Jasmine and I ended up in Creams. Never been before. I ate pistachio ice cream and the world seemed a better place.
'So what now?' keeps springing into my mind. I definitely need to get clear and laser focused on my forward plan. Today I've a meeting and I'm making some tentative plans forward - next week I have promised myself some down time and some dog walking/gym visit days. After that, it's nose to the grindstone time. Much to achieve. Especially organising my desk and filing away those bits of research all completed.
Could university have been any more stressful? The jury is still out on this one but my health kind of only did it's usual thing rather than anything worse so that is a blessing.
Yet the challenges i faced were quite crazy. From being in a class (my first chemistry class) and realising the guy was speaking another language - then leaving in tears and frustrated panic - to being verbally attacked by one woman older than me who felt she knew it all. This was so disgustingly vile that I actually took a serious decline in my mental health and needing two weeks off following a life altering panic attack.
Finishing that year was quite an achievement. Moving university was definitely the right thing to do. Closer to home, a pretty building I could park close to, a chance to pop to the library without the 1h40mins journey each way and a hefty priced train ticket. The support for the learning wasn't there like it had been in London but it was still the right decision. Settling into that university was quite seamless. Mum and Dad were busy travelling the world and after an emotional time returning on the last plane back from Egypt we settled into a lovely Christmas. Soon after, Dad was taken unwell. 4 days in hospital showed us his decline to the level he was placed into a coma as his wind pipe began to close. His body wasn't receiving messages from the brain as there had been a stroke. Massive damage to the brain stem which we didn't know at the time. This is the part which controls all the main body functions like temperature, heart rate, breathing, blood pressure. Without it, we cease to be. An MRI showed us the extent of the damage which was caused by the stroke. We just needed to wait for the news back from Kings Hospital that this was actually as much of 'a disaster' as the consultant thought.
It was.
We made the decision as a family to switch off life support. But this was the twins 16th birthday. We couldn't let that happen. So 24 hours after a very difficult birthday, we headed to hospital for a beautiful and heartbreaking transition in Dads life as we said goodbye. We played him Queen, The Beatles and some other music I knew he would love. I sang. Not that well. I talked to him all the way through, "Just let yourself go Dad, I'll take care of things here." He kept himself alive for 3 hours. We had prayers and the last rites which was the most hard thing of all.
So Final.
Peacefully he took his last breath. As I cradled his head, Scott announced Dads eyelids had just relaxed. I knew his spirit had left his body. An instant change was seen in the shell which remained and I didn't want to remember him as anything other than the tanned sun worshipper he was. So I tucked him in, tickled his feet as he used to do with me as a child and told him to sleep tight.
Steve, my brother, died 18 years before this so it was over to me to organise mum, the twins, the funeral. Scott was a great support then. But times change, and his loyalties are elsewhere now. Another heartbreak. Although at this time, he didn't know he was about to undergo a life threatening illness right after the funeral. Myocarditis. This was very frightening. Many people die of this. The NHS let him down and Scotts mum funded an excellent appointment to a private cardiologist who instantly told Scott, "You are a very unwell man and I need to prescribe a lot of drugs as a life insurance, here and now." Without that visit, Scott was unlikely to have made it. Still he is unwell, but I have been invited to stop taking him to those CMRI's and appointments. My replacement is a bit useless (he has told me previously) but I can only deal with my own issues now which is rather painful but necessary. Last year saw both in laws passing away too just two months after my own mum suffered a massive heart attack and had a week in intensive care. she had been in total heart block and the next stage is cardiac arrest. Thankfully surgery and drugs helped her. During this time we were forced to acknowledge that something we had always put down to her being a bit daft was actually a worrying sign and she was later diagnosed with both vascular dementia and alzheimers. She came to live with me, I needed to pack her house up and box everything. Nick Naks everywhere. Quite literally. I'm not even kidding. Everywhere. Having mum with us has been a nightmare and still continues to be. She's always on my mind and even right now, here I sit in Starbucks writing as I simply can't stand being at home. T?his goes in stages though as I often find I need to be home every minute I'm not with clients. UGH. The house has changed, I never go into the living room anymore as the noises of the game shows she watches drive me crazy.
Among all of this of course I'm dealing with being a mum to twins, running a business, worrying about money and what I will do in my future career. AS well as dealing with the worst mental health I have ever experienced and Crohns disease. Even now, here I am with a hot flush as my hormones try and sort themselves out over time. So much has gone on. Yet I have helped coach the other members in my little team when they have lacked confidence (and they helped me massively too, it's not a one way street) and I have also gone through a terrible time with my personal tutor and gave her the elbow in place of another, nicer lady. Turns out now she is leaving. Someone suggested 'restructuring'. Perhaps it might have helped if she was nicer to us and we might have had a positive university experience and given more positive feedback on the survey we needed to complete.
Injustice. My pet hate. Be nice. Be honest. Be kind. Truthfulness
A few days later...
Just five days after university ended and I am beginning to sleep again. I have ovulated for the first time in 9 months and life feels strangely different. The website is beginning to be built which is something that is definitely needed in order to take my online business to the next level. As well as taking my dreams up a gear too.
Yet today the heavens opened in my town and we had floods-a-plenty. There was a massive sinkhole opening on the road leading to mums day centre, so she won't be going there now tomorrow. God give me patience. I was hoping to get lots of work done. Ahh actually as the rain literally came through the roof of my log cabin office, all over my computers, books, journals etc I realised there might be a definite need to get lots of work done in my house. I need fixes and decorating and flooring and all. Then where would I put my office? I just didn't know. Being able to work at the dining room table is kind of an option but then not really as once mum is up and about we have the sound of the news, gameshows and other daily chat shows to deal with. And deal with it I cannot do....then comes the guilt. Knowing she won't live forever, knowing she will be having a really hard time with life yet trying to smile through. Knowing I should be loving and giving and hug her. As I can bet my little fingernail I will want to hug her the minute i'll see her taking her last breaths.
This is hard. University has taught me through the life course approach to health that mum has likely caused my crohns disease though feeding me at the age of 3 days old onwards. The words following her mouth are simply not fair or particularly nice either. I just don't like it. Why treat me like that? Anyway - this post should be about leaving university. I can't help but think i no longer have an excuse to go out and leave the home as much as i would like to. Nor can I keep using the excuse i have to do this and that. one thing I will promise myself is to keep writing. Writing is the one thing that has always defined me. From being that lonely child, to journalling here and now as I go. It's all about me - like as in it's what flows through my arteries. I know this.
So what is next? Is it the building of the online business? This isn't totally at the top of my requests really but i do know it will be a good earner. Ideally I would love to get the Youtube edits built more and more, I have so much to say! This and sharing my blog posts will be amazing. I'm excited for it all. Yet getting those sign ups is a little frightening. If they were to go ahead and sign up, I'm committed to providing a massive service to those who want it, which scares me. It's not really where I want to be. Even down to the point I'm happy to answer emails but I really don't want to do 121 consultations. Ohh a name of calling myself a nutritional consultant just popped into my mind, that is quite marvellous! Using Patreon and Fiverr gigs would be an ideal way for these people to buy these services from me. Ideal. Just ideal. This is the way forward and jotting all my brain dumps down onto Morning pages which is actually dusk time pages is really the best way to get clarity on what exactly it is I want to do. Yes, this does make sense. Even as i write i'm rearranging the dining room to see if I might be able to juggle desks and american fridges with glass topped tables....
I know the second I begin my MA in creative writing I am going to be thinking along those lines. It's what I want and where want to be spending my time and energy to be honest. It's what I love and what others love me for too! I'm excited for that.
As the daylight fades right now, I think it's definitely time to organise my dining room. If mum sleeps until 10 each morning as she does, and goes to bed at 9 each night as she does, we definitely can do some work in there each side of those times. This is all to play for while I await my results of my Batchelors degree. Did I pass? Of course, I'm sure...let's hope for a 2:1.
'So what now?' keeps springing into my mind. I definitely need to get clear and laser focused on my forward plan. Today I've a meeting and I'm making some tentative plans forward - next week I have promised myself some down time and some dog walking/gym visit days. After that, it's nose to the grindstone time. Much to achieve. Especially organising my desk and filing away those bits of research all completed.
Could university have been any more stressful? The jury is still out on this one but my health kind of only did it's usual thing rather than anything worse so that is a blessing.
Yet the challenges i faced were quite crazy. From being in a class (my first chemistry class) and realising the guy was speaking another language - then leaving in tears and frustrated panic - to being verbally attacked by one woman older than me who felt she knew it all. This was so disgustingly vile that I actually took a serious decline in my mental health and needing two weeks off following a life altering panic attack.
Finishing that year was quite an achievement. Moving university was definitely the right thing to do. Closer to home, a pretty building I could park close to, a chance to pop to the library without the 1h40mins journey each way and a hefty priced train ticket. The support for the learning wasn't there like it had been in London but it was still the right decision. Settling into that university was quite seamless. Mum and Dad were busy travelling the world and after an emotional time returning on the last plane back from Egypt we settled into a lovely Christmas. Soon after, Dad was taken unwell. 4 days in hospital showed us his decline to the level he was placed into a coma as his wind pipe began to close. His body wasn't receiving messages from the brain as there had been a stroke. Massive damage to the brain stem which we didn't know at the time. This is the part which controls all the main body functions like temperature, heart rate, breathing, blood pressure. Without it, we cease to be. An MRI showed us the extent of the damage which was caused by the stroke. We just needed to wait for the news back from Kings Hospital that this was actually as much of 'a disaster' as the consultant thought.
It was.
We made the decision as a family to switch off life support. But this was the twins 16th birthday. We couldn't let that happen. So 24 hours after a very difficult birthday, we headed to hospital for a beautiful and heartbreaking transition in Dads life as we said goodbye. We played him Queen, The Beatles and some other music I knew he would love. I sang. Not that well. I talked to him all the way through, "Just let yourself go Dad, I'll take care of things here." He kept himself alive for 3 hours. We had prayers and the last rites which was the most hard thing of all.
So Final.
Peacefully he took his last breath. As I cradled his head, Scott announced Dads eyelids had just relaxed. I knew his spirit had left his body. An instant change was seen in the shell which remained and I didn't want to remember him as anything other than the tanned sun worshipper he was. So I tucked him in, tickled his feet as he used to do with me as a child and told him to sleep tight.
Steve, my brother, died 18 years before this so it was over to me to organise mum, the twins, the funeral. Scott was a great support then. But times change, and his loyalties are elsewhere now. Another heartbreak. Although at this time, he didn't know he was about to undergo a life threatening illness right after the funeral. Myocarditis. This was very frightening. Many people die of this. The NHS let him down and Scotts mum funded an excellent appointment to a private cardiologist who instantly told Scott, "You are a very unwell man and I need to prescribe a lot of drugs as a life insurance, here and now." Without that visit, Scott was unlikely to have made it. Still he is unwell, but I have been invited to stop taking him to those CMRI's and appointments. My replacement is a bit useless (he has told me previously) but I can only deal with my own issues now which is rather painful but necessary. Last year saw both in laws passing away too just two months after my own mum suffered a massive heart attack and had a week in intensive care. she had been in total heart block and the next stage is cardiac arrest. Thankfully surgery and drugs helped her. During this time we were forced to acknowledge that something we had always put down to her being a bit daft was actually a worrying sign and she was later diagnosed with both vascular dementia and alzheimers. She came to live with me, I needed to pack her house up and box everything. Nick Naks everywhere. Quite literally. I'm not even kidding. Everywhere. Having mum with us has been a nightmare and still continues to be. She's always on my mind and even right now, here I sit in Starbucks writing as I simply can't stand being at home. T?his goes in stages though as I often find I need to be home every minute I'm not with clients. UGH. The house has changed, I never go into the living room anymore as the noises of the game shows she watches drive me crazy.
Among all of this of course I'm dealing with being a mum to twins, running a business, worrying about money and what I will do in my future career. AS well as dealing with the worst mental health I have ever experienced and Crohns disease. Even now, here I am with a hot flush as my hormones try and sort themselves out over time. So much has gone on. Yet I have helped coach the other members in my little team when they have lacked confidence (and they helped me massively too, it's not a one way street) and I have also gone through a terrible time with my personal tutor and gave her the elbow in place of another, nicer lady. Turns out now she is leaving. Someone suggested 'restructuring'. Perhaps it might have helped if she was nicer to us and we might have had a positive university experience and given more positive feedback on the survey we needed to complete.
Injustice. My pet hate. Be nice. Be honest. Be kind. Truthfulness
A few days later...
Just five days after university ended and I am beginning to sleep again. I have ovulated for the first time in 9 months and life feels strangely different. The website is beginning to be built which is something that is definitely needed in order to take my online business to the next level. As well as taking my dreams up a gear too.
Yet today the heavens opened in my town and we had floods-a-plenty. There was a massive sinkhole opening on the road leading to mums day centre, so she won't be going there now tomorrow. God give me patience. I was hoping to get lots of work done. Ahh actually as the rain literally came through the roof of my log cabin office, all over my computers, books, journals etc I realised there might be a definite need to get lots of work done in my house. I need fixes and decorating and flooring and all. Then where would I put my office? I just didn't know. Being able to work at the dining room table is kind of an option but then not really as once mum is up and about we have the sound of the news, gameshows and other daily chat shows to deal with. And deal with it I cannot do....then comes the guilt. Knowing she won't live forever, knowing she will be having a really hard time with life yet trying to smile through. Knowing I should be loving and giving and hug her. As I can bet my little fingernail I will want to hug her the minute i'll see her taking her last breaths.
This is hard. University has taught me through the life course approach to health that mum has likely caused my crohns disease though feeding me at the age of 3 days old onwards. The words following her mouth are simply not fair or particularly nice either. I just don't like it. Why treat me like that? Anyway - this post should be about leaving university. I can't help but think i no longer have an excuse to go out and leave the home as much as i would like to. Nor can I keep using the excuse i have to do this and that. one thing I will promise myself is to keep writing. Writing is the one thing that has always defined me. From being that lonely child, to journalling here and now as I go. It's all about me - like as in it's what flows through my arteries. I know this.
So what is next? Is it the building of the online business? This isn't totally at the top of my requests really but i do know it will be a good earner. Ideally I would love to get the Youtube edits built more and more, I have so much to say! This and sharing my blog posts will be amazing. I'm excited for it all. Yet getting those sign ups is a little frightening. If they were to go ahead and sign up, I'm committed to providing a massive service to those who want it, which scares me. It's not really where I want to be. Even down to the point I'm happy to answer emails but I really don't want to do 121 consultations. Ohh a name of calling myself a nutritional consultant just popped into my mind, that is quite marvellous! Using Patreon and Fiverr gigs would be an ideal way for these people to buy these services from me. Ideal. Just ideal. This is the way forward and jotting all my brain dumps down onto Morning pages which is actually dusk time pages is really the best way to get clarity on what exactly it is I want to do. Yes, this does make sense. Even as i write i'm rearranging the dining room to see if I might be able to juggle desks and american fridges with glass topped tables....
I know the second I begin my MA in creative writing I am going to be thinking along those lines. It's what I want and where want to be spending my time and energy to be honest. It's what I love and what others love me for too! I'm excited for that.
As the daylight fades right now, I think it's definitely time to organise my dining room. If mum sleeps until 10 each morning as she does, and goes to bed at 9 each night as she does, we definitely can do some work in there each side of those times. This is all to play for while I await my results of my Batchelors degree. Did I pass? Of course, I'm sure...let's hope for a 2:1.
Tuesday 25 May 2021
University is OVER
Today is a very strange feeling. University is over. Silly me didn't plan anything for the remainder of yesterday and after the presentation and the token glass of wine I felt a little like i was wandering in the dark. Lots planned for today but yesterday was odd. So Jasmine and I ended up in Creams. Never been before. I ate pistachio ice cream and the world seemed a better place.
'So what now?' keeps springing into my mind. I definitely need to get clear and laser focused on my forward plan. Today I've a meeting and I'm making some tentative plans forward - next week I have promised myself some down time and some dog walking/gym visit days. After that, it's nose to the grindstone time. Much to achieve. Especially organising my desk and filing away those bits of research all completed.
Could university have been any more stressful? The jury is still out on this one but my health kind of only did it's usual thing rather than anything worse so that is a blessing.
Yet the challenges i faced were quite crazy. From being in a class (my first chemistry class) and realising the guy was speaking another language - then leaving in tears and frustrated panic to being verbally attacked by one woman older than me who felt she knew it all. This was so disgustingly vile that I actually took a serious decline in my mental health and needing two weeks off following a life altering panic attack.
Finishing that year was quite an achievement. Moving university was definitely the right thing to do. Closer to home, a pretty building I could park close to, a chance to pop to the library without the 1h40mins journey each way and a hefty priced train ticket. The support for the learning wasn't there like it had been in London but it was still the right decision. Settling into that university was quite seamless. Mum and Dad were busy travelling the world and after an emotional time returning on the last plane back from Egypt we settled into a lovely Christmas. Soon after, Dad was taken unwell. 4 days in hospital showed us his decline to the level he was placed into a coma as his wind pipe began to close. His body wasn't receiving messages from the brain as there had been a stroke. Massive damage to the brain stem which we didn't know at the time. This is the part which controls all the main body functions like temperature, heart rate, breathing, blood pressure. Without it, we cease to be. An MRI showed us the extent of the damage which was caused by the stroke. We just needed to wait for the news back from Kings Hospital that this was actually as much of 'a disaster' as the consultant thought.
It was.
We made the decision as a family to switch off life support. But this was the twins 16th birthday. We couldn't let that happen. So 24 hours after a very difficult birthday, we headed to hospital for a beautiful and heartbreaking transition in Dads life as we said goodbye. We played him Queen, The Beatles and some other music I knew he would love. I sang. Not that well. I talked to him all the way through, "Just let yourself go Dad, I'll take care of things here." He kept himself alive for 3 hours. We had prayers and the last rites which was the most hard thing of all. So Final.
Peacefully he took his last breath. As I cradled his head, Scott announced Dads eyelids had just relaxed. I knew his spirit had left his body. An instant change was seen in the shell which remained and I didn't want to remember him as anything other than the tanned sun worshipper he was. So I tucked him in, tickled his feet as he used to do with me as a child and told him to sleep tight.
Steve, my brother, died 18 years before this so it was over to me to organise mum, the twins, the funeral. Scott was a great support then. But times change, and his loyalties are elsewhere now. Another heartbreak. Although at this time, he didn't know he was about to undergo a life threatening illness right after the funeral. Myocarditis. This was very frightening. Many people die of this. The NHS let him down and Scotts mum funded an excellent appointment to a private cardiologist who instantly told Scott, "You are a very unwell man and I need to prescribe a lot of drugs as a life insurance, here and now." Without that visit, Scott was unlikely to have made it. Still he is unwell, but I have been invited to stop taking him to those CMRI's and appointments. My replacement is a bit useless (he has told me previously) but I can only deal with my own issues now which is rather painful but necessary.
'So what now?' keeps springing into my mind. I definitely need to get clear and laser focused on my forward plan. Today I've a meeting and I'm making some tentative plans forward - next week I have promised myself some down time and some dog walking/gym visit days. After that, it's nose to the grindstone time. Much to achieve. Especially organising my desk and filing away those bits of research all completed.
Could university have been any more stressful? The jury is still out on this one but my health kind of only did it's usual thing rather than anything worse so that is a blessing.
Yet the challenges i faced were quite crazy. From being in a class (my first chemistry class) and realising the guy was speaking another language - then leaving in tears and frustrated panic to being verbally attacked by one woman older than me who felt she knew it all. This was so disgustingly vile that I actually took a serious decline in my mental health and needing two weeks off following a life altering panic attack.
Finishing that year was quite an achievement. Moving university was definitely the right thing to do. Closer to home, a pretty building I could park close to, a chance to pop to the library without the 1h40mins journey each way and a hefty priced train ticket. The support for the learning wasn't there like it had been in London but it was still the right decision. Settling into that university was quite seamless. Mum and Dad were busy travelling the world and after an emotional time returning on the last plane back from Egypt we settled into a lovely Christmas. Soon after, Dad was taken unwell. 4 days in hospital showed us his decline to the level he was placed into a coma as his wind pipe began to close. His body wasn't receiving messages from the brain as there had been a stroke. Massive damage to the brain stem which we didn't know at the time. This is the part which controls all the main body functions like temperature, heart rate, breathing, blood pressure. Without it, we cease to be. An MRI showed us the extent of the damage which was caused by the stroke. We just needed to wait for the news back from Kings Hospital that this was actually as much of 'a disaster' as the consultant thought.
It was.
We made the decision as a family to switch off life support. But this was the twins 16th birthday. We couldn't let that happen. So 24 hours after a very difficult birthday, we headed to hospital for a beautiful and heartbreaking transition in Dads life as we said goodbye. We played him Queen, The Beatles and some other music I knew he would love. I sang. Not that well. I talked to him all the way through, "Just let yourself go Dad, I'll take care of things here." He kept himself alive for 3 hours. We had prayers and the last rites which was the most hard thing of all. So Final.
Peacefully he took his last breath. As I cradled his head, Scott announced Dads eyelids had just relaxed. I knew his spirit had left his body. An instant change was seen in the shell which remained and I didn't want to remember him as anything other than the tanned sun worshipper he was. So I tucked him in, tickled his feet as he used to do with me as a child and told him to sleep tight.
Steve, my brother, died 18 years before this so it was over to me to organise mum, the twins, the funeral. Scott was a great support then. But times change, and his loyalties are elsewhere now. Another heartbreak. Although at this time, he didn't know he was about to undergo a life threatening illness right after the funeral. Myocarditis. This was very frightening. Many people die of this. The NHS let him down and Scotts mum funded an excellent appointment to a private cardiologist who instantly told Scott, "You are a very unwell man and I need to prescribe a lot of drugs as a life insurance, here and now." Without that visit, Scott was unlikely to have made it. Still he is unwell, but I have been invited to stop taking him to those CMRI's and appointments. My replacement is a bit useless (he has told me previously) but I can only deal with my own issues now which is rather painful but necessary.
Saturday 15 May 2021
Post-exam feeling.
Waking up post exams is a nice feeling!
Did I do enough? Lots of big words were involved so I’m hoping so.
At the end of the day my aim was to not quit. I’ve not quit.
A 1st class honours or 2:1 would be a bonus. But I’ve not quit.
The thing about this groovy degree is there are always paramedics around and I video chatted with one last night checking mums legs. They were freezing cold and quite white. Capillary refill is my latest skill I’ve learnt :)
Mum isn’t great but ok. We are seeing the optician today which will be useful. My paramedic friend did say sometimes there are things they just can’t treat and it’s a case of care and comfort (I said that bit in my own words).
So, quick cheeky ten min coffee and I’m hairdressing…
Did I do enough? Lots of big words were involved so I’m hoping so.
At the end of the day my aim was to not quit. I’ve not quit.
A 1st class honours or 2:1 would be a bonus. But I’ve not quit.
The thing about this groovy degree is there are always paramedics around and I video chatted with one last night checking mums legs. They were freezing cold and quite white. Capillary refill is my latest skill I’ve learnt :)
Mum isn’t great but ok. We are seeing the optician today which will be useful. My paramedic friend did say sometimes there are things they just can’t treat and it’s a case of care and comfort (I said that bit in my own words).
So, quick cheeky ten min coffee and I’m hairdressing…
Thursday 13 May 2021
Last exam is tomorrow!
So, yes the last exam is tomorrow.
I don't know how I feel and it's super strange to be honest.
Yesterday I spent a fraction of time (amongst my revision) gathering together photographs of my time at university and adding them to my newest Facebook photo album entitled "University life".
Flicking through -and there are many more to be added- I realised there have also been many wonderful memories. Yet these are mostly to do with the small handful of amazing people I have met along the way and the fun times to be had at the posh events we have been to!
Some people I am glad to never see again. In fact I would go so far as to avoid them at all costs as their nastiness has caused me actual massive emotional turmoil. More than that; anxiety. One in particular stands out in my memory and to gather the positive aspect from this, she highlighted that I do have actual anxiety and have had for some years. Yet the most massive panic attack outside St Pancras train station highlighted me to this. Feeling as though I was going to die, I phoned my husband at the time and said goodbye.
"Where are you?" He asked and I explained. He cleverly yet unknowingly got me to describe the places I could see,
"There is a McDonalds on the corner and the station is behind me..." He told me to sit down and take some breaths. I didn't have time for that, I had to get to a chemistry exam.
Two weeks off followed and a host of medication. Thankfully, I finally stopped these meds recently
Knowing now how we all need to give respect to our mental health, I am able to recognise that this is likely something I carried with me since my bullied days of school. That's a whole other story and likely a whole other book! Knowledge is power they say. I agree with 'them'. Now I can spot times of danger with my mental health. Now I am able to shape my life to fuel my soul and to love my whole self in respect of who I am and what I need to generate happiness and joy within my life.
Which, after all, is the entire point of being.
What is life if not joyful?
The actual politics accompanying the academic world have not impressed me. It's simply not what i am about. I'm about heart and love and being kind to each other. It seems the majority of academics are at university to carry out their research. An important job of course. Yet I would imagine the difference between being a teacher and being a researcher is a whole host of other skills. A handful of our academics really seem to care at my university and I adore them for that!
The Exam
So I have a seen exam tomorrow starting at 9:30am. We know there are 5 questions and we know we answer 3 of them. I have decided on my questions to be answered and done a little research into what I will write. Today I am going to write them blog post fashion and publish them over on my nutrition blog. Re-reading them I will hope to remember some of what I have written and let's hope it's right! I've taken the brave a bold step to answer a question from the most harsh marker in the department. Yet I love the question, the subject and the topic! See the next few blog posts to see what they are and how I have answered them. Of course if you are simply interested in my journal here and not much interested in nutrition then please skip past...
One last thing. Obviously this work needs to be done in Starbucks!
Wish me luck!
I don't know how I feel and it's super strange to be honest.
Yesterday I spent a fraction of time (amongst my revision) gathering together photographs of my time at university and adding them to my newest Facebook photo album entitled "University life".
Flicking through -and there are many more to be added- I realised there have also been many wonderful memories. Yet these are mostly to do with the small handful of amazing people I have met along the way and the fun times to be had at the posh events we have been to!
 |
| Autumn in our campus. |
 |
| Me Stealing Annas glasses in year one! |
 |
| The Greenwich campus is simply stunning. |
 |
| Summer ball in year one |
 |
| Leavers dinner in year 4 |
Some people I am glad to never see again. In fact I would go so far as to avoid them at all costs as their nastiness has caused me actual massive emotional turmoil. More than that; anxiety. One in particular stands out in my memory and to gather the positive aspect from this, she highlighted that I do have actual anxiety and have had for some years. Yet the most massive panic attack outside St Pancras train station highlighted me to this. Feeling as though I was going to die, I phoned my husband at the time and said goodbye.
"Where are you?" He asked and I explained. He cleverly yet unknowingly got me to describe the places I could see,
"There is a McDonalds on the corner and the station is behind me..." He told me to sit down and take some breaths. I didn't have time for that, I had to get to a chemistry exam.
Two weeks off followed and a host of medication. Thankfully, I finally stopped these meds recently
Knowing now how we all need to give respect to our mental health, I am able to recognise that this is likely something I carried with me since my bullied days of school. That's a whole other story and likely a whole other book! Knowledge is power they say. I agree with 'them'. Now I can spot times of danger with my mental health. Now I am able to shape my life to fuel my soul and to love my whole self in respect of who I am and what I need to generate happiness and joy within my life.
Which, after all, is the entire point of being.
What is life if not joyful?
The actual politics accompanying the academic world have not impressed me. It's simply not what i am about. I'm about heart and love and being kind to each other. It seems the majority of academics are at university to carry out their research. An important job of course. Yet I would imagine the difference between being a teacher and being a researcher is a whole host of other skills. A handful of our academics really seem to care at my university and I adore them for that!
The Exam
So I have a seen exam tomorrow starting at 9:30am. We know there are 5 questions and we know we answer 3 of them. I have decided on my questions to be answered and done a little research into what I will write. Today I am going to write them blog post fashion and publish them over on my nutrition blog. Re-reading them I will hope to remember some of what I have written and let's hope it's right! I've taken the brave a bold step to answer a question from the most harsh marker in the department. Yet I love the question, the subject and the topic! See the next few blog posts to see what they are and how I have answered them. Of course if you are simply interested in my journal here and not much interested in nutrition then please skip past...
One last thing. Obviously this work needs to be done in Starbucks!
Wish me luck!
Tuesday 4 May 2021
Public Health nutrition exam!
Oh Goodness, I just survived the exam I was concerned about and it was wonderful!
Coronary Heart Disease came up in the questions and if I don't know this know that my mum has had her heart attack then what will i know?
So I mentioned a lot about diabetes, statins, 5 a day, move more, soluble fibre, hypertension etc and I'm sure I have made lots of good points. Smoking was one I was able to discuss in relation to public health and successful campaigns related to smoking. How exciting. I totally love this buzz after an exam when I think I have done really well. I guess this is what we do it for. Then along comes the 46% results which hurts ....haha not this time I'm sure.
My friends all left campus quickly, likely indicative of what the future might hold. We say we will keep in touch and let's hope we do. So here I sit pondering over the next piece of work i want to get done which will be designing a poster for my poster presentation.
Coronary Heart Disease came up in the questions and if I don't know this know that my mum has had her heart attack then what will i know?
So I mentioned a lot about diabetes, statins, 5 a day, move more, soluble fibre, hypertension etc and I'm sure I have made lots of good points. Smoking was one I was able to discuss in relation to public health and successful campaigns related to smoking. How exciting. I totally love this buzz after an exam when I think I have done really well. I guess this is what we do it for. Then along comes the 46% results which hurts ....haha not this time I'm sure.
My friends all left campus quickly, likely indicative of what the future might hold. We say we will keep in touch and let's hope we do. So here I sit pondering over the next piece of work i want to get done which will be designing a poster for my poster presentation.
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