The Flu brings clarity.

Is it flu or Covid? The PCR test will confirm that, but I lay here with aches through my body but the clearest mind in a long time.

Throwing myself from pillow to pillow last night, I was frustrated at the lack of sleep, and aware that I wasn't feeling very well. In my slumber, I heard a voice, telling me to do less, much less. It was the clearest voice in a long time.

I had hairdressing clients booked in today and Saturday; meetings, a chapter to write by the end of the month for my PhD, house to clean, eBay stuff to sell, and let's not get started on Mum and the care I need to do for her.

I was going to cancel everything and spend the next two weeks working from home and writing, but first, a couple of days off to get over this flu. I felt like it was a promise to myself. I have worked hard over the years, my body is screaming at me to stop, slow down, do what I absolutely love to do. I'm not going to last forever, none of us is. 

Wayne Dyer says, 'don't die with the music still in you,' and that's me and my books. I want and need to get them written and get them out there.

Self-doubt creeps in as I figure out what my Instagram page should look like if I'm a non-fiction author (and only a non-fiction author). The investment business is going ok, it should be making a profit within the next 4 years but it might not be enough to sustain things. Although I truly want to write the books, I want to promote that online life. Not interested in teaching people how to invest in property, even though I could. 

The voice was loud. And I woke with clarity.

The PhD is a passion. It's something that will teach me a lot about writing, academically, and getting published in all those places.  But, I'm definitely not going to do much with it after the PhD. I want to get my stories published and out there. and I will. 

I realised I hadn't heard back from the hospital. It was 15 days since my MRI. The one where they were looking for osteosarcoma. I couldn't get through on the phone. So I emailed the lady I had been speaking to. She was amazing. She was in a meeting when my email arrived and she quickly called me back. They had reviewed my MRI the day before and they were confident there was no malignancy! I smiled and blinked. Incredible. That means I get to keep my arm. I might need surgery. They aren't sure they can get me back to my full movement and omit the pain in my shoulder. And we have no idea what caused it. I'm going to suggest inflammation.  I need to work on that. Lose weight, be happier, drink less milk, lower my stress. It will all help, I know this. it's my area of expertise. 

Hearing all this news has me visualising myself at my desk, writing and formatting books. I know I can do it now, I had a best seller in 2020. I have ideas and half-written books galore. it's time to get serious about living my dream life. 

A professor lived here

 After having to make a complete fuss, which I really don't like to do, I have collected a key for an office.

Hurrah. It was something I imagined when I first applied for the PhD. I was wondering how I could write in the cold months without a candle, being sure that this wouldn't be allowed for safety reasons. My daughter smartly suggested a battery operated candle, you know, the ones which look like they flicker.

This is a temporary arrangement. Just while they sort out something else. I'm not sure where that other space might be. Doesn't matter too much, as long as it's close enough to a toilet. But having a key to an office means I can come in early, if early calls me, and start doing something. That might be a writing project, or something YouTuber-y. Not sure yet. I'm still trying to find a balance between doing the work I need to do for University and the work I'm doing for myself. Both are important. And I do need to work harder and smarter -100%.

There are a couple of trips coming up which will give me some time to listen to some audio books, read a little, Vlog and create some book material. That excites mean. Meanwhile, this dusty office seems to need a good clean. Next to me is the name of the Professor who was the bellowing gent everyone feared. A chemistry expert, who has retired now, and this was his office. His scribblings on the white board in front of me show reactions of RMgBr+NaCNBr and a whole load of OH...hydrogen peroxide, I think, if my undergrad science brain serves me right. 

It's nice in here. Dusty, but nice. And as I have just heard that I'm not back in the Covid safe role after this week, I'd best settle in for now. 

Writing effectively during your PhD

 Writing effectively during your PhD

 

Trying to cover everything will make your work seem diluted and the point you are trying to make will not be as strong as it needs to be. Sitting on the fence, or writing passively will make your work seem less convincing and actually, pretty descriptive. Descriptive is not the point. 

 

Position and perspective is the basis of the argument. It does not mean you are biased. Your opinion should reflect your engagement with, and embeddedness within the academic literature of the field 

 

The take-home message, or outcome, is the most important thing of all when you are writing a thesis. If you know the end destination, you can walk the reader through the points you are making. It often helps to imagine who your target audience is, or what the reader is like. You can go as far as to create a complete profile for this person, to make your message clearer. Give them a name, age, description, what their background is and what they want to gain from reading your paper. 

 

If you find that writing a chapter might be unclear in your mind, the structure is often the problem. Mind maps are good for getting ideas out of your head and onto the page, but when you are aiming for a plan, draw a starting point, and endpoint and fill the blanks linearly. Easier and clearer for you and therefore, your reader. Aim for the endpoint. What is your endpoint? What is your ‘so what?’

Ensuring Covid safety in the Library.

 Perfect. Perfect manifestation and perfect chance to do what I need.

 

Working from the library, well I say working, I am making sure people have their masks on properly and are socially distancing themselves from each other. May 2021. We are not far off of being out of lockdown. But this library is open, I am the person being paid to ensure Covid safety but at the same time, I can continue with my research. Wonderful.

Walking up and down and round and round takes about 1500 steps. So, I work for an hour, walk the steps, enforce what I need to, go to the loo, remove my mask, drink a bottle of water and get back to my desk to sit for another hour of research.  Today, it’s ethics, 

 

This is the perfect job. Working at home was less productive than it should have been.  So, I’m counting my blessings for sure. 

 

The sun is streaming into the light brick building today. As I walk, I see historic photos all around of a naval time gone by. Beautiful.

 

“erm…” I began,

“Yeah, listen up, before you need to get all aggy, innit, I am just….gotta ask him summin innit,” the student said as he saw me approaching with my clipboard and lanyard of officiality around my neck.

“and that mask needs to be up over your nose,”

He fiddled with it a bit, “ahh yeah, sorry about that,” his London accent shone through.

“What you studying?” I asked and before he had a chance to answer I continued, “ not biomedical sciences? Else you would know that a virus goes in your nose, and out of it,” his mate sniggered behind me.

“Yeah, no not Biomed, I’m one of the ones saving the lives innit.”

“Pharmaceutical science? Yeah well, let's hope that saves lives shall we?” 

His mate chucked and sniggered, They both did. They know, like me, that we just don’t know enough about these things right now. But we have to do what we can.

 

Science library. Feels a bit like a bit of me. Then I wander on and stumble to the area labelled, “Journalism, Psychology, Philosophy,” that’s a bit of me too. 

PhD starts here!

 PhD starts here

 

Awake fifteen minutes later than I asked my subconscious to rise, I remembered. You know that few minutes between being awake and the time when all feel peaceful? I smiled at that feeling. 

Ph.D. researcher. In a subject which I think, and hope, I’ll love. 

 

My routine was planned. Up at six, bath bomb bath, make up, dressed, kettle, at my desk by seven for an hour writing and journaling before beginning the new role at eight. 

Today, it’s registration. 

 

That wasn’t going well. They had stated that I had a ‘pass’ on my MA results. Cheek! It was 1% from a distinction.  So made a note in the ‘notes’ section. Informing them that it was a Merit. And that put a halt to everything! The system didn’t like my justice. It said I was unable to register.

 

I didn’t quite know who I should ring about the registration issue, but I tried lots of different numbers. After lots of holding, listening to the same tune over and over (which amused me), I managed to get hold of a very helpful lady. I didn’t quite catch her name with her accent, and I didn’t quite catch the department that she said I should be speaking to either. It was tricky for me to try and understand what she was saying,

“can you spell that please?” I asked, but even with the spelling, I didn’t understand. Even she said she doesn’t know what it stands for. I used the email address she had given me and tried to contact them to say that there was a problem with my registration.

 

Despite my best efforts to get the registration done nothing seemed to happen by the end of the day, I promised myself I would finish at 2 o’clock. Just before five, I started to pack up for the day. I felt it prudent to tidy my desk, take away the empty cups, throw the matches in the bin, from the morning when I lit a candle. I would know that by the following day I will could begin with a tidy desk.

 

I’d forgotten that I had Mike Dooley‘s course in the evening which was all about manifestations. That was golden. He told me things that I didn’t think I hadn’t known about the law of attraction, and manifestations, and at the end of the course which was an hour and a half long I had ascertained what I needed. I was about to get very general about what I wanted. It turns out I want to live in complete bliss and joy. And I began to wonder if the frustrations from the registration situation had got me in a place where I was too late to turn back.  Was this going to fill me with bliss? I wasn’t sure of the answer yet, but I did know this was absolutely the best scenario for me to be in. Oh, my undergraduate science degree didn’t quite fit it didn’t quite suit me, it didn’t quite seem to be gelling as well as I would’ve liked to. I think because I was possible least that it’s not just about one thing for one solution it’s about a holistic approach and they didn’t seem to agree with me with that in the science department sometimes. However, now we can look at things as a holistic approach with this new Ph.D. system, as well as bringing in the creative writing skills that I gained from my MA. With the MA it seemed that that course was better suited to those who wrote fiction. But for me it’s all about life stories, that’s all I read, it’s all I ever seem to want to write about as well. Although I have enjoyed dabbling in some fiction, non fiction is my ideal scenario. It’s great to play with stories and characters, and live out fantasies through them. Ultimately talking phenomenology of Covid and Crohn’s patients is going to be ideal. It brings in mindset and belief systems and perception. Wayne Dyer said, open “when you change the way you look at things, so things you look at change.” 

I loved his work. He was so gentle. And I really do believe that you can change the way things are by the way that you look at them. Although I must be super careful that I don’t bring this into my PhD work as the Ph.D. participants are sharing their own experience, And I need to tell the story as if it is their experience. So that the reader can walk in their shoes.

 

 

 

PhD meeting has happened

Fresh out of a meeting with my academics who were there to advise me on exactly what might be on offer to me in the way of a phd.  I was excited to go there and speak with them and it's always been the dream to get a doctorate and be known as the leading expert on my subject.

However, I just needed to cry it seems! Idiot! Yes, I sat there and cried.

MY IVF story will be the subject I speak about in my phd and the book couldn't be published until after this time which will take 3-5 years.
Do I have that kind of time? I don't know.  Will I live that long? I don't know. If not, then I am going to die with the book still in me.


No way José.

This book needs writing and it's a good thing that they think it is so commercial that it is definitely worth getting it written and getting myself an agent at this point in time.

At the end of the day, this might be the end of my academic career.  But I just got a post graduate masters degree with a brilliant percentage and I need to be proud of that. With all that has gone on too.  But I can't help but be a little upset that I am leaving it here.  However, I do suspect they are right and that it's exactly the right thing to do for my career.

That said, the actual art of writing has been so difficult of late to get down onto paper as things are going on in life with Mum and the kids and house stuff too.  I can do this I'm sure.  But I need to get away and the academics suggested that is what all writers do too. I'm going to be doing that from now...

So, for now, no phd, but very much a lot of writing and searching for agents too.

I got this.  Time to dry my tears.]

I passed my MA!!!

Yesterday, shockingly, I saw a facebook post from one of my fellow students wishing,
     "Those who are getting results today good luck!"
     "Are we?" I asked with an open mouth and he said yes.
Instantly I looked and after trying to get online for Half an hour, I saw it, there was my mark for my dissertation.  Some quick mental maths and I think I have finished with a merit, close to distinction (I was hoping for distinction) and I am a very happy writer!!!

I'm a writer!


Oh gosh.

So it's time to begin thinking about the future and where I would like to be with all of this and to be honest, I really think I will be more open to accepting a publishing deal if one was offered.  This is something I wasn't sure about before.  My life seems to be moving in a direction I hadn't expected before as my children grow into adults and I settle into accepting support for managing a demanding mother. This might well be my time around about now.

The experts who know all about writing seem to have validated my skill of writing by giving me some amazing marks. So why not go for it!

Writing where I do it best

Can't sleep, so coffee, morning pages and a comfy purple sofa

Who am I?

Who even am I?

Yesterday saw an inspiring day at the Excel center for the summer in the city event.  Brilliant.

I arrived there feeling like I looked good, was confident and totally ready to embrace the learning that the event was about to bring me.  Yet I heard more about creating a niche than ever (They are right of course, but it left me feeling confused) and I also left feeling old.

Knowing I’m a sensitive soul is one thing, but Jasmine and I went to a stand to talk to someone about their merch and instantly they assumed I was her manager. Not that I might be a creator in my own right. Well I am.  And a monetized one too. People want to see my videos every week and also I have loads of people wanting to read my stories I write.  As well as very popular Facebook groups for those travelling to the hotels I travel to.

“Oh no she has her own channel too,” Jasmine said.

“Oh God, my dad has a channel and it’s so embarassing.” Said the other lady.  Was I embarrassing then? Jesus. What an awful thing to say. I thought I was a cool person.

Mum and Dad always critisied me and it has taken so much work to get myself to the place of not feeling like that anymore but one small comment and I’m right back there again.

Leaving feeling kinda ok, looking forward to chatting to someone I met on a dating app later in the evening with excitement, I was then met with a morning of waking up today feeling blue and grumpy.  After a conversation with the guy and feeling it didn’t go well, again, I just was swept into a downward spiral of feeling unwanted, good for nothing, unloved and useless.

Of course this isn’t an actual fact, it’s just how I’m feeling right now.  The sooner the feeling passes the better.

People seem to think I’m perfect, strong and indestructible. I’m not.  I’m trying hard to be all things to all people but it’s a struggle.

Now I have posed the question of

1.     am I a travel vlogger

2.     am I a writer

and I am yet to find the answer. The online poll I did saw people suggest I’m a writer which was sweet.  Settling into writing stories is something I would completely love of course but the belief that this is going to be enough on its own is a totally difficult belief in its own right.

If this is what people want, is this now who I am?  The academics at university seem to think so, so perhaps I should think so too.

Imposter syndrome at it’s worst, this is a really hard one to fathom after my confidence took a knock yesterday.

Dating tales.

Part of me thought I could use my experience of dating online to draw upon for stories.

Yet today, after being cancelled on by a gorgoeus guy (they all seem so flaky) all I can feel is sadness and let down.  Crappy feeling.

You see what doesn't help is the fact that I have to go into hospital tomorrow to have a proceedure done and I'm feeling vunerable and lonesome. Some of these guys are really great people. The way I see it, if they wanted to reach out to me, they would, they certainly wouldn't be forgetting that we organised to meet or even that I have text them and they owe me one back.  It's frustrating, time consuming and definitely not the greatest way forward when we are discusssing the ego and self beleif which I so often do now on this blog.

Perhaps there is the new book right there. A load of 'how to's' possibly and I know this will need lots of updates and editions and of course should I end up meeting 'that guy' I will have to draw the research to a close haha, I just made myself grin and laugh a little in the middle of the coffee shop as I write....what even is this? I'm not so sure I can figure it out at all.  What even is this blog post? What even am I posting? I know, let's go and grab a hot chocolate right before a nap and then that long awaited emergency surgery thing tomorrow.

Steinbeck had his blocks too!

1999 saw me keep a detailed journal of my time trying to get pregnant, becoming pregnant and single all at the same time.

Feeling more than sure this would make a compelling story, I decided to use it for the majority of my postgrad writings on this incredible Creative Writing course.  Still, I am loving it. Despite some health challenges making me think I should stop and purely focus on what is going on in my life in relation to health.  No.  Definitely not going to stop.

But yet today, I am overly questioning my writing which I tend to do a reasonable amount and yet if I am completely transparent, what I really want to do is journal, and share my thinkings throughout life with my readers.  What's stopping me?  Overthinking! Just like Steinbeck did.

Who is Steinbeck?

Certain details within this course are becoming apparent to me.  

1. I love to journal

2. Many other successful writers did this too!

Steinbeck was one of them and there is an incredible piece you can read here which has just motivated me to think it's totally ok to write as if its a journal. I just need to tweak certain parts to make it more creative as opposed to "I did this/went here/said that"

I got this; Right?

Happy new year

Oh Gosh, is it really the new year?

I can't quite believe we have just celebrated another Christmas and another new year is here.

The MA has been seriously taking up some blogging time and it's all good as it is something I'm seriously enjoying but I have just spent the past few days submitting one 10,000 words of research.  Much as I have loved it, it's now time to apply for the phd and I feel a little blogging time is needed first!


So much has been happening in my personal life and it's not something i want to share online right now.  Maybe ever. But suffice to say I have lots of juggling going on between me, my thoughts, my career and my personal life.

Anyway, its literally the most tiny update - Happy new year x

Magic is unfolding

It's been a while since i have felt such strong manifestations around certain things.  I mean, not so long really but like.....maybe since 3 weeks. 

Those manifestations that come to fruition and make you shake your head in disbelief (even if, by now you should always trust the universe) and smile as wide as the cheshire cat.  
This happened to me today.  All about 50 shades of Grey.  So...what happened is this.  

We have an essay to write as a critical essay.  In other words, what was written well, not so well and all other controversial topics around it.  Being of the romance genre, I decided I wanted to ask the question to the academic if this could possibly be around the topic of 50 shades of Grey! 

* What made it so popular if it wasn't great literature?
* How was the film adapted in order to make the story more convincing?
* What arguments have been had around this publication?

Happy, happy me, I saw a reply to my email of yesterday from the tutor.  He used exclamation marks a plenty as he said, "I'm already excited to read this as the biggest publishing phenomenon since Harry Potter."  The email went on full of valid points that mean little to me at the moment but no doubt will become clear as I begin to research. 
Excusing myself from my mothers attentions at the lunch table (I was on a short fuse with her) as I replied to this exciting email that made me grin from ear to ear and as I clicked SEND, the music in the restaurant clicked on to the next track.

"Love me like you do." OMG seriously?  This was the title track to 50 shades! You have seriously got to be kidding me?!!!


Thank you, for this validation. I am on the right track with my career path, I can feel it with all of my being.  Never has my author journey felt so juicy. 

Phd open day

Returning from an open day at my choice of uni here in Kent, I can't help but feel very floaty.

Grey buildings which looked a little ugly and industrial were ignored as I walked into the conference suite which had grass on the walls as artwork.  It was beautiful.  The place felt nice. The coffee smelt welcoming.  The English literature stand saw me gaining a helpful email address for the postgraduate administration team.  That'll be useful.  I also have a name of a potential supervisor who already has my email sitting in his inbox.  He teaches life writing, biography and memoir - perfect!

Following this skippy trip to the heart of Kent, I returned to my local town to pop in and say Hi to my fellow ambassadors.  This is the first day I have missed working an open day and it's sad but times move on.

During a conversation with one of the people who work in the recruitment department, I was invited to do some public speaking as an Alumni for the STEM (science, technology, engineering and maths) recruitment days.  With bells on! I'm there.

This is a good day in relation to all these things. I'm always great at being an ambassador or being a good person to talk to yet....the actual work eludes me right now. Which is tricky.  I need to crack on and start churning some more work out. Sooner rather than later.

Is my personal life getting in the way?  Should I possibly simply quit any other sort of life and become a workaholic once again?

A head in the clouds.

On my Youtube channel we have been discussing the fact that I'm starting dating.

Well, yes, this seems irrelevant to blog writing about writing and my work in progress but you see it is actually very relevant indeed! Not only am I now opening myself up to experience matters of the heart once again but I am also opening up to sitting here in the library falling asleep at the keyboard!

My writing seems to have come to a slight standstill and I'm concerned.  The MA at university has been good for so many reasons but also has stopped my creative flow as I am now having to think hard about what I am doing and I'm swaying away from my genre on multiple regular occasions.  Should I just ignore the bits I don't feel like doing and crack on with the others?

Aiming for a good blog and Youtube audience is something which has always been on my radar and I could edit and write blogs all day, every day. As well as my stories of course.  Perhaps taking things down the academic route is something which might be disrupting my flow.  Even now, sitting here freewriting to you guys with the flying fingers over the keyboard, I feel happy.  Tired, but happy.

The issue with dating and being a person who paints these pictures in her head of exactly what happened when (it's the writer in me I'm sure!) I find my head is in the clouds and studying seems to elude me.  Today is no exception.

Trying to research settings and places within my MA is not really where I want to be right now. So do I quit for the day, go home, watch TV and doze with my dog and my daughter?  Of course not, I have said this absolutely every day this week.  Nothing has got done. It's all so slow to flow.  Crazy.

My other issue is getting to the gym.  I'm so motivated right now to work hard and get myself as strong as I can be.  Another hospital letter dropped through the letter box, enlightening me to the fact that my Ankylosing Spondylitis is also now in my knees. So I really must put health as a number one without any doubt. Nothing else can come first.

Don't get me wrong, while last nights gentleman who has put those clouds over my head was extremely lovely, I'm now left here wondering if everything was ok or should I give up the entire thing and push on with my work.  Guys mess with my head.  But times when you just sit together chatting, loving, eating and drinking is so indulgent and precious and I totally love that.  For me, it was escapism. Not only did I need it but it was completely consuming.

Work?  Or life?  Big question.

Testimonials I received in the last 24 hours!

I still can't believe I'm living this dream! 

I'm an author!  Life feels incredible right now. 

Here is what they are saying:

“Loved it, thanks Louise.” Sue Trevor.

“I love that melancholy mixed with hope! For me it echoes with those first love feelings - the uncertainty mixed with exhilaration!” Raphaelle.

“So honest,” Amy.

“Louise has written a powerful, honest and emotive piece 

on how university had an impact on her.” Kallie, Editor of UnifiedFem

“Wow that’s amazing writing. You are very talented.” Barbara.

Blown away by the response my writing is getting! And Letter to my future spouse

Goodness me. What is going on?  Like, people are stopping me to tell me how awesome I am.

My writing is gathering momentum and I am publishing in the award winning uni mag now.  I'm loving it quite frankly.  Never did I imagine the dream might come into fruition.

Over the next few blog posts I will share what has been going on.

But for now, my new submission which has just been accepted is this one:

Letter to my future spouse.

What do you think you are doing?

Coming into my life and disrupting my plans.

I mean, so much hurt from my past. Of course the barriers are up.  Who could blame me?  By now you will know the stories, back to back.  You might be shocked to know I left some details out which I thought might be too painful for you to hear.  I even thought you might not believe me.

Even before you came along, I refused to be a man hater.  Knowing that all the human race is/was different.  I can only guess that now you are in my life (messing up my plans for a ‘cold heart for the rest of my life’) I did actually manage to find someone more than half decent.  Someone chivalrous, who treats me like a lady at the right times, like his girl the other times. Causing silly eye twinkles and grins that speak volumes. 

Actually, I know half decent doesn’t go any way towards describing you.  If you are now my guy (which you are, because you’re reading this) you will know my standards are pretty high. 

Sorry.  Sorry about that. 

Self-preservation I guess. 

Snapping at you unnecessarily might be the order of the day. That’s just me being afraid.  Please let me blow that hot air out. Then let me say sorry – and please accept my apology.   Of course I’m nervous of you.  Gee whizz you stole my icy heart.  How did that even happen?

Remember I don’t need promises of forever or that everything will be perfect.  What I need is you giving me perfect moments that I will lock away to remember when I sit in that rocking chair and smile to myself.  Your arms around me, making me feel that just for that moment, I am the most important person in your world.  Coffee dates and Sunday morning sofa snuggles.  Wine and firelight.  Music and laughter.  These are the plain and simple things that make us smile.

We have a wonderful future of making memories.  I’ll take nothing for granted.  I’ll promise not to take you for granted.  My best memory of you so far?  That long text chat we had, you remember the day?  When I was so down and filtering over the past hurts with sadness.  Do you remember what you said?  Thank you for that memory babe. It’s etched into me as (likely) the most powerful sentence a guy has ever said to me,

“You have to let me be ‘not that guy’”.

Mental health magazine publication

Did I mention I write for the Uni Magazine which is actually way more than a uni mag?

This is the article that started to get me noticed.  I love it!

To read it on their online magazine, click here

University might not have caused my mental health issues, but it brought them to the surface. It was a painful experience but now I know this was totally necessary to move forward. Here’s my story.

”These will help,” said the doctor who prescribed me anti-depressants. Who actually wants to hold out their hand and accept they have to take those? My inner soul sighed. Where had the old me gone?

Those days of ‘black cloud’ moments were becoming increasingly worrying. Trying to describe the feeling was crazy. It’s an empty void rather than total despair, although those moments had been flitting in and out too. Feeling thankful for my inner support network, I knew I wasn’t in overly terrible danger. Yet, this wasn’t something I could take for granted.

If the pills helped and saw me finish my degree, then why not give them a shot?

According to the Higher Education Statistics Agency, the number of students who disclosed a mental health condition almost doubled between 2012 and 2015 to nearly 45,000.

How had I reached this point? So blue. Not in control of my crazy emotions. I was always the strong one. I had dealt with massive life challenges like single parenthood and breezed through it. So how was I struggling so much with the science I was hoping to learn? Why had it tipped me over the edge?

I reached out, but the help I asked for mostly fell into a vortex of nothingness.

Until the university got involved and put me forward for counselling. Oh goodness, did this bring up some crazy stuff! Not realising those thoughts I had always had were not normal, but in fact  they were anxiety. Then we ended up knowing I was ‘ruminating’ – which was a word I had to Google. It’s a posh word for over-thinking.

Yes that is me. We ended up bringing up a lot of my childhood stuff and how I had been parented. Which is something I still struggle with but I know I can’t change what happened. Only how I now try to tackle it. They were wrong, my parents. They should have told me they loved me and are proud of me, and encouraged my dreams.

Things could have been worse.

Excited to finish my undergrad, I was super ready to step into a less stressful situation with my MA which was a total lifelong dream of becoming a full-time writer. Yet that very first day, familiar feelings came up. Shocked to the core I had to acknowledge the university had been nothing less than perfect and these feelings were totally mine to own.

So now it was about ‘learning to dance in the rain’, knowing there were going to be good times and bad times.

Riding this wave of life. Rollercoaster riding with white knuckles. When I’m up, I’m up. I need to soak those images creating the good memories into a photographic brain to store away and hopefully use as my rocking chair memories.

Knowing that without those down times, life would be flat and unrecognisable in the up times.

After a few years of down moments, I write with joy in saying today is an up day. I smile needlessly with a thought and a stomach flip and these are thoughts I will cherish.