How university has had
an impact on my mental health
“These
will help” the doctor prescribed me anti depressants.
Who
ever wants to hold out their hand and accept they have to take those? My inner
soul sighed. Where had the ‘old me’ gone?
Those
days of black cloud moments were becoming increasingly worrying. Trying to describe the feeling was
crazy. It’s an empty void rather than
total despair, although those moments had been flitting in and out too. Feeling thankful for my inner support
network, I knew I wasn’t in overly terrible danger. Yet this wasn’t something I
could take for granted.
If
the pills helped and saw me finish my degree then when not give them a shot?
How
had I reached this point? So blue. Not
in control of crazy emotions. I was
always the strong one. I had dealt with massive life challenges like
single parenthood and breezed through it. So why was I struggling so much with
the science I was hoping to learn? Why had it tipped me over the edge?
I
reached out but the help I asked for mostly fell into a vortex of
nothingness. Until the University got
involved and put me forward for counselling.
Oh Goodness. Did this bring up
some crazy stuff? Oh yes.
Not
realizing those thoughts I had always had were not normal but in fact was
anxiety. Really? People don’t see all these worrying things
turn into disaster? Then we ended up
knowing I was ruminating, which was a word I had to Google. A posh word for
over-thinking.
Yes
that is me. We ended up bringing up a
lot of my childhood stuff and how I had been parented. Which is something I still struggle with but
I know I can’t change what happened.
Only how I now try and tackle it.
They were wrong, my parents. They should have told me they loved me and
are proud of me, and encouraged my dreams.
Things
could have been worse.
University
might not have caused my mental health issues but brought them to the
surface. Which was a painful experience
but now I know this was totally necessary to move forward.
Excited
to finish my undergrad, I was super ready to step into a less stressful
situation with my MA which was a total life long dream of becoming a full time
writer.
Yet
that very first day, familiar feelings came up.
Shocked to the core I had to acknowledge the university had been nothing
less than perfect and these feelings were totally mine to own. So now it was about ‘learning to dance in the
rain’, knowing there were going to be good times and bad times.
Riding
this wave of life. Rollercoaster riding
with white knuckles. When I’m up, I’m
up. I need to soak those images creating
the good memories into a photographic brain to store away and hopefully use as
my rocking chair memories.
Knowing
that without those down times, life would be flat and unrecognizable in the up
times. After a few years of down
moments, I write with joy in saying today is an up day. I smile needlessly with a thought and a
stomach flip and these are thoughts I will cherish.
