PhD meeting has happened

Fresh out of a meeting with my academics who were there to advise me on exactly what might be on offer to me in the way of a phd.  I was excited to go there and speak with them and it's always been the dream to get a doctorate and be known as the leading expert on my subject.

However, I just needed to cry it seems! Idiot! Yes, I sat there and cried.

MY IVF story will be the subject I speak about in my phd and the book couldn't be published until after this time which will take 3-5 years.
Do I have that kind of time? I don't know.  Will I live that long? I don't know. If not, then I am going to die with the book still in me.


No way José.

This book needs writing and it's a good thing that they think it is so commercial that it is definitely worth getting it written and getting myself an agent at this point in time.

At the end of the day, this might be the end of my academic career.  But I just got a post graduate masters degree with a brilliant percentage and I need to be proud of that. With all that has gone on too.  But I can't help but be a little upset that I am leaving it here.  However, I do suspect they are right and that it's exactly the right thing to do for my career.

That said, the actual art of writing has been so difficult of late to get down onto paper as things are going on in life with Mum and the kids and house stuff too.  I can do this I'm sure.  But I need to get away and the academics suggested that is what all writers do too. I'm going to be doing that from now...

So, for now, no phd, but very much a lot of writing and searching for agents too.

I got this.  Time to dry my tears.]

I passed my MA!!!

Yesterday, shockingly, I saw a facebook post from one of my fellow students wishing,
     "Those who are getting results today good luck!"
     "Are we?" I asked with an open mouth and he said yes.
Instantly I looked and after trying to get online for Half an hour, I saw it, there was my mark for my dissertation.  Some quick mental maths and I think I have finished with a merit, close to distinction (I was hoping for distinction) and I am a very happy writer!!!

I'm a writer!


Oh gosh.

So it's time to begin thinking about the future and where I would like to be with all of this and to be honest, I really think I will be more open to accepting a publishing deal if one was offered.  This is something I wasn't sure about before.  My life seems to be moving in a direction I hadn't expected before as my children grow into adults and I settle into accepting support for managing a demanding mother. This might well be my time around about now.

The experts who know all about writing seem to have validated my skill of writing by giving me some amazing marks. So why not go for it!

Writing where I do it best

Can't sleep, so coffee, morning pages and a comfy purple sofa

Who am I?

Who even am I?

Yesterday saw an inspiring day at the Excel center for the summer in the city event.  Brilliant.

I arrived there feeling like I looked good, was confident and totally ready to embrace the learning that the event was about to bring me.  Yet I heard more about creating a niche than ever (They are right of course, but it left me feeling confused) and I also left feeling old.

Knowing I’m a sensitive soul is one thing, but Jasmine and I went to a stand to talk to someone about their merch and instantly they assumed I was her manager. Not that I might be a creator in my own right. Well I am.  And a monetized one too. People want to see my videos every week and also I have loads of people wanting to read my stories I write.  As well as very popular Facebook groups for those travelling to the hotels I travel to.

“Oh no she has her own channel too,” Jasmine said.

“Oh God, my dad has a channel and it’s so embarassing.” Said the other lady.  Was I embarrassing then? Jesus. What an awful thing to say. I thought I was a cool person.

Mum and Dad always critisied me and it has taken so much work to get myself to the place of not feeling like that anymore but one small comment and I’m right back there again.

Leaving feeling kinda ok, looking forward to chatting to someone I met on a dating app later in the evening with excitement, I was then met with a morning of waking up today feeling blue and grumpy.  After a conversation with the guy and feeling it didn’t go well, again, I just was swept into a downward spiral of feeling unwanted, good for nothing, unloved and useless.

Of course this isn’t an actual fact, it’s just how I’m feeling right now.  The sooner the feeling passes the better.

People seem to think I’m perfect, strong and indestructible. I’m not.  I’m trying hard to be all things to all people but it’s a struggle.

Now I have posed the question of

1.     am I a travel vlogger

2.     am I a writer

and I am yet to find the answer. The online poll I did saw people suggest I’m a writer which was sweet.  Settling into writing stories is something I would completely love of course but the belief that this is going to be enough on its own is a totally difficult belief in its own right.

If this is what people want, is this now who I am?  The academics at university seem to think so, so perhaps I should think so too.

Imposter syndrome at it’s worst, this is a really hard one to fathom after my confidence took a knock yesterday.

Dating tales.

Part of me thought I could use my experience of dating online to draw upon for stories.

Yet today, after being cancelled on by a gorgoeus guy (they all seem so flaky) all I can feel is sadness and let down.  Crappy feeling.

You see what doesn't help is the fact that I have to go into hospital tomorrow to have a proceedure done and I'm feeling vunerable and lonesome. Some of these guys are really great people. The way I see it, if they wanted to reach out to me, they would, they certainly wouldn't be forgetting that we organised to meet or even that I have text them and they owe me one back.  It's frustrating, time consuming and definitely not the greatest way forward when we are discusssing the ego and self beleif which I so often do now on this blog.

Perhaps there is the new book right there. A load of 'how to's' possibly and I know this will need lots of updates and editions and of course should I end up meeting 'that guy' I will have to draw the research to a close haha, I just made myself grin and laugh a little in the middle of the coffee shop as I write....what even is this? I'm not so sure I can figure it out at all.  What even is this blog post? What even am I posting? I know, let's go and grab a hot chocolate right before a nap and then that long awaited emergency surgery thing tomorrow.

Steinbeck had his blocks too!

1999 saw me keep a detailed journal of my time trying to get pregnant, becoming pregnant and single all at the same time.

Feeling more than sure this would make a compelling story, I decided to use it for the majority of my postgrad writings on this incredible Creative Writing course.  Still, I am loving it. Despite some health challenges making me think I should stop and purely focus on what is going on in my life in relation to health.  No.  Definitely not going to stop.

But yet today, I am overly questioning my writing which I tend to do a reasonable amount and yet if I am completely transparent, what I really want to do is journal, and share my thinkings throughout life with my readers.  What's stopping me?  Overthinking! Just like Steinbeck did.

Who is Steinbeck?

Certain details within this course are becoming apparent to me.  

1. I love to journal

2. Many other successful writers did this too!

Steinbeck was one of them and there is an incredible piece you can read here which has just motivated me to think it's totally ok to write as if its a journal. I just need to tweak certain parts to make it more creative as opposed to "I did this/went here/said that"

I got this; Right?

Happy new year

Oh Gosh, is it really the new year?

I can't quite believe we have just celebrated another Christmas and another new year is here.

The MA has been seriously taking up some blogging time and it's all good as it is something I'm seriously enjoying but I have just spent the past few days submitting one 10,000 words of research.  Much as I have loved it, it's now time to apply for the phd and I feel a little blogging time is needed first!


So much has been happening in my personal life and it's not something i want to share online right now.  Maybe ever. But suffice to say I have lots of juggling going on between me, my thoughts, my career and my personal life.

Anyway, its literally the most tiny update - Happy new year x