A head in the clouds.

On my Youtube channel we have been discussing the fact that I'm starting dating.

Well, yes, this seems irrelevant to blog writing about writing and my work in progress but you see it is actually very relevant indeed! Not only am I now opening myself up to experience matters of the heart once again but I am also opening up to sitting here in the library falling asleep at the keyboard!

My writing seems to have come to a slight standstill and I'm concerned.  The MA at university has been good for so many reasons but also has stopped my creative flow as I am now having to think hard about what I am doing and I'm swaying away from my genre on multiple regular occasions.  Should I just ignore the bits I don't feel like doing and crack on with the others?

Aiming for a good blog and Youtube audience is something which has always been on my radar and I could edit and write blogs all day, every day. As well as my stories of course.  Perhaps taking things down the academic route is something which might be disrupting my flow.  Even now, sitting here freewriting to you guys with the flying fingers over the keyboard, I feel happy.  Tired, but happy.

The issue with dating and being a person who paints these pictures in her head of exactly what happened when (it's the writer in me I'm sure!) I find my head is in the clouds and studying seems to elude me.  Today is no exception.

Trying to research settings and places within my MA is not really where I want to be right now. So do I quit for the day, go home, watch TV and doze with my dog and my daughter?  Of course not, I have said this absolutely every day this week.  Nothing has got done. It's all so slow to flow.  Crazy.

My other issue is getting to the gym.  I'm so motivated right now to work hard and get myself as strong as I can be.  Another hospital letter dropped through the letter box, enlightening me to the fact that my Ankylosing Spondylitis is also now in my knees. So I really must put health as a number one without any doubt. Nothing else can come first.

Don't get me wrong, while last nights gentleman who has put those clouds over my head was extremely lovely, I'm now left here wondering if everything was ok or should I give up the entire thing and push on with my work.  Guys mess with my head.  But times when you just sit together chatting, loving, eating and drinking is so indulgent and precious and I totally love that.  For me, it was escapism. Not only did I need it but it was completely consuming.

Work?  Or life?  Big question.

Testimonials I received in the last 24 hours!

I still can't believe I'm living this dream! 

I'm an author!  Life feels incredible right now. 

Here is what they are saying:

“Loved it, thanks Louise.” Sue Trevor.

“I love that melancholy mixed with hope! For me it echoes with those first love feelings - the uncertainty mixed with exhilaration!” Raphaelle.

“So honest,” Amy.

“Louise has written a powerful, honest and emotive piece 

on how university had an impact on her.” Kallie, Editor of UnifiedFem

“Wow that’s amazing writing. You are very talented.” Barbara.

Blown away by the response my writing is getting! And Letter to my future spouse

Goodness me. What is going on?  Like, people are stopping me to tell me how awesome I am.

My writing is gathering momentum and I am publishing in the award winning uni mag now.  I'm loving it quite frankly.  Never did I imagine the dream might come into fruition.

Over the next few blog posts I will share what has been going on.

But for now, my new submission which has just been accepted is this one:

Letter to my future spouse.

What do you think you are doing?

Coming into my life and disrupting my plans.

I mean, so much hurt from my past. Of course the barriers are up.  Who could blame me?  By now you will know the stories, back to back.  You might be shocked to know I left some details out which I thought might be too painful for you to hear.  I even thought you might not believe me.

Even before you came along, I refused to be a man hater.  Knowing that all the human race is/was different.  I can only guess that now you are in my life (messing up my plans for a ‘cold heart for the rest of my life’) I did actually manage to find someone more than half decent.  Someone chivalrous, who treats me like a lady at the right times, like his girl the other times. Causing silly eye twinkles and grins that speak volumes. 

Actually, I know half decent doesn’t go any way towards describing you.  If you are now my guy (which you are, because you’re reading this) you will know my standards are pretty high. 

Sorry.  Sorry about that. 

Self-preservation I guess. 

Snapping at you unnecessarily might be the order of the day. That’s just me being afraid.  Please let me blow that hot air out. Then let me say sorry – and please accept my apology.   Of course I’m nervous of you.  Gee whizz you stole my icy heart.  How did that even happen?

Remember I don’t need promises of forever or that everything will be perfect.  What I need is you giving me perfect moments that I will lock away to remember when I sit in that rocking chair and smile to myself.  Your arms around me, making me feel that just for that moment, I am the most important person in your world.  Coffee dates and Sunday morning sofa snuggles.  Wine and firelight.  Music and laughter.  These are the plain and simple things that make us smile.

We have a wonderful future of making memories.  I’ll take nothing for granted.  I’ll promise not to take you for granted.  My best memory of you so far?  That long text chat we had, you remember the day?  When I was so down and filtering over the past hurts with sadness.  Do you remember what you said?  Thank you for that memory babe. It’s etched into me as (likely) the most powerful sentence a guy has ever said to me,

“You have to let me be ‘not that guy’”.

Mental health magazine publication

Did I mention I write for the Uni Magazine which is actually way more than a uni mag?

This is the article that started to get me noticed.  I love it!

To read it on their online magazine, click here

University might not have caused my mental health issues, but it brought them to the surface. It was a painful experience but now I know this was totally necessary to move forward. Here’s my story.

”These will help,” said the doctor who prescribed me anti-depressants. Who actually wants to hold out their hand and accept they have to take those? My inner soul sighed. Where had the old me gone?

Those days of ‘black cloud’ moments were becoming increasingly worrying. Trying to describe the feeling was crazy. It’s an empty void rather than total despair, although those moments had been flitting in and out too. Feeling thankful for my inner support network, I knew I wasn’t in overly terrible danger. Yet, this wasn’t something I could take for granted.

If the pills helped and saw me finish my degree, then why not give them a shot?

According to the Higher Education Statistics Agency, the number of students who disclosed a mental health condition almost doubled between 2012 and 2015 to nearly 45,000.

How had I reached this point? So blue. Not in control of my crazy emotions. I was always the strong one. I had dealt with massive life challenges like single parenthood and breezed through it. So how was I struggling so much with the science I was hoping to learn? Why had it tipped me over the edge?

I reached out, but the help I asked for mostly fell into a vortex of nothingness.

Until the university got involved and put me forward for counselling. Oh goodness, did this bring up some crazy stuff! Not realising those thoughts I had always had were not normal, but in fact  they were anxiety. Then we ended up knowing I was ‘ruminating’ – which was a word I had to Google. It’s a posh word for over-thinking.

Yes that is me. We ended up bringing up a lot of my childhood stuff and how I had been parented. Which is something I still struggle with but I know I can’t change what happened. Only how I now try to tackle it. They were wrong, my parents. They should have told me they loved me and are proud of me, and encouraged my dreams.

Things could have been worse.

Excited to finish my undergrad, I was super ready to step into a less stressful situation with my MA which was a total lifelong dream of becoming a full-time writer. Yet that very first day, familiar feelings came up. Shocked to the core I had to acknowledge the university had been nothing less than perfect and these feelings were totally mine to own.

So now it was about ‘learning to dance in the rain’, knowing there were going to be good times and bad times.

Riding this wave of life. Rollercoaster riding with white knuckles. When I’m up, I’m up. I need to soak those images creating the good memories into a photographic brain to store away and hopefully use as my rocking chair memories.

Knowing that without those down times, life would be flat and unrecognisable in the up times.

After a few years of down moments, I write with joy in saying today is an up day. I smile needlessly with a thought and a stomach flip and these are thoughts I will cherish.

Life has changed dramatically.

Ok, I can say this as you guys are 3 years off in the future.

Things are different now.

I am different.  Youtube viewers have tapped me on the shoulder on this trip and said HI. Lots of them.
Men have handed me their numbers and want to take me out. Some (one) did more than that and it's changed me.  At the time this was something crazy that I wasn't sure about but with hindsight and a few days of getting my head around it i have realised how much my life is changing and opening up.
Now I'm a writer.  I have written 10,000 words on this trip. Loved it on the sunbed each morning.

My youtube is going to be getting more focus now.
My body is going to be kept more well. MY human body is going to have more love.  I'm going to start dating. After closing my heart off for so long.

Mum and I are kind of where we are. We will never be close.  I know this. She has pushed my buttons on this trip.

I'm happy and excited for life.

Oh yes I definitely have found my muse!

Today, I write from a sunbed on a beautiful beach in Turkey. 

Lost for words, I glance up.

Watching the sway of the trees with a backdrop of the water, I definitely manage to clear my head for those lost words.

Romance novels here you see. I'm writing about 3000 words every day and drawing on all manner of senses experiences while I'm here.

Love it.  Feeling the love. 

How university has had an impact on my mental health

How university has had an impact on my mental health

“These will help” the doctor prescribed me anti depressants.

Who ever wants to hold out their hand and accept they have to take those? My inner soul sighed. Where had the ‘old me’ gone?

Those days of black cloud moments were becoming increasingly worrying.  Trying to describe the feeling was crazy.  It’s an empty void rather than total despair, although those moments had been flitting in and out too.  Feeling thankful for my inner support network, I knew I wasn’t in overly terrible danger. Yet this wasn’t something I could take for granted.

If the pills helped and saw me finish my degree then when not give them a shot?

How had I reached this point? So blue.  Not in control of crazy emotions.  I was always the strong one.  I had dealt with massive life challenges like single parenthood and breezed through it. So why was I struggling so much with the science I was hoping to learn? Why had it tipped me over the edge?

I reached out but the help I asked for mostly fell into a vortex of nothingness.  Until the University got involved and put me forward for counselling.  Oh Goodness.  Did this bring up some crazy stuff? Oh yes. 

Not realizing those thoughts I had always had were not normal but in fact was anxiety.  Really?  People don’t see all these worrying things turn into disaster?  Then we ended up knowing I was ruminating, which was a word I had to Google. A posh word for over-thinking.

Yes that is me.  We ended up bringing up a lot of my childhood stuff and how I had been parented.  Which is something I still struggle with but I know I can’t change what happened.  Only how I now try and tackle it.  They were wrong, my parents. They should have told me they loved me and are proud of me, and encouraged my dreams.

Things could have been worse.

University might not have caused my mental health issues but brought them to the surface.  Which was a painful experience but now I know this was totally necessary to move forward.

Excited to finish my undergrad, I was super ready to step into a less stressful situation with my MA which was a total life long dream of becoming a full time writer. 

Yet that very first day, familiar feelings came up.  Shocked to the core I had to acknowledge the university had been nothing less than perfect and these feelings were totally mine to own.  So now it was about ‘learning to dance in the rain’, knowing there were going to be good times and bad times. 

Riding this wave of life.  Rollercoaster riding with white knuckles.  When I’m up, I’m up.  I need to soak those images creating the good memories into a photographic brain to store away and hopefully use as my rocking chair memories. 

Knowing that without those down times, life would be flat and unrecognizable in the up times.  After a few years of down moments, I write with joy in saying today is an up day.  I smile needlessly with a thought and a stomach flip and these are thoughts I will cherish.