Steinbeck had his blocks too!

1999 saw me keep a detailed journal of my time trying to get pregnant, becoming pregnant and single all at the same time.

Feeling more than sure this would make a compelling story, I decided to use it for the majority of my postgrad writings on this incredible Creative Writing course.  Still, I am loving it. Despite some health challenges making me think I should stop and purely focus on what is going on in my life in relation to health.  No.  Definitely not going to stop.

But yet today, I am overly questioning my writing which I tend to do a reasonable amount and yet if I am completely transparent, what I really want to do is journal, and share my thinkings throughout life with my readers.  What's stopping me?  Overthinking! Just like Steinbeck did.

Who is Steinbeck?

Certain details within this course are becoming apparent to me.  

1. I love to journal

2. Many other successful writers did this too!

Steinbeck was one of them and there is an incredible piece you can read here which has just motivated me to think it's totally ok to write as if its a journal. I just need to tweak certain parts to make it more creative as opposed to "I did this/went here/said that"

I got this; Right?

Feeling little and lost

Today I work at university as a student ambassador. Watching the new students making friends, getting lost, looking at maps and wondering what they might have set themselves up for.

Hoping to be helpful, I smile. And help them.

During lunch I read about writing. My course starts in a couple of days and I am/was so excited. This feels so right. I'm excited. I said that already. Yet I am also seeing how I have so much to learn.

Imposter syndrome is lurking a little - yet I want to do this so the only way is to DO THIS. I'm nervous. Worried I don't know enough. I need to learn! And FAST.

Something crazy is going on with me. I am considering the PHD. Yup. I said it out loud.

Potentially, I think I may have found a supervisor. She seems awesome and signs off posts with things like, "With love" etc. She shares her teachings on Patreon so I have signed up to be a supporter of her and hope that I can go ahead and learn from her and possibly have her as a supervisor on my phd...

Much as I love and adore my science academics, I just literally sweated profusely. All these potential new students, and I asked if I could just address them about the student ambassador scheme. JIKES. Being the first person to speak to them in class was a massive responsibility. The academics said yes but let everyone arrive first.

So here I was in a room full of 200 new students, plus 15 academics in science and I was saying, "Good morning and welcome, come be an ambassador and earn some money..." among other things.

Yes, I love public speaking but this was so off the cuff. It showed. My confidence is beginning to wobble ever so slightly.

I've been asked back into Science

Last night was one of my last shifts working as a student ambassador.
Unable to help but feel a little sad, I was looking around the beautiful building that surrounded me.  It was going to be a shame to leave this university.

The programme leader of the masters course I was applying to previously had asked if I accepted my offer.  I said I had heard nothing from the university to this point. Which left me feeling a little flat.  This had been no shock to me as much of the way things were done at the university often left me feeling this way.  Although,  let's be honest, I do expect a lot.  I give a lot.  I expect a lot.
The lady I was speaking to is awesome. As is her department, from what I know of them.  Interesting work too.  Within my gut a little flicker of 'hmm could I do both?' was stirring.
Following this conversation we began to discuss the opportunity of research and the fact there could be a Phd funded available.  "IT's worth asking." She suggested.  Yes.  It was.

Mentally doing sums does work for me but on this occasion I felt I needed to get pen to paper and jot down a few things to help me figure it all out.

On the back burner for now, I continued with my work.

Sitting as a receptionist/meeter; greeter person, I enjoyed the company of a lovely lady I'd had the pleasure of speaking to previously at a leavers dinner.  Although the prosecco reception we always seem to have at these events had left me with brain fog and I was unsure where our conversations had gone.  As she parted company with me I said,
"It's been lovely chatting with you these times."
"Yes, you too, see you at the next ball.  Christmas?" And I stumbled over my words wondering if and when I would be able to come to the next event.
"Possibly someones plus one at the summer ball next year."  That made me a little sad.

Why?

Because I was walking away from things I was familiar with, things I had grown to love.  The socials at the university were done so well - with bells on.  The other stuff feels a little distant now.  The nightmares I have endured with chemistry.  Trying to understand the compositions of methyl groups became easy in the end. Other things less so.  Really, my love and passion is what makes people tick. As in, why can't they eat healthily or love themselves more, enough to lose weight or be more healthy.  I'm heart led. I love talking all things love and health and simply happiness.  How can I combine that with science?  I guess everything is science really.  But right now I sit and type and I've a new pain in my ribs which I am sure is related to my new diagnosis of AS which is really no fun.  I, myself need to remember to love my body too.  It houses the spirit in me which loves to walk along the shore line, whatever the weather, to walk the dog, to be within the trees....

I'm flattered and tempted to take on a science Phd but I think really, if someone asked me to write a romance novel instead for my phd, that is likely to win hands down. It's taken me all these years to realise who I am and what I need to be doing and now is the time to step into that reality and just DO IT.

I'm a registered Masters Student!

Creative writing called my name didn't it.  Big time.  Honestly, I am so thankful I finally listened.


Never before in my life have I ever felt so complete, content and happy.

On a professional level, I feel I have struggled so much over the years to work hard, prove myself and  do the uphill bit.  Uh-uh.  No more. I'm flowing downstream in the direction I am meant to be carried and I will make a success of my writing! without doubt there is a definite need for this now - given my last diagnosis which I've written in the blog post you can read last time.  Running around an NHS hospital as a dietitian which is what the dream started out as, is so far from where I am now.

Yesterday saw me writing and I was sure I saved it here for you guys but it disappeared. Yes I lost almost 2 hours worth of work that I had undertaken at university and I was sure it was likely I would be writing to you from there for the last time as next time it will be from my new university account.

I'm excited.  And ready!  So here begins the diary of a creative writing student.  That's a mouthful for the video intro from here..erm, ok what about diary of a writer?

Love always,

Louise xoxo

Do I take the Creative Writing MA?

Having thoughts of wonder. What should I do next year?  Do I need to actually take the writing degree? No, not at all. Yet if I don't I might never know how far I can go with my writing.  
Saturday evening saw me attend a showcase of readings from this years current MA writers.  One of them blew me away with her story of post modern day apolocalptic world.  Gave me thoughts but also gave me the image of life as they ended with 'she lives in Broadstairs and writes there.'  I love Broadstairs, I studied there when I was 16.  Lost my virginity there.  Too much information perhaps.  Yet within my head comes this stuff I feel compelled to write. Sitting next to the authors 20 year old son, I tried to ask questions which would point me towards how stressful this degree might be. 

Currently not sleeping, suffering quite dramatic amounts of palpitations (if I didn't know better, I would be heading to A and E at least 3 times by now) and feeling strange feelings within my body which I convince myself something is really wrong with me. Yet.  I know all of this is stress related. 
To take on another degree might see me as crazy.  
Wanting this stress to be void from me. 

Last night I researched many people who have made a success of things despite being qualified to do so.  They are consistent.  They are definite about what they say and where they are going.  This is what I need to do.  I'm passionate about chronic disease and health through nutrition. I want to write about that for sure. DO I want to be known for writing romance too? How can those two things cross over?  Or do I set one up as a total pen name? Seems rather sad to do that when I'm very much set up with a good platform online.  
Sensing a need to get away from it all and off to my friends in Bosnia Herzegovina as they would have some answers. This is my one downfall, it's the inconsistencies.  Hearing the author write on her blog (I wasn't stalking, it was research!) "I've loved it and I've hated it." Is exactly how I would describe my current BSc degree.  I'm concerned I would have chosen the wrong thing, be overly stressed and regret it.  

This morning sees me drive my daughter to college and head to starbucks to sit and write this kind of stuff. This is the sort of thing I could do all day long, happily.  Yet I also see myself on book tours and I also see myself giving talks on nutrition and making videos of such.  

What do I want to be known as?  I just don't know.  I know I would like to earn some money. Currently I'm helping the twins with their businesses too.  This takes time but do I want to be known for this? Is this something we will do together over the years or do I simply help them get started on what they want to do?  Do I use a pen name, oh I don't know, here I go again round and round in circles.

You see then we are also at a place of being able to invest in property and get a pretty good income flowing from that.  If only we could make it all enough.  Then would the nutrition degree be a waste of time? Not really, would it? It's something I can always go back over and pick up and do something with. Although this said, the blog seems to really be gaining some momentum about the things I love and enjoy talking about and if this is simply a way to go for the future then why not? 
Today, my gut feeling sees me wanting to write under the pen name, not as a secret you understand but just so my readers know under which hat they are looking at me and what they can expect to get.

My one other fear is that my writing will change. While I'm sure it will change for the better, I am the person who can't really be overly bothered with edits and taking ages to do everything. I kind of like to get the job done...then again, it will be worth making those edits.  Oh I dunno.  I need to get off to Canterbury now to get this stuff done.  This writing course which I'm loving but a massive part of me would happily sit here and keep on writing for a couple more hours.  Definitely something I could do over and over.

So what would you do? What's it to be?

I've been offered an MA!

Yes, this is totally crazy but I have been offered an MA.


Not an MSc - nope.  Well, one of those too.  But also an MA.


Dropping my daughter off to college I noticed an email pop up on my phone, it was one I had been waiting for.
"Hang on, just read this with me."~ I requested.  And in my head I read silently - We are delighted to offer you an unconditional offer on our MA Creative Writing - Creative Non fiction. 


Squealing from deep within my gut I felt thise was 100% the news I had been waiting for.  News that filled my soul with deep and meaningful.....