Two days ago, my mother in law died. My father in law is on pallitative care. Mum still resides with us, needing full time care after her heart attack and macro degeneration in her eyes. They have found issues within the brain which suggests vascular dementia.
Personal problems all around I continue to attempt to be all things to all people, while my children begin a life long relationship yoyo in life as they reach 'that age'.
So where does this leave me and my study. That's a yoyo too. I have asked some tutors for help. Two have been helpful, several others not only unhelpful but downright rude. Not wishing to quit, yet having to on bad days (the tears flow and the anxiety kicks in) one is left wondering if this degree is worth it all. If I could turn back time I would not have begun. Which leaves me sad.
Physical health has struggled. Mental health has been more awful than it ever was. I'm half learning some subjects. Hardly learning others. As the class segregates itself from those who feel they are better than others, I can't help but wonder why not everyone realises how short life is and that the experience of life is meant to be JOY.
While I continue to try and pass this year, still I feel I would like to gain my degree. I'm not sure about going the whole way to my PhD anymore. Not without the support I expected. Perhaps I expected too much.
Certain days it seems impossible that I can even attend let alone do well. Personal life has got in the way. Yet I have come so far. To quit now would be a crime. So I shall continue to struggle and continue to try.
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