University is OVER!

Today is a very strange feeling.  University is over.  Silly me didn't plan anything for the remainder of yesterday and after the presentation and the token glass of wine I felt a little like i was wandering in the dark. Lots planned for today but yesterday was odd.   So Jasmine and I ended up in Creams.  Never been before. I ate pistachio ice cream and the world seemed a better place.
'So what now?' keeps springing into my mind. I definitely need to get clear and laser focused on my forward plan. Today I've a meeting and I'm making some tentative plans forward - next week I have promised myself some down time and some dog walking/gym visit days.  After that, it's nose to the grindstone time.  Much to achieve.  Especially organising my desk and filing away those  bits of research all completed.

Could university have been any more stressful?  The jury is still out on this one but my health kind of only did it's usual thing rather than anything worse so that is a blessing.
Yet the challenges i faced were quite crazy.  From being in a class (my first chemistry class) and realising the guy was speaking another language - then leaving in tears and frustrated panic - to being verbally attacked by one woman older than me who felt she knew it all.  This was so disgustingly vile that I actually took a serious decline in my mental health and needing two weeks off following a life altering panic attack.
Finishing that year was quite an achievement.  Moving university was definitely the right thing to do.  Closer to home, a pretty building I could park close to, a chance to pop to the library without the 1h40mins journey each way and a hefty priced train ticket.  The support for the learning wasn't there like it had been in London but it was still the right decision. Settling into that university was quite seamless.  Mum and Dad were busy travelling the world and after an emotional time returning on the last plane back from Egypt we settled into a lovely Christmas.  Soon after, Dad was taken unwell.  4 days in hospital  showed us his decline to the level he was placed into a coma as his wind pipe began to close. His body wasn't receiving messages from the brain as there had been a stroke.  Massive damage to the brain stem which we didn't know at the time. This is the part which controls all the main body functions like temperature, heart rate, breathing, blood pressure. Without it, we cease to be.  An MRI showed us the extent of the damage which was caused by the stroke.  We just needed to wait for the news back from Kings Hospital that this was actually as much of 'a disaster'  as the consultant thought.

It was.
We made the decision as a family to switch off life support.  But this was the twins 16th birthday.  We couldn't let that happen.  So 24 hours after a very difficult birthday, we headed to hospital for a beautiful and heartbreaking transition in Dads life as we said goodbye.  We played him Queen, The Beatles and some other music  I knew he would love. I sang. Not that well.  I talked to him all the way through, "Just let yourself go Dad, I'll take care of things here." He kept himself alive for 3 hours.  We had prayers and the last rites which was the most hard thing of all.
So Final.
Peacefully he took his last breath.  As I cradled his head, Scott announced Dads eyelids had just relaxed. I knew his spirit had left his body.  An instant change was seen in the shell which remained and I didn't want to remember him as anything other than the tanned sun worshipper he was.  So I tucked him in, tickled his feet as he used to do with me as a child and told him to sleep tight.
Steve, my brother, died 18 years before this so it was over to me to organise mum, the twins, the funeral.  Scott was a great support then.  But times change, and his loyalties are elsewhere now. Another heartbreak.  Although at this time, he didn't know he was about to undergo a life threatening illness right after the funeral.  Myocarditis.  This was very frightening.  Many people die of this.  The NHS let him down and Scotts mum funded an excellent appointment to a private cardiologist who instantly told Scott, "You are a very unwell man and I need to prescribe a lot of drugs as a life insurance, here and now."  Without that visit, Scott was unlikely to have made it.  Still he is unwell, but I have been invited to stop taking him to those CMRI's and appointments.  My replacement is a bit useless (he has told me previously) but I can only deal with my own issues now which is rather painful but necessary.  Last year saw both in laws passing away too just two months after my own mum suffered a massive heart attack and had a week in intensive care. she had been in total heart block and the next stage is cardiac arrest.  Thankfully surgery and drugs helped her. During this time we were forced to acknowledge that something we had always put down to her being a bit daft was actually a worrying sign and she was later diagnosed with both vascular dementia and alzheimers.  She came to live with me, I needed to pack her house up and box everything.  Nick Naks everywhere. Quite literally.  I'm not even kidding.  Everywhere. Having mum with us has been a nightmare and still continues to be. She's always on my mind and even right now, here I sit in Starbucks writing as I simply can't stand being at home. T?his goes in stages though as I often find I need to be home every minute I'm not with clients.  UGH.  The house has changed, I never go into the living room anymore as the noises of the game shows she watches drive me crazy.

Among all of this of course I'm dealing with being a mum to twins, running a business, worrying about money and what I will do in my future career. AS well as dealing with the worst mental health I have ever experienced and Crohns disease.  Even now, here I am with a hot flush as my hormones try and sort themselves out over time.  So much has gone on.  Yet I have helped coach the other members in my little team when they have lacked confidence (and they helped me massively too, it's not a one way street) and I have also gone through a terrible time with my personal tutor and gave her the elbow in place of another, nicer lady.  Turns out now she is leaving. Someone suggested 'restructuring'. Perhaps it might have helped if she was nicer to us and we might have had a positive university experience and given more positive feedback on the survey we needed to complete.

Injustice.  My pet hate.  Be nice.  Be honest. Be kind.  Truthfulness


A few days later...

Just five days after university ended and I am beginning to sleep again. I have ovulated for the first time in 9 months and life feels strangely different.  The website is beginning to be built which is something that is definitely needed in order to take my online business to the next level. As well as taking my dreams up a gear too.

Yet today the heavens opened in my town and we had floods-a-plenty.  There was a massive sinkhole opening on the road leading to mums day centre, so she won't be going there now tomorrow.  God give me patience. I was hoping to get lots of work done.  Ahh actually as the rain literally came through the roof of my log cabin office, all over my computers, books, journals etc I realised there might be a definite need to get lots of work done in my house. I need fixes and decorating and flooring and all.  Then where would I put my office? I just didn't know.  Being able to work at the dining room table is kind of an option but then not really as once mum is up and about we have the sound of the news, gameshows and other daily chat shows to deal with. And deal with it I cannot do....then comes the guilt.  Knowing she won't live forever, knowing she will be having a really hard time with life yet trying to smile through. Knowing I should be loving and giving and hug her. As I can bet my little fingernail I will want to hug her the minute i'll see her taking her last breaths.
This is hard. University has taught me through the life course approach to health that mum has likely caused my crohns disease though feeding me at the age of 3 days old onwards.  The words following her mouth are simply not fair or particularly nice either.  I just don't like it.  Why treat me like that?  Anyway - this post should be about leaving university.  I can't help but think i no longer have an excuse to go out and leave the home as much as i would like to. Nor can I keep using the excuse i have to do this and that.  one thing I will promise myself is to keep writing.  Writing is the one thing that has always defined me. From being that lonely child, to journalling here and now as I go. It's all about me - like as in it's what flows through my arteries.  I know this.

So what is next? Is it the building of the online business?  This isn't totally at the top of my requests really but i do know it will be a good earner.  Ideally I would love to get the Youtube edits built more and more, I have so much to say! This and sharing my blog posts will be amazing. I'm excited for it all.  Yet getting those sign ups is a little frightening.  If they were to go ahead and sign up, I'm committed to providing a massive service to those who want it, which scares me. It's not really where I want to be.  Even down to the point I'm happy to answer emails but I really don't want to do 121 consultations.  Ohh a name of calling myself a nutritional consultant just popped into my mind, that is quite marvellous! Using Patreon and Fiverr gigs would be an ideal way for these people to buy these services from me.  Ideal. Just ideal.  This is the way forward and jotting all my brain dumps down onto Morning pages which is actually dusk time pages is really the best way to get clarity on what exactly it is I want to do.  Yes, this does make sense. Even as i write i'm rearranging the dining room to see if I might be able to juggle desks and american fridges with glass topped tables....

I know the second I begin my MA in creative writing I am going to be thinking along those lines. It's what I want and where want to be spending my time and energy to be honest.  It's what I love and what others love me for too! I'm excited for that.

As the daylight fades right now, I think it's definitely time to organise my dining room. If mum sleeps until 10 each morning as she does, and goes to bed at 9 each night as she does, we definitely can do some work in there each side of those times.  This is all to play for while I await my results of my Batchelors degree.  Did I pass?  Of course, I'm sure...let's hope for a 2:1.