Thursday, 7 January 2021

Report on obesity and physical activity


 Writing this report was actually reasonably enjoyable.  Although I found the complete situation of being in university and getting poor marks very unmotivating.  While writing this I was actually having a conversation with a friend on messenger about throwing in the towel. Of course this would be daft at this late stage but every single thing about that conversation had me motivated and excited for life. 

You can see the full article with pictures over on my nutrition blog here

I honestly feel this entire time at university has contributed to some quite serious mental health issues.  To quit feels like exactly what I want to do. I know I will regret this. There is an exam in 3 days time. I might wing it...
 Obesity and Physical activity

A report to show how increasing physical activity may give health benefits in relation to lower obesity rates.

Louise Usher 000850856



Contents
1.0 Introduction……………………………………………..2

1.1 Obesity…………………………………………..2
1.2 Physical Activity and obesity…………..2
1.3 Chronic disease………………………………2
1.4 Prevalence of obesity……………………...3

2.0 Method…………………………………………………….4

2.1 Search strategy………………………………4

3.0 Results……………………………………………………..5

3.1 Physical Activity and obesity…………..5

4.0  Physical activity guidelines………………………7

4.1 Government initiatives………………….7
4.2 Local initiatives……………………………..8
4.3 Results of interventions…………………9

5.0 Summary…………………………………………………11

6.0 References………………………………………………12














1.0 Introduction


1.1 Obesity

Obesity is defined by body mass index. This does not highlight the prevalence of morbidity and mortality associated with those who are overweight nor carry excess abdominal fat. (Kopelman, 2000).

63% of adults in 2015 were classed as being overweight (a BMI of over 25) or obese (a BMI of over 30). (https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/adult-obesity-applying-all-our-health/adult-obesity-applying-all-our-health, 2017)
According to Public health England (PHE), obesity related ill health cost the NHS £6.1 billion in 2014-2015. (Mary, 2014)

A myriad of reasons driving obesity rates higher, the majority of people know that eating a healthy diet and being physically active will help prevent weight gain but the act of beginning these steps is not always easy. (Haslam and James, 2005) 

1.2 Physical Activity and obesity

The obesity epidemic is impacted by genetics as well as energy imbalance through high energy foods and as lives are currently more sedentary, the physical activity has decreased, (Kopelman, 2000).  Hence, less energy used through physical activity. Individuals increasing physical activity may see an energy deficit (van Baak, 1999) and begin to facilitate weight loss.

While the UK government has used various approaches for the treatment of a healthier lifestyle (https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/541233/Physical_activity_infographic.PDF), the obesity epidemic continues to rise (Rutter et al., 2017).  Chronic disease caused by an association of inflammation (diabetes type 2, cardiovascular disease, cancer) (Shacter and Weitzman, 2002) give threat to health such that improved understanding of immunological processes to regulate obesity may assist with lowering obesity-associated disorders. (Kanneganti and Dixit, 2012)

1.3 Chronic disease.

 An ageing population is an unpreventable cause of chronic disease (Ons.gov.uk, 2015). 
The ageing population is predicted to continue to grow as the figure 1 demonstrates below,

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Fig 1 – Ageing population in developed countries.

As the cornerstones of obesity treatment, (diet, exercise and physical activity) the government aims to promote theses methods as a forefront to medical and bariatric treatment, (González-Muniesa et al., 2017).

1.4 Prevalence of obesity

In 2002, 23% of men and 25% of women were reported to be obese, (Rennie and Jebb, 2005). Some evidence shows that higher rates of obesity are reported in those of a lower socio-economic status.  Figure 2 shows a predicted figure for the future which is much debated. However,  as previously discussed physical activity is beneficial to health, (Miles, 2007).


Fig 2 - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-15108966 predicted trend for obesity.



Obesity demonstrates a risk factor for chronic ‘lifestyle’ diseases.  Weight loss is associated with improvement of symptoms, (Poulain et al., 2006). Etiology of a multifactorial nature includes genetics, metabolism, lifestyle and environment.  The health risks of obesity carried around the abdomen area show strong association with comorbidities such as type 2 diabetes, dyslipidemia, coronary heart disease and hypertension, (Poulain et al, 2006).

2.0 Method

2.1 Search strategy

Peer reviewed paper of systematic review were found by searching Google Scholar, NHS Uk, The Lancet, Pubmed, DoH, PHE, Nutrition journal.com.

Many government websites were targeted to find past statistical evidence in relation to actions taken for a positive direction into better health using physical exercise.  During these searches, the NHS website of a critical review was enlightening reading.  The Daily mail article questioning the 1980s fat guidelines on saturated fat published in 1983 in the UK.  When the researchers used available evidence at the time the results of randomized control trials supported the recommendations made.  Observational studies would have been a positive way to confirm or deny any findings.  The NHS website points out the reporting gives a potentially dangerous report.  The NHS website still states that a diet high in saturated fat could lead to obesity while also advising that current guidelines are that a small amount of saturated fat should be incorporated as part of a balanced Mediterranean style diet, (www.NHS.UK, 2015).

Gov.uk hosts a blog named Public Health Matters.  In March 2017, Kevin Fenton wrote an interesting article in relation to obesity and the food environment. He quotes PHE estimated in 2014 that there are over 50,000 fast food and takeaway outlets in England and how this may impact health.
The Foresight paper gave great information on tackling obesities and predicting by 2050, 50% of women, 60% of men and 25% of children would be obese.  Within this paper the author highlights the issues once again with chronic disease.  Particularly type 2 diabetes, stoke and coronary heart disease as well as cancer and arthritis.

Likening tackling obesity with tackling climate change, the Foresight paper feels a whole society change is needed with commitment. (McPherson, Marsh and Brown, 2007).

3.0 Results

3.1 Physical activity and obesity

A sedentary lifestyle, physical inactivity and over consuming energy balance are a fact of human behavior currently.  The World Health Organisation (WHO) identifies inactivity as the fourth leading risk factor for global mortality.  Globally, causing 3.2 million deaths, (World Health Organization, 2014).  While previously demonstrated the issues with obesity can be multi factorial, regular moderate intensity activity has significant benefits for health (World Health Organization, 2014). The WHO also boldly state physical activity can reduce the risk of cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, colon and breast cancer and depression.
As well as helping to control weight.


The BMJ reported a research based finding in figure 3.


REF: BMJ 2009;338:b688
Figure 3 BMJ cohort study on the results of physical activity and mortality.

A population based cohort study was carried out on 2205 men aged 50 in the years 1970-1973.  At ages 60, 70, 77 and 82 years old they were reexamined to see total mortality.  The objective of this study was to examine how a change in physical activity influences mortality in comparison with smoking cessation.

They concluded increased physical activity in middle age is followed by a reduction in mortality to the same level as seen in men with high physical activity of a more constant level.  Results show a comparable result with smoking cessation.

(Kadoglou et al., 2007) carried out an interventional study to the anti-inflammatory effects of exercise training in patients with type 2 diabetes mellitus (DM).

Stating that chronic inflammation along with DM is strongly associated with increased cardiovascular health compromises,  Kadoglou et al hoped the study would evaluate aerobic training may have an effect on inflammatory markers on patients with DM.

Encouraging results were found as the exercise treated patients showed improved glucose control, lipid profile and Vo2 peak as well as decreased insulin resistance and systolic blood pressure.

The 60 subjects did not undertake significant weight loss yet purely with physical activity saw improvements in metabolic profile.

4.0 Physical Activity guidelines

4.1 Government initiatives

Previously detailed here, the government website hold many claims to the benefits of activity within this info graphic below set as figure 4,5 and 6.



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https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/541233/Physical_activity_infographic.PDF

Figure 4 – The government state a health benefit of multi factorial nature by aiming for more physical activity.  Better sleep, healthy weight, stress management and all together improvement in quality of life is documented.  Claiming type 2 diabetes may be lowered by 40%, cardiovascular disease lowered by 35% and falls, dementia and depression by 30%.  Back pain may be alleviated as well as pain in joints by 25% and the risk of colon and breast cancer may be reduced by 20%.

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Figure 5 – To achieve the aims stated above, the guidelines suggest 4 main ways in which to change for the health benefits to be achieved.  Being more active helps heart and mind and ways to be more active suggest running, walking, playing sport, cycling.  Sitting down is heavily documented at the present time.  Less TV and sofa sitting is suggested.  Coupled with building strength by going to the gym, doing weight bearing exercise such as yoga will help keep muscles bones and joints strong.  Reducing a chance of falls can be achieved by improving balance. Undertaking dancing or tai chi are great suggestions for this.

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Figure 6 -  While the government initiative suggests starting somewhere is better than not starting at all, 2 days per week is recommended for the strength training and movement.  While sitting down for long periods, it is suggested taking breaks to move around. 75 minutes of high impact exercise of vigorous intensity is recommended where the participant gets out of breath.  Less vigorous is considered moderate intensity and this should be at least 150 minutes per week.

4.2 Local initiatives

2014 saw Medway council “supporting healthy weight” team (SHW) host an Obesity Summit.  This was well attended by voluntary, private and public sector partners.  Aiming to develop a framework for obesity,  the SHW team was working with children and adults to help achieve a healthy weight.
The national child measurement programme saw 23.3% of 4-5 year olds and 32.7% of 10-11 year olds in Medway either overweight or obese.

The aim was to support obesity prevention in the Medway local plan.

A meeting was held in February 2013 by Nick Bundle the Speciality registrar for Public Health NHS Medway.  Entitled “The scope for tackling obesity in Medway through the built environment”.

Recognising that adult obesity levels in Medway are estimated to be 30 percent (worse than the national average),  the meeting discussed the more recent research showing the matter of obesity not being simple  matter of poor decisions of food and lack of physical activity. Available food and affordability are issues that face Medway residents.  This public health matter saw the local professionals deciding to work closely with teams in the council to reshape the local environment.

National planning policies now highlight the promotion of healthy communities.
Medway has a joint health and wellbeing strategy to run from 2012 to 2017.  This tackles obesity as a priority and works with councils to plan to achieve this.

Links to transport and green spaces are promoted for physical activity. Even though the health outcomes do not currently reflect this.  This new policy also restricted the opening of hot food takeaways.  Allotments were funded more than previously with revenue channeled from planning contributions.  However, these plans can only be influenced when there is an application for change of use or new build.  They cannot be revoked as a public health matter.

During this meeting, public health realized a lack of evidence cannot be a reason for inaction.  Yet shaping the environment into less obesogenic is a step in the right direction.
The Department of Health and NICE guidelines began to recognize the importance of shaping the community to enable easier ways to focus on a less obesogenic environment.


4.3 Results of intervention
Public health England published a report on July 4th 2017  detailing the health profile of the Medway towns.  There is a definite concern within Medway. (http://fingertipsreports.phe.org.uk/health-profiles/2017/e06000035.pdf) With a lower life expectancy than the national average (8.2 years lower for men and 5.8 years lower for women) and a statistic that 21% of children live in low income families, the figures are suggestive that more needs to be done.  In year 6 within the local area, 20.9% of children in 2017 were measured within the obese range.

Figure 7 from Public health England Ref:(http://fingertipsreports.phe.org.uk/health-profiles/2017/e06000035.pdf) Showing the estimation of Medway age profiles between 2015 and the estimate in 2018. 

The aging population within Medway shows signs that death will be higher than the national expected average for those ages 75 and over. 

5.0  Summary

While much evidence is proven within this report that initiatives are taking place both nationally and locally, the long term outlook shows more may need to be done.

The local Medway area is showing that research has proven some issues may be those from lower socioeconomic classes either having issues with affordability or education.  There is far more to this issue as we can see from the evidence within this report. However, even globally with changes being made to the bigger picture, we are showing more and more need for a different approach.

Without doubt,  physical activity will benefit obese patients, therefore lowering the prevalence of chronic disease.  Diseases such as type 2 diabetes mellitus, coronary heart disease, cardio vascular health, mental health, dementia and cancer can all become less prevalent with healthy lifestyle changes such as diet and physical activity. This is clear.  However,  even with steps in place for obese and overweight patients to undertake more physical activity, this may not be being carried out.   
A wider approach of a more conclusive change is needed which within the evidence of this report is being likened to the changes made to approach the issues raised within climate change. 

The aging population outlined in the figures above show not only increases in age throughout the future years yet also the risks of chronic disease increasing.  To tackle the obesity epidemic strongly would help this population to age well and healthy.  While there is no doubt diet plays a huge part in obesity, the evidence presented here has proven clearly that while diet can help lower and prevent obesity,  an increase in physical activity even without weight loss will lower the prevalence and incidence of chronic disease and improve the health and lifestyle of those affected.  Living well will benefit those previously at risk of chronic disease and this can be achieved with an increase in physical activity. 

Local and national initiatives need a more vigorous approach to change the course of the evidence and predictions shown within this report.






6.0 References

van Baak, M. a (1999) ‘Physical activity and energy balance.’, Public health nutrition, 2(3A), pp. 335–339. doi: DOI: 10.1017/S1368980099000452.

González-Muniesa, P., Mártinez-González, M.-A., Hu, F. B., Després, J.-P., Matsuzawa, Y., Loos, R. J. F., Moreno, L. A., Bray, G. A. and Martinez, J. A. (2017) ‘Obesity’, Nature Reviews Disease Primers, 3, p. 17034. doi: 10.1038/nrdp.2017.34.

Haslam, D. W. and James, W. P. T. (2005) ‘Obesity’, in Lancet, pp. 1197–1209. doi: 10.1016/S0140-6736(05)67483-1.

Kadoglou, N. P. E., Iliadis, F., Angelopoulou, N., Perrea, D., Ampatzidis, G., Liapis, C. D. and Alevizos, M. (2007) ‘The anti-inflammatory effects of exercise training in patients with type 2 diabetes mellitus.’, European journal of cardiovascular prevention and rehabilitation : official journal of the European Society of Cardiology, Working Groups on Epidemiology & Prevention and Cardiac Rehabilitation and Exercise Physiology, 14(6), pp. 837–43. doi: 10.1097/HJR.0b013e3282efaf50.

Kanneganti, T. D. and Dixit, V. D. (2012) ‘Immunological complications of obesity’, Nature Immunology, pp. 707–712. doi: 10.1038/ni.2343.
Kopelman, P. G. (2000) ‘Obesity as a medical problem’, Nature, 404(6778), pp. 635–643. doi: 10.1038/35007508.

Mary, E. a. (2014) Adult Obesity and Type 2 Diabetes About Public Health England, Public Health England. doi: 2014211.

McPherson, K., Marsh, T. and Brown, M. (2007) Tackling Obesities:Future Choices-Modelling Future Trends in Obesity {&} Their Impact on Health, Foresight.

Available at: http://www.bis.gov.uk/assets/foresight/docs/obesity/14.pdf?dm%7B_%7Di=VOQ,1BM2C,4Q47OG,4H8QX,1.


Miles, L. (2007) ‘Physical activity and health’, Nutrition Bulletin, 32, pp. 314–363. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-3010.2007.00668.x.

Poulain, M., Doucet, M., Major, G. C., Drapeau, V., Sériès, F., Boulet, L.-P., Tremblay, A. and Maltais, F. (2006) ‘The effect of obesity on chronic respiratory diseases: pathophysiology and therapeutic strategies.’, CMAJ : Canadian Medical Association journal = journal de l’Association medicale canadienne, 174(9), pp. 1293–9. doi: 10.1503/cmaj.051299.

Rennie, K. L. and Jebb, S. a (2005) ‘Prevalence of obesity in Great Britain.’, Obesity reviews : an official journal of the International Association for the Study of Obesity, 6(1), pp. 11–12. doi: 10.1111/j.1467-789X.2005.00164.x.
Rutter, H., Bes-Rastrollo, M., De Henauw, S., Lahti-Koski, M., Lehtinen-Jacks, S., Mullerova, D., Rasmussen, F., Rissanen, A., Visscher, T. L. S. and Lissner, L. (2017) ‘Balancing Upstream and Downstream Measures to Tackle the Obesity Epidemic: A Position Statement from the European Association for the Study of Obesity’, Obesity Facts, 10(1), pp. 61–63. doi: 10.1159/000455960.

Shacter, E. and Weitzman, S. A. (2002) ‘Chronic inflammation and cancer’, Oncology (Williston Park, NY), 16(2), pp. 217–26, 229–2. Available at: papers3://publication/uuid/3F492291-1D16-43CA-9DB3-4EF2578B9A08.
World Health Organization (2014) WHO | Physical activity, WHO.



Word count (excluding ref – 2277)

Sunday, 27 December 2020

Post Christmas blues or lost my muse?

Needing to write an essay about the public health addressing issues relating to type 2 diabetes and physical activity, I'm just not feeling it.  Honestly.

Feeling super sure this would be something I would be so keen to get my teeth stuck into, I'm not sure why I feel like this.  Is it because I feel it will get a poor response? Like, we all work so hard (with little direction) simply to get a poor mark.  Perhaps it has knocked the stuffing out of me. Perhaps it is more simple than that, like I have family stuff taking my mental energy.

Constantly in the back of my mind I worry about them. As well as this, it's not like I desperately need this qualification to do what I want to do. So why make myself miserable.

Deciding I needed a mindset shift, this is what I decided.
The essays and reports I write will be going on my blog  - amazing - as I love blogging and it will also be my work so can go towards something better.  I also am spending a little time thinking of things I would hate to do rather more than writing this essay.  We have come up with so many suggestions, so many jobs which would have me thankful for sitting here in my luxury cabin with my Yankee Candle alight writing at my best computer twin screens. 

Darkness begins to fall.  My daughter has a kidney infection which i needed to diagnose and treat, allowing me a distraction.  
4 sub headings sit on my otherwise blank Word document. 




Reading government white papers isn't my favourite thing. My thing is one to one motivation.  "You can do this! Just do it."
Why not motivate myself?

The calendar tells me we have our last lecture in 13 weeks.  Counting down...

Saturday, 21 November 2020

Fashionably early darling?

Is there such a thing as fashionably early?  WEll I'm early.  That NEVER happens!

Mrs ten minutes late, thats me.

Not tonightm you see, I am at university (hiding in the IT lab) right now as ther eis what I hope will be  a motivational everning ahead. So here I sit among the students who ar elikely to grafuate withj a first as I atten,pt to tpye (I'm used to a MAC keyboard) this little story in my little black dress

Jeez this dress has seen some action this year.  This is what I call my funeral dress.  Tonight I have dressed it down with boots and a jacket kind of like a blazer sort of thing and of course, the lanyard.
Sometimes I love my lanyard, its great to fiddle with and it also there are good days when it makes me feel 'part of something'. OTher days when I'm huffy, I wonder why we all need to be labelled as if we are in some clone country or soemting.  Gosh my writing this evening, Im sensing this is how I would write if I had some wine, yet that rarely happens.

So today, here I am at something called Greenwich portraits where they reveal photos taken of amazing people who are real achievers in this university of mine.  A few things they do really well here is plan stuff like this. SO I sense I am off for nibbles and a glass of soemthing in a flute and lots of happy smiles.
My anxiety is so much better than I can even begin to explain. Most days I feel like a different person. Like the person I wanted to be.  PErhaps its my hormones#/? DR says I'm definitely in my menopause.  IT seems to suit me. Maybe this will be my best time of my life... maybe this is what all the struggles were for.

Anyhow, it's almost 6pm and time for me to sass my way around the poshest, most beautiful room in uni....thanks for killing time with me these past ten minutes...x

Wednesday, 18 November 2020

No sleep and then a presentation

Do I laugh or cry?

I'm unsure if this is a funny story to look back on or a tragic one.  Let's try and keep it light and bright.  Therefore, the information contained within here might well not be at all scienfic! For purposes of entertainment, there may be exaggeration.

So once again Mum was in casualty.  It seems she might have some sort of issue going on with her brain which is no great surprise to me.  Since losing Dad a year ago to a brain stem stroke, I kind of knew some of the signs.

All night long we were in casualty and I had no sleep.  At all.

We had the 9am presentation and I had conversed with my chilled out partner Trev.  We would go first.  I left mum in accident and emergency and said I would be back as quickly as i could. This was important. It was for an exam.  So off I went.  Putting on a little lipstick along the way too!  That was the best I could do.

Hoping for a good -pass, I was disappointed that we went to all that effort for a measly 63%. It was good enough, definitely one of the better results we had in the year but still.

Anyway, main thing is mum was ok when I got back. We got home later that day. Not much they can do for her...

Tuesday, 17 November 2020

Have I lost the will to study?

A looming essay on Barkers Hypothesis is calling me.

Apparently, my peers are suggesting there is a lot to this essay and we need to create 3000 words on it. So here I am procrastinating.  Finding that I have so much else to do in the throes of buying and selling houses and creating myself a massive portfolio of properties which might actually mean this is my main source of income. 

Perhaps alleviating the need to earn money from nutrition has brought me back to a place once again of struggling to find the passion in anything other than life and writing.  I am still passionate about nutrition actually... A dietitian from the Westminster Hospital came and reminded us all of this yesterday.  She was so engaging and interesting and a blinking nice lady.

Leaves me confused...

Ok so rewind, this post is going to take a turn...I just took a break to get my coffee and head off to the 'careers advice' workshop.  Doubtless full of people learning how to behave in an interview etc?  Anyway at the coffee shop I bumped into my Phd friend who I will call Alex.  She was telling me how she has a few health struggles.  I cut to the chase and asked if she thinks this might be because of university and the stress that goes with it.
"Oh definitely."
"So tell me something, if you could go back in time would you still do your phd?"
'Honestly?..." she paused, "No."

I smiled at this epiphany moment.  We then went on to discuss what it is I would like to do in detail. Obviously she knows a lot about the implications of being credible and making sure I do my research.  Yet her advice was priceless.  We decided between us that I definitely do not need a Phd to undertake such a job.
Embarrassed to do so, I didn't go into the new news of me house buying and all that comes with it, including hopefully enough income to not have to worry too much about working.  (Blessed.) 


While I know I am in a position to grow my writing and reviewing business, I currently am also feeling very lucky to know this platform is already taking off to the level where I have enough faith that it can happen.  I'm feeling encouraged and positive.  

But I still need to write this essay on Barkers Hypothesis!  

Saturday, 14 November 2020

From Phd fantasy to wanting to quit!

Sounding like a total nutcase, feeling like one too, I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on the past few days.

Spending a good couple of days really researching deeply the courses I might want to undertake next year onwards, I felt excited.  The course material sounded interesting but then I realised the excitement comes from actually doing those bits of research and filling forms as opposed to the actual work.  Procrastinating on my deadlines which were looming for the uni work I need to do here and now, I stumbled over my own thoughts.

Knowing that there will be one day soon when Mum has had her time on this earth, the twins are flying the nest and my life seems more empty, I felt excited to be pursuing a career path once again.
It didn't occur to me that I might well get that same feeling from doing the thing which is my dream.

So off i have trotted into the world of application forms and personal statements.
Imperial College London, one of the top universities in the world. Clinical Research Phd for me, Diabetes and Obesity.  Ideal
Kings College London, Dietetics PgDip.
London Met, Dietetics Msc
Plus I have been already enrolled on a course at my own uni.  A masters which is worth a few grand to me too.

This morning I left with a spring in my step. Feeling smart these days, loving my work.

Meeting Jasmine for lunch, more springing, despite the bad back.

Walking around uni to the tune of 'hi louise' and smiles and nods (my ambassador role introduces me to many people I otherwise wouldn't have met) I was feeling fantastic.

The afternoon lecture was about obesity.  Great. I love this subject.
"Hey friends." I smiled at the Six Packs.
Have I told you about the six packs?  There are six of us and we are tight.  Close, helpful, loving and tight.  A great group.

Understanding the subject, asking sensible questions, answering many questions, our lecturer made me frown inside as she kept referring to 'people of colour' which I was unsure was racist or not.
Then, forgetting he was one of our fellow classmates in year one, she referred to someone as morbidly obese and kind of sneered about the fact he didn't agree with doing pharmacology so left the uni.  He was my friend  He's now at Kings.  Ha!  Well I was inwardly 'letting this go' as I was giving her a pinch of salt.
At the end of the lecture she kept me back.
"How do you think your presentation went the other day?"
"Yeah ok."
She frowned and proceeded to tell me that I had insufficient evidence backing up my review and therefore would be very disappointed with my disastrous mark.  I was struggling to hear this.  Already I had dragged myself in with three slipped discs, a menopause going on and lots of pain all over. Some of which was caused by the massive amount of painkillers I had taken to get me through this.  Not only did I: think I had done ok. I thought I had done WELL.

My peers had also congratulated me too.

I revised the subject for an entire day.  To create a disaster.
The angle she was speaking to me had a feeling of 'you might as well give up now'. She asked if I was prepared to let anyone look at my next piece of work as it was so important to get a good mark and turn it around.
Devastated.

Erase Erase Erase. It would be wrong of me to critique her here.  Unprofessional.  Yet I feel a sense of something so different between her and me.  Honestly.
Instantly I felt my mental health slip back into a place I hate, a place of uncertainty about myself, my worth, my worry that I must be a really awful person in order to attract such ugliness in my life...
Refusing to believe this is me and my mental health, i let tears flow instead.  Silent crying.
Then come the thoughts of being alone and dealing with life.  Being not good at dealing with life when the mental health dips.

Something I do know is I want to forget about becoming a Dr.  Doing that Phd seems something so unimportant.

Could I retire next year?  Simply continuing to write and make films for my living.  Travelling.  Maybe forgetting the entire food thing. Taking care of my mother who has dementia.  Possibly fostering babies too.  Making life more simple....

I just feel :I want to quit. To run.  To make life simple and get to work on my back issue and definitely on my mental health.  Going swimming, walking the dog, all these things....

Life feels like it needs to be lived yet I feel broken hearted for the person who has been attacked from the inside out.  Yes, I'm sensitive, this is something I know.  But its who I am.

Right away, I am back to that person who feels like a sad person. Alone. Sensitive.