I've been asked back into Science

Last night was one of my last shifts working as a student ambassador.
Unable to help but feel a little sad, I was looking around the beautiful building that surrounded me.  It was going to be a shame to leave this university.

The programme leader of the masters course I was applying to previously had asked if I accepted my offer.  I said I had heard nothing from the university to this point. Which left me feeling a little flat.  This had been no shock to me as much of the way things were done at the university often left me feeling this way.  Although,  let's be honest, I do expect a lot.  I give a lot.  I expect a lot.
The lady I was speaking to is awesome. As is her department, from what I know of them.  Interesting work too.  Within my gut a little flicker of 'hmm could I do both?' was stirring.
Following this conversation we began to discuss the opportunity of research and the fact there could be a Phd funded available.  "IT's worth asking." She suggested.  Yes.  It was.

Mentally doing sums does work for me but on this occasion I felt I needed to get pen to paper and jot down a few things to help me figure it all out.

On the back burner for now, I continued with my work.

Sitting as a receptionist/meeter; greeter person, I enjoyed the company of a lovely lady I'd had the pleasure of speaking to previously at a leavers dinner.  Although the prosecco reception we always seem to have at these events had left me with brain fog and I was unsure where our conversations had gone.  As she parted company with me I said,
"It's been lovely chatting with you these times."
"Yes, you too, see you at the next ball.  Christmas?" And I stumbled over my words wondering if and when I would be able to come to the next event.
"Possibly someones plus one at the summer ball next year."  That made me a little sad.

Why?

Because I was walking away from things I was familiar with, things I had grown to love.  The socials at the university were done so well - with bells on.  The other stuff feels a little distant now.  The nightmares I have endured with chemistry.  Trying to understand the compositions of methyl groups became easy in the end. Other things less so.  Really, my love and passion is what makes people tick. As in, why can't they eat healthily or love themselves more, enough to lose weight or be more healthy.  I'm heart led. I love talking all things love and health and simply happiness.  How can I combine that with science?  I guess everything is science really.  But right now I sit and type and I've a new pain in my ribs which I am sure is related to my new diagnosis of AS which is really no fun.  I, myself need to remember to love my body too.  It houses the spirit in me which loves to walk along the shore line, whatever the weather, to walk the dog, to be within the trees....

I'm flattered and tempted to take on a science Phd but I think really, if someone asked me to write a romance novel instead for my phd, that is likely to win hands down. It's taken me all these years to realise who I am and what I need to be doing and now is the time to step into that reality and just DO IT.

From Phd fantasy to wanting to quit!

Sounding like a total nutcase, feeling like one too, I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on the past few days.

Spending a good couple of days really researching deeply the courses I might want to undertake next year onwards, I felt excited.  The course material sounded interesting but then I realised the excitement comes from actually doing those bits of research and filling forms as opposed to the actual work.  Procrastinating on my deadlines which were looming for the uni work I need to do here and now, I stumbled over my own thoughts.

Knowing that there will be one day soon when Mum has had her time on this earth, the twins are flying the nest and my life seems more empty, I felt excited to be pursuing a career path once again.
It didn't occur to me that I might well get that same feeling from doing the thing which is my dream.

So off i have trotted into the world of application forms and personal statements.
Imperial College London, one of the top universities in the world. Clinical Research Phd for me, Diabetes and Obesity.  Ideal
Kings College London, Dietetics PgDip.
London Met, Dietetics Msc
Plus I have been already enrolled on a course at my own uni.  A masters which is worth a few grand to me too.

This morning I left with a spring in my step. Feeling smart these days, loving my work.

Meeting Jasmine for lunch, more springing, despite the bad back.

Walking around uni to the tune of 'hi louise' and smiles and nods (my ambassador role introduces me to many people I otherwise wouldn't have met) I was feeling fantastic.

The afternoon lecture was about obesity.  Great. I love this subject.
"Hey friends." I smiled at the Six Packs.
Have I told you about the six packs?  There are six of us and we are tight.  Close, helpful, loving and tight.  A great group.

Understanding the subject, asking sensible questions, answering many questions, our lecturer made me frown inside as she kept referring to 'people of colour' which I was unsure was racist or not.
Then, forgetting he was one of our fellow classmates in year one, she referred to someone as morbidly obese and kind of sneered about the fact he didn't agree with doing pharmacology so left the uni.  He was my friend  He's now at Kings.  Ha!  Well I was inwardly 'letting this go' as I was giving her a pinch of salt.
At the end of the lecture she kept me back.
"How do you think your presentation went the other day?"
"Yeah ok."
She frowned and proceeded to tell me that I had insufficient evidence backing up my review and therefore would be very disappointed with my disastrous mark.  I was struggling to hear this.  Already I had dragged myself in with three slipped discs, a menopause going on and lots of pain all over. Some of which was caused by the massive amount of painkillers I had taken to get me through this.  Not only did I: think I had done ok. I thought I had done WELL.

My peers had also congratulated me too.

I revised the subject for an entire day.  To create a disaster.
The angle she was speaking to me had a feeling of 'you might as well give up now'. She asked if I was prepared to let anyone look at my next piece of work as it was so important to get a good mark and turn it around.
Devastated.

Erase Erase Erase. It would be wrong of me to critique her here.  Unprofessional.  Yet I feel a sense of something so different between her and me.  Honestly.
Instantly I felt my mental health slip back into a place I hate, a place of uncertainty about myself, my worth, my worry that I must be a really awful person in order to attract such ugliness in my life...
Refusing to believe this is me and my mental health, i let tears flow instead.  Silent crying.
Then come the thoughts of being alone and dealing with life.  Being not good at dealing with life when the mental health dips.

Something I do know is I want to forget about becoming a Dr.  Doing that Phd seems something so unimportant.

Could I retire next year?  Simply continuing to write and make films for my living.  Travelling.  Maybe forgetting the entire food thing. Taking care of my mother who has dementia.  Possibly fostering babies too.  Making life more simple....

I just feel :I want to quit. To run.  To make life simple and get to work on my back issue and definitely on my mental health.  Going swimming, walking the dog, all these things....

Life feels like it needs to be lived yet I feel broken hearted for the person who has been attacked from the inside out.  Yes, I'm sensitive, this is something I know.  But its who I am.

Right away, I am back to that person who feels like a sad person. Alone. Sensitive.

Revision - Main characteristic of Viruses.

NB this is my own revision and I cannot promise accuracy - do research.

Question:
a)  Discuss in depth the main characteristics of viruses

Viruses are not classed as living things as they cannot replicate without a host.  They do not have a metabolism.
Viruses spread using cells.
They have a protein coat called a capsid.
Viruses are very small, much smaller than bacteria.
They are difficult to treat.

b) Give a detailed account of the main events involved in a typical virus life cycle

A virus enters the body and locates a host cell.  As it fuses, it uses the protein coat to enter the cell.  Here,  it enters either a lytic cycle or a lysogenic cycle .  Nucleic acid will be used to reform DNA/RNA and change the genetic material of the cell.
The lytic cycle then sees the cell erupt making copies of the other cells.  Leaving holes in the cell membrane gives ease to apoptosis of the cell as it cannot survive without the membrane.
The lysogenic cycle uses DNA to hide in cells until immune comprimisation occurs.

c)  List factors contributing to viral pathogenicity and to the nature and severity of viral diseases.

Pathogenicity refers to the ability of an organism to cause disease (i.e. harm the host).  This ability represents a genetic component of the pathogen and the damage done to the host is a property of the host-pathogen reactions.

Natural killer cells are lymphocytes, they recognise this virus and kill.
The severity of viral diseases is dictated by the immune response. In several immune deficiency diseases including AIDS NK cell function is abnormal.
NK cells binds to cell and releases toxins which produces holes int he target cells membrane creating apoptosis.
NK cells may also contribute to immunoregulation by recreating high levels of influential lymphokines.