Phd open day

Returning from an open day at my choice of uni here in Kent, I can't help but feel very floaty.

Grey buildings which looked a little ugly and industrial were ignored as I walked into the conference suite which had grass on the walls as artwork.  It was beautiful.  The place felt nice. The coffee smelt welcoming.  The English literature stand saw me gaining a helpful email address for the postgraduate administration team.  That'll be useful.  I also have a name of a potential supervisor who already has my email sitting in his inbox.  He teaches life writing, biography and memoir - perfect!

Following this skippy trip to the heart of Kent, I returned to my local town to pop in and say Hi to my fellow ambassadors.  This is the first day I have missed working an open day and it's sad but times move on.

During a conversation with one of the people who work in the recruitment department, I was invited to do some public speaking as an Alumni for the STEM (science, technology, engineering and maths) recruitment days.  With bells on! I'm there.

This is a good day in relation to all these things. I'm always great at being an ambassador or being a good person to talk to yet....the actual work eludes me right now. Which is tricky.  I need to crack on and start churning some more work out. Sooner rather than later.

Is my personal life getting in the way?  Should I possibly simply quit any other sort of life and become a workaholic once again?

I'm not going to Imperial

A day at Imperial was so interesting.

After driving over 2 hours 3/4 of the way around the M25 I arrived exhausted and hot. This weather was crazy.

The campus/hospital I was at was the same one I went to for my IVF to get pregnant around 19 years before. Wow, so much of it felt familiar.  I remembered.

Recently I have written a couple of chapters of my IVF book and tried to describe the hospital.  There I was, looking at the certain slope and old fashioned radiators and realising I was excited to take photos for my research. For the creative writing, not for science.

Heading in to the interview, I quickly realised that me and the role were not a good fit for each other.  While I didn't waste the dietitians time explaining about my commitments at home, I did explain that I couldn't drive into the hospital every day 9-5. They were understanding and explained the hours would be long and I would be expected to be on call.  Ok, this was not going to work. Although I was sitting there knowing this, I was also excited to be speaking to people about the science behind obesity and diabetes.  However, who's saying I can't do research in this field and create my own publications?  No-one is saying that are they? Not really.  To do one piece of research in the form of a lit review in my blog would be incredible. Lots of areas to look at and none of it boring.

So, it was decided between us that this was not a good fit and I would proceed to study for creative writing.

I was excited.

From Phd fantasy to wanting to quit!

Sounding like a total nutcase, feeling like one too, I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on the past few days.

Spending a good couple of days really researching deeply the courses I might want to undertake next year onwards, I felt excited.  The course material sounded interesting but then I realised the excitement comes from actually doing those bits of research and filling forms as opposed to the actual work.  Procrastinating on my deadlines which were looming for the uni work I need to do here and now, I stumbled over my own thoughts.

Knowing that there will be one day soon when Mum has had her time on this earth, the twins are flying the nest and my life seems more empty, I felt excited to be pursuing a career path once again.
It didn't occur to me that I might well get that same feeling from doing the thing which is my dream.

So off i have trotted into the world of application forms and personal statements.
Imperial College London, one of the top universities in the world. Clinical Research Phd for me, Diabetes and Obesity.  Ideal
Kings College London, Dietetics PgDip.
London Met, Dietetics Msc
Plus I have been already enrolled on a course at my own uni.  A masters which is worth a few grand to me too.

This morning I left with a spring in my step. Feeling smart these days, loving my work.

Meeting Jasmine for lunch, more springing, despite the bad back.

Walking around uni to the tune of 'hi louise' and smiles and nods (my ambassador role introduces me to many people I otherwise wouldn't have met) I was feeling fantastic.

The afternoon lecture was about obesity.  Great. I love this subject.
"Hey friends." I smiled at the Six Packs.
Have I told you about the six packs?  There are six of us and we are tight.  Close, helpful, loving and tight.  A great group.

Understanding the subject, asking sensible questions, answering many questions, our lecturer made me frown inside as she kept referring to 'people of colour' which I was unsure was racist or not.
Then, forgetting he was one of our fellow classmates in year one, she referred to someone as morbidly obese and kind of sneered about the fact he didn't agree with doing pharmacology so left the uni.  He was my friend  He's now at Kings.  Ha!  Well I was inwardly 'letting this go' as I was giving her a pinch of salt.
At the end of the lecture she kept me back.
"How do you think your presentation went the other day?"
"Yeah ok."
She frowned and proceeded to tell me that I had insufficient evidence backing up my review and therefore would be very disappointed with my disastrous mark.  I was struggling to hear this.  Already I had dragged myself in with three slipped discs, a menopause going on and lots of pain all over. Some of which was caused by the massive amount of painkillers I had taken to get me through this.  Not only did I: think I had done ok. I thought I had done WELL.

My peers had also congratulated me too.

I revised the subject for an entire day.  To create a disaster.
The angle she was speaking to me had a feeling of 'you might as well give up now'. She asked if I was prepared to let anyone look at my next piece of work as it was so important to get a good mark and turn it around.
Devastated.

Erase Erase Erase. It would be wrong of me to critique her here.  Unprofessional.  Yet I feel a sense of something so different between her and me.  Honestly.
Instantly I felt my mental health slip back into a place I hate, a place of uncertainty about myself, my worth, my worry that I must be a really awful person in order to attract such ugliness in my life...
Refusing to believe this is me and my mental health, i let tears flow instead.  Silent crying.
Then come the thoughts of being alone and dealing with life.  Being not good at dealing with life when the mental health dips.

Something I do know is I want to forget about becoming a Dr.  Doing that Phd seems something so unimportant.

Could I retire next year?  Simply continuing to write and make films for my living.  Travelling.  Maybe forgetting the entire food thing. Taking care of my mother who has dementia.  Possibly fostering babies too.  Making life more simple....

I just feel :I want to quit. To run.  To make life simple and get to work on my back issue and definitely on my mental health.  Going swimming, walking the dog, all these things....

Life feels like it needs to be lived yet I feel broken hearted for the person who has been attacked from the inside out.  Yes, I'm sensitive, this is something I know.  But its who I am.

Right away, I am back to that person who feels like a sad person. Alone. Sensitive.

Day 1, year 2, kisses and hugs

Everyone seemed pleased to see each other today.  The first day back.

There was no anxiety inside me (thank you, 8 week blood sugar diet) and not a sign of a palpitation.  Although I used a few breathing exercises.

Still, I was fine.


So as a new day dawns, I shook out my hair, wore my crazy flower print trousers (dressed it up a bit with a black jacket though) and popped on my high heels.
Up early with the twins in tow, I took them to college.  So proud of them.

Proceeding to work myself for an hour before uni, I decided to head into Asda to buy flowers for my client who is poorly just now and also for Dad to pop on the grave.  I'd have a strong word with Dad about bringing me luck!


Sun shining, I was feeling ready.

To drink coffee or not drink coffee?  I headed to the university starbucks.  Everyone was in there.  Yet I felt ok. Two of my favourite people who aren't the closest two buddies walked in right behind me with beaming smiles and hugs and kisses, that was lovely!  I felt at home.

Jill was waiting outside the lecture theatre when I rocked up.  Looking stylish in her own crazy was as she always does.   Definitely a personality in there!  Bless her.  Happy to see her. Deafness was terrible for me today (feeling all blocked somewhere) and we agreed to sit at the front (we always do).  As the lecturers arrived, I realised this was a treat to get them all in the same room at the same time - what I loved about those guys is they are really funny together!  Watching them filled me with absolute smiles inside and outside.  Brilliant.  These guys are geniuses.

I've loved my summer but I feel ready to be back.  Not much has changed.  Although realising that all of us now know what lies ahead and we still chose to come back is amazing.

Warnings were given that this year is going to be massively harder.  Yet I'm sure that the subjects are going to be super interesting and that will kind of make things easier.

Erasamus was spoken about lots which is  a European exchange programme where you spend the summer or a year studying abroad.  As nutrition students we goto Spain.  The idea makes my eyes light up but in reality, the food, crohns etc won't make things easy.  Besides, I'm away on holiday with Mum and the twins next summer.  Exciting to hear about though.  Then comes the work placement ideas.

Again, interesting we were told to consider what Masters or PhD programmes we may be interested in.  Well, there's a thought.  I'm guessing the time is likely to fly by.....