Unable to help but feel a little sad, I was looking around the beautiful building that surrounded me. It was going to be a shame to leave this university.
The programme leader of the masters course I was applying to previously had asked if I accepted my offer. I said I had heard nothing from the university to this point. Which left me feeling a little flat. This had been no shock to me as much of the way things were done at the university often left me feeling this way. Although, let's be honest, I do expect a lot. I give a lot. I expect a lot.
The lady I was speaking to is awesome. As is her department, from what I know of them. Interesting work too. Within my gut a little flicker of 'hmm could I do both?' was stirring.
Following this conversation we began to discuss the opportunity of research and the fact there could be a Phd funded available. "IT's worth asking." She suggested. Yes. It was.
Mentally doing sums does work for me but on this occasion I felt I needed to get pen to paper and jot down a few things to help me figure it all out.
On the back burner for now, I continued with my work.
Sitting as a receptionist/meeter; greeter person, I enjoyed the company of a lovely lady I'd had the pleasure of speaking to previously at a leavers dinner. Although the prosecco reception we always seem to have at these events had left me with brain fog and I was unsure where our conversations had gone. As she parted company with me I said,
"It's been lovely chatting with you these times."
"Yes, you too, see you at the next ball. Christmas?" And I stumbled over my words wondering if and when I would be able to come to the next event.
"Possibly someones plus one at the summer ball next year." That made me a little sad.
Why?
Because I was walking away from things I was familiar with, things I had grown to love. The socials at the university were done so well - with bells on. The other stuff feels a little distant now. The nightmares I have endured with chemistry. Trying to understand the compositions of methyl groups became easy in the end. Other things less so. Really, my love and passion is what makes people tick. As in, why can't they eat healthily or love themselves more, enough to lose weight or be more healthy. I'm heart led. I love talking all things love and health and simply happiness. How can I combine that with science? I guess everything is science really. But right now I sit and type and I've a new pain in my ribs which I am sure is related to my new diagnosis of AS which is really no fun. I, myself need to remember to love my body too. It houses the spirit in me which loves to walk along the shore line, whatever the weather, to walk the dog, to be within the trees....
I'm flattered and tempted to take on a science Phd but I think really, if someone asked me to write a romance novel instead for my phd, that is likely to win hands down. It's taken me all these years to realise who I am and what I need to be doing and now is the time to step into that reality and just DO IT.
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