Who am I?

Who even am I?

Yesterday saw an inspiring day at the Excel center for the summer in the city event.  Brilliant.

I arrived there feeling like I looked good, was confident and totally ready to embrace the learning that the event was about to bring me.  Yet I heard more about creating a niche than ever (They are right of course, but it left me feeling confused) and I also left feeling old.

Knowing I’m a sensitive soul is one thing, but Jasmine and I went to a stand to talk to someone about their merch and instantly they assumed I was her manager. Not that I might be a creator in my own right. Well I am.  And a monetized one too. People want to see my videos every week and also I have loads of people wanting to read my stories I write.  As well as very popular Facebook groups for those travelling to the hotels I travel to.

“Oh no she has her own channel too,” Jasmine said.

“Oh God, my dad has a channel and it’s so embarassing.” Said the other lady.  Was I embarrassing then? Jesus. What an awful thing to say. I thought I was a cool person.

Mum and Dad always critisied me and it has taken so much work to get myself to the place of not feeling like that anymore but one small comment and I’m right back there again.

Leaving feeling kinda ok, looking forward to chatting to someone I met on a dating app later in the evening with excitement, I was then met with a morning of waking up today feeling blue and grumpy.  After a conversation with the guy and feeling it didn’t go well, again, I just was swept into a downward spiral of feeling unwanted, good for nothing, unloved and useless.

Of course this isn’t an actual fact, it’s just how I’m feeling right now.  The sooner the feeling passes the better.

People seem to think I’m perfect, strong and indestructible. I’m not.  I’m trying hard to be all things to all people but it’s a struggle.

Now I have posed the question of

1.     am I a travel vlogger

2.     am I a writer

and I am yet to find the answer. The online poll I did saw people suggest I’m a writer which was sweet.  Settling into writing stories is something I would completely love of course but the belief that this is going to be enough on its own is a totally difficult belief in its own right.

If this is what people want, is this now who I am?  The academics at university seem to think so, so perhaps I should think so too.

Imposter syndrome at it’s worst, this is a really hard one to fathom after my confidence took a knock yesterday.

Dating tales.

Part of me thought I could use my experience of dating online to draw upon for stories.

Yet today, after being cancelled on by a gorgoeus guy (they all seem so flaky) all I can feel is sadness and let down.  Crappy feeling.

You see what doesn't help is the fact that I have to go into hospital tomorrow to have a proceedure done and I'm feeling vunerable and lonesome. Some of these guys are really great people. The way I see it, if they wanted to reach out to me, they would, they certainly wouldn't be forgetting that we organised to meet or even that I have text them and they owe me one back.  It's frustrating, time consuming and definitely not the greatest way forward when we are discusssing the ego and self beleif which I so often do now on this blog.

Perhaps there is the new book right there. A load of 'how to's' possibly and I know this will need lots of updates and editions and of course should I end up meeting 'that guy' I will have to draw the research to a close haha, I just made myself grin and laugh a little in the middle of the coffee shop as I write....what even is this? I'm not so sure I can figure it out at all.  What even is this blog post? What even am I posting? I know, let's go and grab a hot chocolate right before a nap and then that long awaited emergency surgery thing tomorrow.

Steinbeck had his blocks too!

1999 saw me keep a detailed journal of my time trying to get pregnant, becoming pregnant and single all at the same time.

Feeling more than sure this would make a compelling story, I decided to use it for the majority of my postgrad writings on this incredible Creative Writing course.  Still, I am loving it. Despite some health challenges making me think I should stop and purely focus on what is going on in my life in relation to health.  No.  Definitely not going to stop.

But yet today, I am overly questioning my writing which I tend to do a reasonable amount and yet if I am completely transparent, what I really want to do is journal, and share my thinkings throughout life with my readers.  What's stopping me?  Overthinking! Just like Steinbeck did.

Who is Steinbeck?

Certain details within this course are becoming apparent to me.  

1. I love to journal

2. Many other successful writers did this too!

Steinbeck was one of them and there is an incredible piece you can read here which has just motivated me to think it's totally ok to write as if its a journal. I just need to tweak certain parts to make it more creative as opposed to "I did this/went here/said that"

I got this; Right?

Happy new year

Oh Gosh, is it really the new year?

I can't quite believe we have just celebrated another Christmas and another new year is here.

The MA has been seriously taking up some blogging time and it's all good as it is something I'm seriously enjoying but I have just spent the past few days submitting one 10,000 words of research.  Much as I have loved it, it's now time to apply for the phd and I feel a little blogging time is needed first!


So much has been happening in my personal life and it's not something i want to share online right now.  Maybe ever. But suffice to say I have lots of juggling going on between me, my thoughts, my career and my personal life.

Anyway, its literally the most tiny update - Happy new year x

Magic is unfolding

It's been a while since i have felt such strong manifestations around certain things.  I mean, not so long really but like.....maybe since 3 weeks. 

Those manifestations that come to fruition and make you shake your head in disbelief (even if, by now you should always trust the universe) and smile as wide as the cheshire cat.  
This happened to me today.  All about 50 shades of Grey.  So...what happened is this.  

We have an essay to write as a critical essay.  In other words, what was written well, not so well and all other controversial topics around it.  Being of the romance genre, I decided I wanted to ask the question to the academic if this could possibly be around the topic of 50 shades of Grey! 

* What made it so popular if it wasn't great literature?
* How was the film adapted in order to make the story more convincing?
* What arguments have been had around this publication?

Happy, happy me, I saw a reply to my email of yesterday from the tutor.  He used exclamation marks a plenty as he said, "I'm already excited to read this as the biggest publishing phenomenon since Harry Potter."  The email went on full of valid points that mean little to me at the moment but no doubt will become clear as I begin to research. 
Excusing myself from my mothers attentions at the lunch table (I was on a short fuse with her) as I replied to this exciting email that made me grin from ear to ear and as I clicked SEND, the music in the restaurant clicked on to the next track.

"Love me like you do." OMG seriously?  This was the title track to 50 shades! You have seriously got to be kidding me?!!!


Thank you, for this validation. I am on the right track with my career path, I can feel it with all of my being.  Never has my author journey felt so juicy. 

Phd open day

Returning from an open day at my choice of uni here in Kent, I can't help but feel very floaty.

Grey buildings which looked a little ugly and industrial were ignored as I walked into the conference suite which had grass on the walls as artwork.  It was beautiful.  The place felt nice. The coffee smelt welcoming.  The English literature stand saw me gaining a helpful email address for the postgraduate administration team.  That'll be useful.  I also have a name of a potential supervisor who already has my email sitting in his inbox.  He teaches life writing, biography and memoir - perfect!

Following this skippy trip to the heart of Kent, I returned to my local town to pop in and say Hi to my fellow ambassadors.  This is the first day I have missed working an open day and it's sad but times move on.

During a conversation with one of the people who work in the recruitment department, I was invited to do some public speaking as an Alumni for the STEM (science, technology, engineering and maths) recruitment days.  With bells on! I'm there.

This is a good day in relation to all these things. I'm always great at being an ambassador or being a good person to talk to yet....the actual work eludes me right now. Which is tricky.  I need to crack on and start churning some more work out. Sooner rather than later.

Is my personal life getting in the way?  Should I possibly simply quit any other sort of life and become a workaholic once again?

A head in the clouds.

On my Youtube channel we have been discussing the fact that I'm starting dating.

Well, yes, this seems irrelevant to blog writing about writing and my work in progress but you see it is actually very relevant indeed! Not only am I now opening myself up to experience matters of the heart once again but I am also opening up to sitting here in the library falling asleep at the keyboard!

My writing seems to have come to a slight standstill and I'm concerned.  The MA at university has been good for so many reasons but also has stopped my creative flow as I am now having to think hard about what I am doing and I'm swaying away from my genre on multiple regular occasions.  Should I just ignore the bits I don't feel like doing and crack on with the others?

Aiming for a good blog and Youtube audience is something which has always been on my radar and I could edit and write blogs all day, every day. As well as my stories of course.  Perhaps taking things down the academic route is something which might be disrupting my flow.  Even now, sitting here freewriting to you guys with the flying fingers over the keyboard, I feel happy.  Tired, but happy.

The issue with dating and being a person who paints these pictures in her head of exactly what happened when (it's the writer in me I'm sure!) I find my head is in the clouds and studying seems to elude me.  Today is no exception.

Trying to research settings and places within my MA is not really where I want to be right now. So do I quit for the day, go home, watch TV and doze with my dog and my daughter?  Of course not, I have said this absolutely every day this week.  Nothing has got done. It's all so slow to flow.  Crazy.

My other issue is getting to the gym.  I'm so motivated right now to work hard and get myself as strong as I can be.  Another hospital letter dropped through the letter box, enlightening me to the fact that my Ankylosing Spondylitis is also now in my knees. So I really must put health as a number one without any doubt. Nothing else can come first.

Don't get me wrong, while last nights gentleman who has put those clouds over my head was extremely lovely, I'm now left here wondering if everything was ok or should I give up the entire thing and push on with my work.  Guys mess with my head.  But times when you just sit together chatting, loving, eating and drinking is so indulgent and precious and I totally love that.  For me, it was escapism. Not only did I need it but it was completely consuming.

Work?  Or life?  Big question.