Oh NO! This temptation has come to my inbox!

Just as I was beginning to love my day, this happened.  You guys will understand this.

You see there I was on a beach, filming (being filmed) and having my photos taken - admitting I'm chubby at last - and an email pinged through.  Imperial College London had encouraged me to send 2 references in to them for an incredible course researching diabetes and obesity.  OMG Totally my subject which I love. A generous stipend comes with it.  It's mostly distance research,  just wonderful.  Yet at what cost of stress, anxiety and depression will come with this?  Let alone trying to deal with a mother who has dementia.  I was like, totally acting like a hippy on the beach, loving my day.  This was me. Barefoot in the sand and feeling carefree.  About to go home and edit a video and write a blog post with photos of me on the beach, talking about stepping into my reality of being a creative person who wants to write books.

Seriously?  Was this a test?  What was I supposed to do? I was NO WAY going to quit on my MA in Creative Writing and it's totally fuelled me with complete joy.  It feels right and fills me to the brim with excitement - yes I did have that when starting my BSc but quickly realised it wasn't a great place to be.
If I feel the same with the MA I'll probably just quit.  I don't want or need the stress and my body is really struggling now.  I have done pretty much nothing but sleep the past couple of weeks and my digestive system is terrible. I'm not digesting foods well at all.

Anyway back to that day at the beach. It was perfect in so many ways.  There wasn't much I was hesitant about. All felt perfect.  Then what was this pretty much a job offer all about? Why oh why?  Is it the old demons of having to work hard for a living? Was it me trying to be clever?  Really and truly the total dream is definitely going on some book tour with my work.  Totally. Loving that. And the idea of time to get to the gym and get myself my body back again.  As well as trying to help myself be fit and well with a decent amount of cooking.

I've worked out what I absolutely must have to enable me to live life and pay the bills and to be honest, I'm a very resourceful person who would quite easily be able to pick up online writing gigs here and there.  I'm sure I would be able to make this work but at the moment, here I go again, complaining...I do feel that stepping into that 'on purpose' life is something that is hard to do with mother in the house and while the house is such a mess.  Maybe i need to start getting to sleep earlier and making sure i eat more healthily so I can have the energy to live that life.  Walking the dog early and stuff.

Right now I wake early and spend ages scrolling on my phone. What for? I'm not sure.  Nothing really. Habit. I should get up and going straight away. Perhaps writing my 1000 words each day before heading out to the gym like literally the minute mum wakes up.  I could then get out and take some social media photos and stuff. this is definitely the life I would love for myself but I feel so drained of energy and I' feel unsure how to get it back.

My mindset is negative.  Perhaps I just need some time to be able to get my head back into my life and have a recharge and reset after the last 4 gruelling years.

I think I'll book myself a cinema ticket to go and see something funny.

Sunday sees me heading to the coast by myself (perhaps with my dog) to go look at caravans on a caravan park and perhaps think about buying one or something. I'm quite keen to have somewhere to escape to that i call a second home.  I know that doesn't mean I need to buy somewhere and can instead simply rent somewhere out.  Oh I sigh right now.  Where am I going and what am I doing?

Well, as I admitted previously, I am facing my reality that I'm chubby.  So I guess for today I need to do something about this and get to work on my health. My own obesity/diabetes story will not feature in my life!!!

A day in bed with Crohns

Crohns disease.  Not my very best friend sometimes.  Yet today I decide to embrace the pain which is off the scale.  Coming in droves of 11/10.  I would rather give birth again.  Well, I wouldn't, that's not true.  Suffice to say the pain is bad.

Feeling very disabled, I realise that my life plan ahead needs to consider days like this.  You see there is an issue with my colon not quite working properly and there is undigested food causing issues.  So of course, I am struggling with pain and inflammation.  Ok.  So I chose to embrace this for what it is and realise just how differently I feel today.

Life could be more tricky in the future.  Yet days like today see me floating between bed and the bathroom.  They also see me doing some thinking time.  I fight this illness.  Like, all the time.  Why? Because I want to be an achiever and to me that means going at 100 miles per hour.  Yet it's time to stop that, to slow down, to embrace who I actually am.  On a day I sense I can go 100 MPH I can do that at the gym or on a dog walk; actually those are never 100 MPH.
You see I have this dream of being a proper author. Like, who writes stories and lots of them.  I have a list of names.  These are people I want to write about in a romantic setting.  All such stories take twists and turns.It's been my dream since I was a little girl.  It's remained as a dream rather than believing life can actually be the dream itself.

Today, I decide that all else must wait as I begin to rewrite the stories within me onto paper and onto a book.  So much drama has driven me to this path of excitement and joy.  The path of being a true writer with all I have to offer to the world of books.  More has happened than I can begin to tell you here and it has all brought me to this place of knowing I will live the life I want to live, on my terms, doing things my way and embracing it all.

I currently live with No Regrets.  Yet should I leave this earth plane without getting those books out there, I know with all of my heart there will be a massive regret from the other side.

Meet the new author.  Me.  The one with the crohns pain today.  Bringing me to a place of clarity and joy. Peace within me.  Loving the life I lead from hereon.

My final degree results!

After the last meeting which was more than difficult to handle, I was so sure i was still pretty upset.

My son and i had been somewhere which escapes me now.  As we pulled up outside the house I said.
"ohhh." and he asked what?  I was looking at my phone.  A group chat told me that our final results of our final public health exam was in. I knew this was make or break.

Looking at the phone frantically the minute we were inside the house, I was trying to log in. There it was.

"YESSSSSS!!!!" I said quietly and punched the air at the same time.
"yeah?" My son asked?  "Yes son, public health exam was 59%. That means a good overall mark and I passed my degree!" 
"Yes mum." He fist bumped  me. 

Quickly I reached for the scientific calculator and began to punch in some numbers. 
Turned out well.  A really strong 2:2 at 57%.  I wouldn't imagine they will add in adjustments to the tune of 3% to make it a 2:1 but given the journey I have had the miracle of 'just finishing and not quitting' then 'not getting a 3rd' was achieved.  I was happy and totally proud of myself. 

A long load of group chats followed as we discussed our results.  Everyone was on a 2:1 and one lovely friend on 69% which I hoped they would increase for her.  Of course, a Facebook status followed.  100 likes and many comments.  I was proud and chuffed.  
Then my body began to ache. I could hardly breathe out.  A fever followed and a heart pumping so heavily at 120 beats per minute.  Did I have the flu? I thought so and was tempted to try and get myself to the hospital but didn't have the energy. Instead I took paracetamol and waited.  

24 Hours later I was almost right as rain so I can only imagine this was a release of all the negative energies coming out. I'd also had an indian head massage earlier in the day so perhaps that didn't help. 

Feeling very happy and relaxed now, I have done it!

Onto the next chapter which I will tell you more about in the next blog post. Suffice to say there is a slight swerve in direction.