Today, I feel better physically than I did this past week. Pain, kidney infections, lumber pain, hip pain, more pain, leukocytes in my urine, blood, protein, ketones, so the dr sent me for an X-ray thinking kidney stones. Shock waved its way over me as I was informed there is an intestinal blockage. For someone with crohns, this is terrible news. I began to write a will.
Realising that life sometimes teters on the edge of scary and fragile, I wrote a blog post over on my main website. How life has taken over from me and has a life of its own now. For the past 3 years at university I have felt the face of adversity telling me to come away from it all. Really strongly and oh my gosh even writing it here, knowing you won't read it for 3 years, is just a massive sigh coming out of my body and onto the digital paper. Oh gosh, I sigh literally. Journalling is more than a therapy. But in words I cannot explain.
Calmly, I feel like quitting. Yet for the past ONE MONTH is the first time in university I haven't wanted to quit. IT was more than a nice feeling. I have loved the workload, the actual work, the understanding of what is going on in the classroom. Answering all the questions when others seemed not to be able to.
Epiphany hit me as i realised i was finally doing what I had wanted to do all these years. I was becoming a nutritionist.
Just as I was about to fist bump the air, is when the health issue struck.
Knocked me off my feet. In and out of hospital.
Couldn't even manage to text without messing it up so it wasn't a chance to get caught up on uni work.
This morning I feel a little better. Quite a lot better in fact. So i get up early to start some work. 5AM early.
Flipping the screen up on my laptop as i sit here drinking my coffee, listening to the dog snore and sending occasional chats to a uni friend who is visiting India, I feel a need to write. Not nutrition stuff. Not uni stuff. This stuff. Stories. I want to write stories. I could do that all day, and would do that all day, and should do that all day. I know this in my bones.
Lack of exercise and eating right has not helped my health. I want it back. I want me back.
Uni has knocked the stuffing out of me and I really wanted to end my stories on here with a positive twist of knowing I had a Phd and how it was all worth it in the end. A PHD in science. Wow makes me sound uber smart.
Without meaning to sound judgemental, many of the academics might have a flash title and all but not enough time or money to really live life in a way i really want to live life. I want to travel and see things. I can't due to all of this uni work. Nothing else is holding me back. Truly it isn't.
Part of me really loves uni but i think if i strip it back, i could gladly take my laptop into the coffee shop at uni, park the car and sit with my coffee and write for some time. It's what I love. It feels easy. And it's what I want. Taking photos, creating videos.
Let's be honest here.
Before I started university I was in debt. I also was nursing a broken heart and feeling as though I finally had to deal with the fact I wouldn't have any more children. So I wanted something massive to deal with to take the pain away. And to pay to keep me afloat. So here we are. University final year. plus with a massive unconditional offer for a masters degree. All online. Food safety and quality management. Do I want it? I'm not sure yet.
So the debt is pretty much gone. The idea was this would buy me writing time to get things off the ground and making more money but I hadn't factored in aging parents, taking care of all that comes along with that. Lacking in time to write, that then puts out my fire for life. Yet it doesn't really as its still there burning away in the embers.
I need to research Arginine now and upload it on some portal kind of website thing but to be honest, I feel like I'm frustrated and can't be bothered with it. Oh, another hot flush. Is this menopause? Dr says no.
Year 3 summary. I love it. And I don't. I have clarity on my future. That's quite priceless.
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