Yesterday was such a crazy day. My mind has been in a fantastic place lately and I really am feeling so much better. Off I go into university proudly in my ambassador uniform. We were part of a focus group. Myself and two other ambassadors who I know are present as I realise they are also the two political ones who do some work for the students union. For what it's worth to others, the student union is amazing in that it has so many answers and can pull several strings if you need help, anyhow... We had a wonderful lady running the session and she was totally awesome in her outlook, professionalism and generally the way she conducted herself and her room. I was more than impressed. A lovely smile too :)
We were asked to answer this question for future university students, "What I wish I had known when I started university." and as the conversation began to flow, it was apparent that most of us had been really unhappy. Especially me. This lady in charge was keen to speak further to me at the end of the session and both of my peers stayed with me. They were kind of giving me, 'ahh; looks and rubbing the top of my shoulder to show me some support.
After this, they and their young but political heads said we need to goto the office of the Director of student finance. I was nervous.. I was always aiming to be that person who is easy to manage and not to go knocking on doors. Yet in this case of this university experience, that had done me no favours. So what was I to do?
We went in. there was a slight atmosphere as it felt we had entered his office Mob Handed. Yet he was open and we began to talk. When I suggested questioning one of my marks he seemed defensive in my eyes and started to raise his voice in a fashion of, "Ok then, let's have a look at what exactly we said here." And I exclaimed that this is exactly the reason I do not come with questions. Knowing that this might all lead to a place of conflict is exactly what I was afraid of every time. Yes I am a hippy and proud to admit this too. I'd rather be that person than the other type. Heartless and cold. Just like my course leader. I couldn't help but cry and pick up my bag while letting it be known this is exactly what I hadn't wanted.
"What did i do?" He questioned and threw up his arms.
The other two said, "Woah woah." and tried to calm everyone down.
A tissue appeared from over my shoulder and i dabbed my tears. This thing that happens happened, this out of body experience where I knew my mouth was moving and I just couldn't figure out what was going on. Was I drunk suddenly from my tears? I wasn't sure.
Three hours of drama and conversation and we were at a place where I had felt listened to and heard. I had said all there was to say about the injustice of universirt and the unfairness of certain member of the cohort getting specialist treatment. I also highlighted the fact that certain things should matter. Turning up at all, but also onetime, not leaving 5 minutes after the register is taken, being a positive team player, getting involved in all university has to offer (the socials such as the ball, the choir, the general meet ups and being there for the accessibility ambassadors). None of this counts for anything. Nor does following the spec. Like how long you must speak for at a presentation. i know this as one of our students on our course spoke for 25 minutes and was still going as she was asked to stop. We were supposed to speak for 5 minutes. In the work place this would be unacceptable. Yet her mark was incredibly good while mine was less so. Grr. Makes me so mad.
Leaving that room I felt embarrassed and strange.
Yet in the car I realised I had reached the pinnacle of the stress. It had reached its peak. No more. I had been heard, left the stress in the office and was going to start to let life flow now in the direction I needed it to flow. This was a groundbreaking moment. I could feel it was very different.
Arriving home, I was shocked to see my result had been published for my dissertation. IT was disappointing. Lots of work for 43%. Disappointing.
I began to work out all the other marks based around this. I was confident my PDP would be a good mark but I could only base this calculation on it being average. "I was likely to be celebrating a 2:2. Either 51% or 57% depending on the results which were still to follow. I was ok with that. Not the end of the world. I didn't want a 3rd. Although even to pass is a massive achievement given the circumstances through which i have completed this course. We all had our struggles but you couldn't make it up. Not really. So, on to a new life and time to get cracking with what I really love, writing. This is something I felt when I went to sleep and what I awoke. Strangely enough, the universe delivered me clarity of this by sending me a wonderful PDP results of 90% which I knew would be totally up my street. Writing. Its me. I just need to do more of it. Already it brings an income which is more than wonderful and I just need to do more of it so that income is enough to be living on. I'm excited for the future and I feel better! Hurrah.
Time to plan the graduation party!
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