Mental health issues ignited as I begin my First day as an MA student.

Unable to believe I haven't updated this blog, 
it has been 3 days since I met the new class. 
Starting on a positive note, everyone seems just lovely. 
We totally are a mixed bunch of people from the 
usual colourful clothing you would expect to see 
in the art department, to a couple of muscle 
bound young guys who would be expected to be 
seen over on my last course or something similar to 
the strength and fitness MSc that some of my last 
science cohort have signed up to. Then of course 
there are the typical writer types. Slightly shy, maybe 
having some internal struggles, yet rather unlike me
 I suspect. Not being too tough on myself but no-one 
can possibly be as crazy as me with their thinking .
 I'm just Mrs Over thinker. And I 'do my own head in'. 

Perhaps because I have been feeling very much in pain of 
late, perhaps I simply am unsure if I am good enough for 
all of this. I thought I was over all this. I thought the anxiety
 had gone away. On the way to class I was so ready to 
start the class. Then a few things happened, I had to walk
 quite a long way across the beautiful walled city; I'm not 
so good at walking. I'm not sure what the triggers were 
really as everyone was so lovely and this is always my 
first request. Just like when I joined choir. Everyone was 
so sweet and lovely and I was determined to give that
 a good crack of the whip. That was all swimming along 
beautifully until yesterday. In fact, it had seemed to be 
the answer I was looking for. It was seeming to distort 
my mental health head and sorting my issues out through 
music. Yesterday, it seems I was singing soprano rather 
than alto. I do that a lot. Perhaps I should be a sop, 
i don't know. But the lady next to me began singing her 
notes very loudly to help me get back on track. 

She was singing into my 70% deaf ear. The lady the
 other side was new and had been introduced to me
 as a Trinity music school student who was learning 
Harp. Wow. She was also singing the same notes 
as me and I was sure she would know the correct pitch. 
Anyhow, the neighbour announced she was moving 
to the back of the room. Was I so bad?

This had me gutted and upset to say the very least. 
 This was a pretty massive step considering the 
severity of the crime.

Aiming to bite the tears back, I used the techniques 
I know which have been somewhat effective in the past. 
Breathing, distraction, looking up into the corner of the 
room...nope. None were working. The black cloud came
 rolling in overhead and it was roaring on this day. 
My eyes began to sting. I blinked over and over and yup, 
I could feel they were filling up. I left the room with all 
my things in my arms. Something inside me was 
screaming, "Leave! Leave!" which seemed ridiculous to
 the actual girl who I actually am. Of course I wouldn't 
leave. This was choir and I loved it. Yes I got it wrong 
but I also remember my first concert which was heavily 
loaded with Mozart who I have come to love with a 
passion. The concert goes down in history as a rocking 
chair moment for more reasons than I can list here. 

Of course I wasn't going to leave.

Yet my mind was becoming dangerous. I could sense it. 
SO i reached out and text my friend which only brought 
my emotions to the forefront. I cried. i left. Driving home 
I was a mess of emotions. Crying like crazy and feeling 
very dark.

Why oh why? Suddenly out of nowhere? Or was it? Saturday 
I had walked more than i likely should walk, and at speed 
too. I was exhausted and frustrated. The work didn't seem 
to make sense to me and the genius lecturers mentioned, 

"Of course you won't write in cliche, none of you would 
do that and fail...hahahaha." 

What? What did that mean? Writing in cliche? Have I 
bitten off more than I can chew? Is this something which
 just simply fuells my anxieties? Honesty I cannot believe 
the person I have become. I seem unable to deal with 
anything. Any level of nastiness, anything negative on 
the TV, just any level of work. So what do I do with my 
life from here?

Right now, the only thing I can think is to make a way 
forward to do little or nothing but putting my health as 
number one day by day.

Feeling little and lost

Today I work at university as a student ambassador. Watching the new students making friends, getting lost, looking at maps and wondering what they might have set themselves up for.

Hoping to be helpful, I smile. And help them.

During lunch I read about writing. My course starts in a couple of days and I am/was so excited. This feels so right. I'm excited. I said that already. Yet I am also seeing how I have so much to learn.

Imposter syndrome is lurking a little - yet I want to do this so the only way is to DO THIS. I'm nervous. Worried I don't know enough. I need to learn! And FAST.

Something crazy is going on with me. I am considering the PHD. Yup. I said it out loud.

Potentially, I think I may have found a supervisor. She seems awesome and signs off posts with things like, "With love" etc. She shares her teachings on Patreon so I have signed up to be a supporter of her and hope that I can go ahead and learn from her and possibly have her as a supervisor on my phd...

Much as I love and adore my science academics, I just literally sweated profusely. All these potential new students, and I asked if I could just address them about the student ambassador scheme. JIKES. Being the first person to speak to them in class was a massive responsibility. The academics said yes but let everyone arrive first.

So here I was in a room full of 200 new students, plus 15 academics in science and I was saying, "Good morning and welcome, come be an ambassador and earn some money..." among other things.

Yes, I love public speaking but this was so off the cuff. It showed. My confidence is beginning to wobble ever so slightly.

I'm a registered Masters Student!

Creative writing called my name didn't it.  Big time.  Honestly, I am so thankful I finally listened.


Never before in my life have I ever felt so complete, content and happy.

On a professional level, I feel I have struggled so much over the years to work hard, prove myself and  do the uphill bit.  Uh-uh.  No more. I'm flowing downstream in the direction I am meant to be carried and I will make a success of my writing! without doubt there is a definite need for this now - given my last diagnosis which I've written in the blog post you can read last time.  Running around an NHS hospital as a dietitian which is what the dream started out as, is so far from where I am now.

Yesterday saw me writing and I was sure I saved it here for you guys but it disappeared. Yes I lost almost 2 hours worth of work that I had undertaken at university and I was sure it was likely I would be writing to you from there for the last time as next time it will be from my new university account.

I'm excited.  And ready!  So here begins the diary of a creative writing student.  That's a mouthful for the video intro from here..erm, ok what about diary of a writer?

Love always,

Louise xoxo

Do I take the Creative Writing MA?

Having thoughts of wonder. What should I do next year?  Do I need to actually take the writing degree? No, not at all. Yet if I don't I might never know how far I can go with my writing.  
Saturday evening saw me attend a showcase of readings from this years current MA writers.  One of them blew me away with her story of post modern day apolocalptic world.  Gave me thoughts but also gave me the image of life as they ended with 'she lives in Broadstairs and writes there.'  I love Broadstairs, I studied there when I was 16.  Lost my virginity there.  Too much information perhaps.  Yet within my head comes this stuff I feel compelled to write. Sitting next to the authors 20 year old son, I tried to ask questions which would point me towards how stressful this degree might be. 

Currently not sleeping, suffering quite dramatic amounts of palpitations (if I didn't know better, I would be heading to A and E at least 3 times by now) and feeling strange feelings within my body which I convince myself something is really wrong with me. Yet.  I know all of this is stress related. 
To take on another degree might see me as crazy.  
Wanting this stress to be void from me. 

Last night I researched many people who have made a success of things despite being qualified to do so.  They are consistent.  They are definite about what they say and where they are going.  This is what I need to do.  I'm passionate about chronic disease and health through nutrition. I want to write about that for sure. DO I want to be known for writing romance too? How can those two things cross over?  Or do I set one up as a total pen name? Seems rather sad to do that when I'm very much set up with a good platform online.  
Sensing a need to get away from it all and off to my friends in Bosnia Herzegovina as they would have some answers. This is my one downfall, it's the inconsistencies.  Hearing the author write on her blog (I wasn't stalking, it was research!) "I've loved it and I've hated it." Is exactly how I would describe my current BSc degree.  I'm concerned I would have chosen the wrong thing, be overly stressed and regret it.  

This morning sees me drive my daughter to college and head to starbucks to sit and write this kind of stuff. This is the sort of thing I could do all day long, happily.  Yet I also see myself on book tours and I also see myself giving talks on nutrition and making videos of such.  

What do I want to be known as?  I just don't know.  I know I would like to earn some money. Currently I'm helping the twins with their businesses too.  This takes time but do I want to be known for this? Is this something we will do together over the years or do I simply help them get started on what they want to do?  Do I use a pen name, oh I don't know, here I go again round and round in circles.

You see then we are also at a place of being able to invest in property and get a pretty good income flowing from that.  If only we could make it all enough.  Then would the nutrition degree be a waste of time? Not really, would it? It's something I can always go back over and pick up and do something with. Although this said, the blog seems to really be gaining some momentum about the things I love and enjoy talking about and if this is simply a way to go for the future then why not? 
Today, my gut feeling sees me wanting to write under the pen name, not as a secret you understand but just so my readers know under which hat they are looking at me and what they can expect to get.

My one other fear is that my writing will change. While I'm sure it will change for the better, I am the person who can't really be overly bothered with edits and taking ages to do everything. I kind of like to get the job done...then again, it will be worth making those edits.  Oh I dunno.  I need to get off to Canterbury now to get this stuff done.  This writing course which I'm loving but a massive part of me would happily sit here and keep on writing for a couple more hours.  Definitely something I could do over and over.

So what would you do? What's it to be?

Waking up too early on Mothers Day

Mothers Day is here once again.

With my mother still here to grace us with her presence, yet my mother in law about to have her final curtains drawn on life, I can't help but wonder what is it all about.  Then I remember, I know now.

Wisdom.

Age.

Time.  

They have all taught me exactly what I should be doing with this thing called life.  I should be chasing memories and creating JOY.  And I know what that means for me and where it takes me.

To the woods, the trees, the nature. 

As a family, we are beginning to rethink things.  We want to be in the woods and grow organic vegetables, breathe good air and the like. 

What wakes me so early? Is it excitement? Stress?  Thinking?  Physical health?  I'm really not sure.  

Exams and deadlines loom all around, I feel flutters within my heart.  They frighten me.  Apparently, that coupled with the memory loss I keep experiencing and the lack of sleep all come up with anxiety, depression and stress (when you use Google).  

My old friend from London Met used to say "I like the Google very much." In her strong adorable indian accent.  I miss her.

So mothers day brings me to a place of once again being at my desk,  writing (I can't get enough of it)   and wanting to do more and more and more all of the time. There's so much there's too much.

Project proposal looms.  I'm going to love that yet I'm unclear where to start.  Watch this space, I will give you more detail and information as I can.

Meanwhile, back to looking for sellotape to wrap mums gift. That eludes me.