You see there I was on a beach, filming (being filmed) and having my photos taken - admitting I'm chubby at last - and an email pinged through. Imperial College London had encouraged me to send 2 references in to them for an incredible course researching diabetes and obesity. OMG Totally my subject which I love. A generous stipend comes with it. It's mostly distance research, just wonderful. Yet at what cost of stress, anxiety and depression will come with this? Let alone trying to deal with a mother who has dementia. I was like, totally acting like a hippy on the beach, loving my day. This was me. Barefoot in the sand and feeling carefree. About to go home and edit a video and write a blog post with photos of me on the beach, talking about stepping into my reality of being a creative person who wants to write books.
Seriously? Was this a test? What was I supposed to do? I was NO WAY going to quit on my MA in Creative Writing and it's totally fuelled me with complete joy. It feels right and fills me to the brim with excitement - yes I did have that when starting my BSc but quickly realised it wasn't a great place to be.
If I feel the same with the MA I'll probably just quit. I don't want or need the stress and my body is really struggling now. I have done pretty much nothing but sleep the past couple of weeks and my digestive system is terrible. I'm not digesting foods well at all.
Anyway back to that day at the beach. It was perfect in so many ways. There wasn't much I was hesitant about. All felt perfect. Then what was this pretty much a job offer all about? Why oh why? Is it the old demons of having to work hard for a living? Was it me trying to be clever? Really and truly the total dream is definitely going on some book tour with my work. Totally. Loving that. And the idea of time to get to the gym and get myself my body back again. As well as trying to help myself be fit and well with a decent amount of cooking.
I've worked out what I absolutely must have to enable me to live life and pay the bills and to be honest, I'm a very resourceful person who would quite easily be able to pick up online writing gigs here and there. I'm sure I would be able to make this work but at the moment, here I go again, complaining...I do feel that stepping into that 'on purpose' life is something that is hard to do with mother in the house and while the house is such a mess. Maybe i need to start getting to sleep earlier and making sure i eat more healthily so I can have the energy to live that life. Walking the dog early and stuff.
Right now I wake early and spend ages scrolling on my phone. What for? I'm not sure. Nothing really. Habit. I should get up and going straight away. Perhaps writing my 1000 words each day before heading out to the gym like literally the minute mum wakes up. I could then get out and take some social media photos and stuff. this is definitely the life I would love for myself but I feel so drained of energy and I' feel unsure how to get it back.
My mindset is negative. Perhaps I just need some time to be able to get my head back into my life and have a recharge and reset after the last 4 gruelling years.
I think I'll book myself a cinema ticket to go and see something funny.
Sunday sees me heading to the coast by myself (perhaps with my dog) to go look at caravans on a caravan park and perhaps think about buying one or something. I'm quite keen to have somewhere to escape to that i call a second home. I know that doesn't mean I need to buy somewhere and can instead simply rent somewhere out. Oh I sigh right now. Where am I going and what am I doing?
Well, as I admitted previously, I am facing my reality that I'm chubby. So I guess for today I need to do something about this and get to work on my health. My own obesity/diabetes story will not feature in my life!!!
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