Why I am an idiot!

So over on my personal (lifestyle) blog "Louise Usher" I generated a very powerful blog post which has gone very viral!  On this post I wrote about my passions for travel, writing and all things Lusher Life.  Now, this morning I have come into uni to work in the coffee shop as I know I will be much less distracted than at home.

2 hours to work on a project is a lot of time for me. I am amazingly fast it seems. Hope that doesn't mean I don't work well on it, but I get lots done.

Now I have spent these 2 hours researching blinking Phd courses and the like. Why? Why? Why?

Stop it Lou! Stop! Stop!

The post I wrote was full of clarity and I know what I want and why.  Do I want to get up to a frosty train station and travel into London? Not really.  Why do I even consider this? I know where I want my career to be and being unwell last week (did I tell you?) gave me total clarity that I was going to be someone who travels and reviews places to stay and eat with health  issues, special diets and/or intolerances and allergies.  Even if the said catering place doesn't pay for the review, this is something I can report back on Youtube and websites and generate revenue this way. Honestly, I hate to be so calculated but you need to earn a crust right?

Yes you do and I want to make life work for me in the best way possible which I believe is to travel and see some of the world. While having time to Yoga and sort out my health issues - I'm going to the gym tonight YAY!
I had a quick look at the student blogs on the place I was looking at online.  A Phd student wrote about the impact on mental health while doing a Phd.  Now would I go back in time and never join uni?

Probably.

If I had known how things were going to work out I expect it would have sounded like I had died and gone to hell.
Firstly there was the panic attacks, then the anti-depressant medication, coupled with hating the public, and public places. Having an issue (definitely mental health) with getting on a train and getting off again.  Living with my curtains permanently closed in my house and being paranoid at so many levels.

Moving to a university closer to home was a good move. I like this uni. There are a few kind people. There are also some nasty buggers. This academic life is so competitive.  I don't like that AT ALL.
Then we have Dad being so ill he was rushed to intensive care and we lost him a few days later, planning the most amazing funeral (this was my coping mechanism) and finally getting back to uni to catch up and just about pass that year.  Wanting every day to go see Mum as I was so worried about her on her own.
A year later and mum is in the same intensive care with heart block.  Seriously ill.  Heart surgery.  Me missing uni for pretty much 3 months.
One night we were in casualty all night long. We had a presentation to do at 9am.  I left mum in casualty with my ex, dashed into uni, smashed it with the presentation, left immediately (missed about 2 hours of doing nothing in casualty) and sorted mum again.
Mum then had a dementia diagnosis.
Moved in with us.  I slept on the sofa for months.  We did a home made loft conversion.  Mum got a room. I got a bed back.
All the while of course I am suffering with my back, my crohns.
Failing year 2 by just a couple of percent on one module.  Retaking.  Passing.
Divorce for me.
Teaching my twins to drive.
Buying many cars!
MY daughter being run off the road by a drunk on her first day driving.
Nightmares.  All over.

Last week, apparently I was close to needing intestinal surgery.  As I literally crawled into uni on my knees (not quite but you imagine) high on tramadol, the department head pretty much told me to pull myself together or apply for EC.

Nasty.

How  have I survived?  Honestly I don't know.  Now.  I feel I had clarity.  I do have clarity.  So why am I being drawn into this silly idea of becoming a Dr?  The buzz?  Surely there will be a better buzz by travelling the world? That's called living the dream, not becoming a Dr?

Focus Lou.  Focus.

5am thoughts about my university work in year 3

Today, I am having a struggle.

Today, I feel better physically than I did this past week.  Pain, kidney infections, lumber pain, hip pain, more pain, leukocytes in my urine, blood, protein, ketones, so the dr sent me for an X-ray thinking kidney stones.  Shock waved its way over me as I was informed there is an intestinal blockage.  For someone with crohns, this is terrible news.  I began to write a will.

Realising that life sometimes teters on the edge of scary and fragile, I wrote a blog post over on my main website.  How life has taken over from me and has a life of its own now.  For the past 3 years at university I have felt the face of adversity telling me to come away from it all.  Really strongly and oh my gosh even writing it here, knowing you won't read it for 3 years, is just a massive sigh coming out of my body and onto the digital paper.  Oh gosh, I sigh literally.  Journalling is more than a therapy.  But in words I cannot explain.

Calmly, I feel like quitting. Yet for the past ONE MONTH is the first time in university I haven't wanted to quit.  IT was more than a nice feeling.  I have loved the workload, the actual work, the understanding of what is going on in the classroom.  Answering all the questions when others seemed not to be able to.

Epiphany hit me as i realised i was finally doing what I had wanted to do all these years.  I was becoming a nutritionist.

Just as I was about to fist bump the air, is when the health issue struck.
Knocked me off my feet. In and out of hospital.
Couldn't even manage to text without messing it up so it wasn't  a chance to get caught up on uni work.

This morning I feel a little better.  Quite a lot better in fact.  So i get up early to start some work.  5AM early.

Flipping the screen up on my laptop as i sit here drinking my coffee, listening to the dog snore and sending occasional chats to a uni friend who is visiting India, I feel a need to write.  Not nutrition stuff.  Not uni stuff.  This stuff.  Stories.  I want to write stories.  I could do that all day, and would do that all day, and should do that all day. I know this in my bones.

Lack of exercise and eating right has not helped my health. I want it back. I want me back.
Uni has knocked the stuffing out of me and I really wanted to end my stories on here with a positive twist of knowing I had a Phd and how it was all worth it in the end.  A PHD in science.  Wow makes me sound uber smart.
Without meaning to sound judgemental, many of the academics might have a flash title and all but not enough time or money to really live life in a way i really want to live life.  I want to travel and see things.  I can't due to all of this uni work.  Nothing else is holding me back.  Truly it isn't.
Part of me really loves uni but i think if i strip it back, i could gladly take my laptop into the coffee shop at uni, park the car and sit with my coffee and write for some time.  It's what I love.  It feels easy.  And it's what I want.   Taking photos, creating videos.

Let's be honest here.

Before I started university I was in debt.  I also was nursing a broken heart and feeling as though I finally had to deal with the fact I wouldn't have any more children. So I wanted something massive to deal with to take the pain away. And to pay to keep me afloat.   So here we are.  University final year. plus with a massive unconditional offer for a masters degree.  All online.  Food safety and quality management.  Do I want it? I'm not sure yet.
So the debt is pretty much gone.  The idea was this would buy me writing time to get things off the ground and making more money but I hadn't factored in aging parents, taking care of all that comes along with that.  Lacking in time to write, that then puts out my fire for life.  Yet it doesn't really as its still there burning away in the embers.

I need to research Arginine now and upload it on some portal kind of website thing but to be honest,  I feel like I'm frustrated and can't be bothered with it. Oh, another hot flush.  Is this menopause?  Dr says no.

Year 3 summary.  I love it. And I don't.  I have clarity on my future. That's quite priceless.

Food innovation

This subject of Food innovation seems to have caught my attention.  Knowing I have a love for business (that is, creating a life you love, not having a million pound business that creates lots of stress) and also for food, I can see a way forward for me as a nutritional scientist.

Allergy testing is something which I currently offer as a service across the globe via the internet.  I love it of course.
Knowing how much food allergies have changed my life, I am passionate beyond words about sharing this with others. Hmm, got me thinking once again...

I'm single

I didn't mention this on here before.

I'm single.

It's hard and it's easy.  Life is easier but I miss him.  My best friend.
I'm not looking to replace him and I didn't think this was the place to talk about it. Yet reading through a past email I mentioned him.  so, the update is, we are now just friends...

Enough about that...

I wish I had known this before - life now makes sense

Finishing a day of hairdressing.  Ugh.  Lovely people, easy work (after doing it all these years) but just ugh.

I'm tired.  Feeling weak.  Need to sleep.  I took myself to the cemetery today to visit Dad.  I was so tired I set my alarm and slept in the car for half an hour before I was off to my next clients.

Recently, I: have been soul searching, jeez I always seem to soul search.  The answers are now coming.  Yesterday I went along to a medium for a reading. A respected person who is well known in his field.  He was amazing.  I felt at home for a couple of hours. It's totally changed a lot.
During the reading he asked if I'm a counsellor.  "Well, no, but I am a kind of coach" I informed him. Not quite knowing how to put it.
By the end of this genius reading I had the guy asking me for help with his words.  He wanted me to coach him.  He is blind.  He could only form an opinion of me by everything other than sight.  Anyhow I digress.  Driving around today I have had time to think between clients.  Looking back to old old times, we took time to groom ourselves, to cook properly, to eat well, to sleep.  Now it's all stress and hustle and bustle.  My crohns gut can't handle it. I'm super tired constantly.  I need help with my diet, my house.  I am hiding out here in Marks and Spencer cafe as I can't face going home.  Its chaos there.  Along side that reason, I just really wanted to write a bit....you understand.  You know me well enough by now to know I just have a need to write.

Finally I have figured stuff out.  I am a person who used to get so much out of working like a horse but that was all i ever did. I ate on the job, I was cooked for, I didn't have to shop, the house didn't get messy as I was never there.  Now, I have a messy house which gets messy when I'm not there yet it's up to me to sort it.  I am not that well. I'm trying to sort mums life out.  Selling her house, as well as the contents of it.  It's all too much.

Now, with the coach comment and the fact of how I feel I know where I'm going and what I'm doing.  I'm going to coach folks on a retreat. This is a retreat I will own.  We will talk all sorts of things.  I will swim at the pool.  I will walk in the nature. I will write and eat healthily.  I wish I had the words to describe how I feel but it's like I'm in heaven. Life is taking me to an amazing place I have never felt I have been before.  It's making sense.  Finally.

Failed! Yo-yo feelings...

So yes that letter came and I heard I had failed.  NOT passed.  Remember?

So today I head to university feeling very sorry for myself, not sure if I should throw things in, defer a year or what.  Today was/is an open day for the university and I stepped into my uniform of the student ambassador that I negatively am and arrived feeling heated.  After tears from me (as the boss put her arms around me) and another sad face from my co-worker Sharon (lovely lady) I realised I was not going to be able to keep it together. I offered to go home.  No they said. Now I'm glad they said no.  I had a great day; honestly!

Speaking to those of great intelligence and feeling inspired by those speaking of post grad qualifications, I felt and realised that I was in fact definitely one of those people who blows off hot stream in order to keep myself going.  You know one of those people who thrive and live off stress?  I hate to admit that as it's so super messed up.

Knowing that post grad applications need to go in by September, I decided I am going to go for it at the retake, make a good job of it, apply for post grad and see what happens. If the family needs me and I need to put the post grad stuff on hold, or of course I may decide I don't want to do it, then I can decide that later.

Today I remembered why I started university.  The people were awesome today.  The actual academic stuff is not why but the experience is.  For sure.  Loved it!

Failed year 2!!!!!!

You have NOT passed.

In capital letters.  Nice.  Cheers.

So helpful.  They don't give a crap!

All I have been through.  The death of Dad, the heart attack of mum,  myocarditis of husband, (Ish husband) and they write it in capital letters.

Ok it's sideways but you can still see the words NOT..

Jeez they said there would be nothing on metabolic disorders and there was.  One exam failed.  It wasn't even an exam, I passed that, it was a test....just a test....
Frigging lack of help.  Honestly.....

I'm so super angry.

I had extenuating circumstances on everything and still they wouldn't let that little 5% go....

5% damn you!

I hate the system, I hate that they speak so badly to everyone. I hate that they don't help and have no beating hearts inside them.  They are horrid people!
I started out on this course to stop myself pining for a baby.  Mum and Dad were travelling the world on their little journeys of life and now look.... yet no help at all.

Do I retake then defer year 3? I might.

Or get a girl friday for an apprentice to take care of mum, the house, the social media sharing?  That might be possible....hmm....options.  Now that feels better!