I'm single

I didn't mention this on here before.

I'm single.

It's hard and it's easy.  Life is easier but I miss him.  My best friend.
I'm not looking to replace him and I didn't think this was the place to talk about it. Yet reading through a past email I mentioned him.  so, the update is, we are now just friends...

Enough about that...

I wish I had known this before - life now makes sense

Finishing a day of hairdressing.  Ugh.  Lovely people, easy work (after doing it all these years) but just ugh.

I'm tired.  Feeling weak.  Need to sleep.  I took myself to the cemetery today to visit Dad.  I was so tired I set my alarm and slept in the car for half an hour before I was off to my next clients.

Recently, I: have been soul searching, jeez I always seem to soul search.  The answers are now coming.  Yesterday I went along to a medium for a reading. A respected person who is well known in his field.  He was amazing.  I felt at home for a couple of hours. It's totally changed a lot.
During the reading he asked if I'm a counsellor.  "Well, no, but I am a kind of coach" I informed him. Not quite knowing how to put it.
By the end of this genius reading I had the guy asking me for help with his words.  He wanted me to coach him.  He is blind.  He could only form an opinion of me by everything other than sight.  Anyhow I digress.  Driving around today I have had time to think between clients.  Looking back to old old times, we took time to groom ourselves, to cook properly, to eat well, to sleep.  Now it's all stress and hustle and bustle.  My crohns gut can't handle it. I'm super tired constantly.  I need help with my diet, my house.  I am hiding out here in Marks and Spencer cafe as I can't face going home.  Its chaos there.  Along side that reason, I just really wanted to write a bit....you understand.  You know me well enough by now to know I just have a need to write.

Finally I have figured stuff out.  I am a person who used to get so much out of working like a horse but that was all i ever did. I ate on the job, I was cooked for, I didn't have to shop, the house didn't get messy as I was never there.  Now, I have a messy house which gets messy when I'm not there yet it's up to me to sort it.  I am not that well. I'm trying to sort mums life out.  Selling her house, as well as the contents of it.  It's all too much.

Now, with the coach comment and the fact of how I feel I know where I'm going and what I'm doing.  I'm going to coach folks on a retreat. This is a retreat I will own.  We will talk all sorts of things.  I will swim at the pool.  I will walk in the nature. I will write and eat healthily.  I wish I had the words to describe how I feel but it's like I'm in heaven. Life is taking me to an amazing place I have never felt I have been before.  It's making sense.  Finally.

Failed! Yo-yo feelings...

So yes that letter came and I heard I had failed.  NOT passed.  Remember?

So today I head to university feeling very sorry for myself, not sure if I should throw things in, defer a year or what.  Today was/is an open day for the university and I stepped into my uniform of the student ambassador that I negatively am and arrived feeling heated.  After tears from me (as the boss put her arms around me) and another sad face from my co-worker Sharon (lovely lady) I realised I was not going to be able to keep it together. I offered to go home.  No they said. Now I'm glad they said no.  I had a great day; honestly!

Speaking to those of great intelligence and feeling inspired by those speaking of post grad qualifications, I felt and realised that I was in fact definitely one of those people who blows off hot stream in order to keep myself going.  You know one of those people who thrive and live off stress?  I hate to admit that as it's so super messed up.

Knowing that post grad applications need to go in by September, I decided I am going to go for it at the retake, make a good job of it, apply for post grad and see what happens. If the family needs me and I need to put the post grad stuff on hold, or of course I may decide I don't want to do it, then I can decide that later.

Today I remembered why I started university.  The people were awesome today.  The actual academic stuff is not why but the experience is.  For sure.  Loved it!

Failed year 2!!!!!!

You have NOT passed.

In capital letters.  Nice.  Cheers.

So helpful.  They don't give a crap!

All I have been through.  The death of Dad, the heart attack of mum,  myocarditis of husband, (Ish husband) and they write it in capital letters.

Ok it's sideways but you can still see the words NOT..

Jeez they said there would be nothing on metabolic disorders and there was.  One exam failed.  It wasn't even an exam, I passed that, it was a test....just a test....
Frigging lack of help.  Honestly.....

I'm so super angry.

I had extenuating circumstances on everything and still they wouldn't let that little 5% go....

5% damn you!

I hate the system, I hate that they speak so badly to everyone. I hate that they don't help and have no beating hearts inside them.  They are horrid people!
I started out on this course to stop myself pining for a baby.  Mum and Dad were travelling the world on their little journeys of life and now look.... yet no help at all.

Do I retake then defer year 3? I might.

Or get a girl friday for an apprentice to take care of mum, the house, the social media sharing?  That might be possible....hmm....options.  Now that feels better!

Last day of year 2

Who would have known when this journey began that I would have wished I was as slim as when I started?

I thought I was fat. 

Everyday I pulled on my jeans, put on my make up and straightened my hair to within an inch of its healthy life and I felt I wasn't enough.  I was wrong.

I was happy, carefree and I was good enough.
Looking back on selfies from 3 years ago, I looked healthier and fresher.  This is nothing to do with 3 years of history showing on my face.  Sonia, my PhD friend warned me that this process ages you.  She isn't wrong.

Part of me wouldn't mind.  If it were all worth it.  Yet is it?
What am I reaching for? To be called Dr? For someone to say, "Isn't she really smart?" To prove something to myself?  Well I was called Dr Usher yesterday! Got to laugh, I filled in a form online and decided it would be fun to select "Dr" instead of Mrs. They called me while Scott and I were in Marks and Spencer talking about #examgate (tell you in a minute!), "Is that Dr Usher?" I screwed my face up in fun and mouthed to Scott "Dr Usher" while pointing to the phone.

Beginning way back 4 years ago I had this crazy idea to get a degree. I had been searching for something. I wasn't too sure what.   After a heartbreak and the idea of giving up my dream for more children, I felt I needed something.  My children were 13 at the time and Dad was happy to step up and do a few school runs while Mum was going to start cleaning one day a week for me.  The old, sad heartbroken me was no more.
Fast forward to a couple of twins who need driving lessons and encouragement, a Dad who has passed away and a Mum with heart disease and dementia.  On top of all this, my healed heart is happy spending time with my Scott who has survived myocarditis.  It's all too surreal.  My daughter has had a particularly bad bout of glandular fever (mono) and as for me, more and more diagnosis are coming my way.  Ankylosing spondylitis as well as facet joint arthritis is giving me grief.  Then began the menstrual issues.  Thinking it was age, I got an innocent scan.
"You've got adenomyosis and must be in pain."  As well as that, I have got endometriosis back which haunted me for many pre-child years.  A lovely little chocolate cyst reminds me its there.  Of course the crohns is always my enemy and trying to get on top of allergies when my right eye constantly runs is all a nightmare.
I'm not sleeping past 5am as I am in the living room while Mum is upstairs in my comfy bed.
Who would have thought it?

Daring not to mention my dog Harley and his ulcer in his eye.
A middle of the night vet trip set me back a few quids! Bless him with his shivering temperature and closed eye. He was in so much pain.  Improving now but all thanks to the love I have extended to them all.  I'm shattered.

University has not been supportive hardly at all.  To be honest, one lady has.  She is my boss there.  She understands health struggles and she takes care of us.
My peers have patted me on the back and praised me for not quitting.
3 times I have been encouraged to 'interrupt my studies' but no. I think this far I may have done enough to pass.  Yet todays exam (nutrition) eludes me.

I have nothing more to give.  Honestly.  I have done with revision and I am hoping to go in and do enough to pass.

At this crazy 5.45am blog writing session I am thankful.
For you guys being there to let me get everything out of my head and onto paper. Therapy indeed.
Thankful for the opportunity to develop myself into someone I hadn't realised I was.  Apart from smart and good at maths, I know I have the love and strength in me that I was never praised for as a child.  Always feeling not good enough. I now believe I am good enough.  These struggles showed me that despite the turbulence, I can cope, I can do it well and I can be so loving at these times.

What I can't be is forgiving of university.  One rule for them, one rule for us.  They can use bad english and misspell words, heck they can even be rude in replying to an email.  Yet for us, no.  Don't even go there! Dare not to sign off with your name.  Crime committed.
They have almost ruined my life to the point it is genius.  Never before have I been clearer of where I am going and what I want.  Never before have I realised that even though people think they are better than us, they definitely aren't.
Highlighting that despite paying £9k a year in fees (making us a fantastic client for them) we could not expect good customer service. Woe betide us if we flashed that one at them.

What's it all about?  The journey.

Do I believe qualifications are the be all and end all?  No.  But I'm excited for the future experiences they have led me to.  Going to a place of knowing what I want is exciting!

Why you might be so miserable...

I am so miserable.  Really, really feel unhappy.

I can tell you what it is and likely you have the exact same reason.

You are not feeding your soul.


You know that feeling when you can smile inside?  For me it is stroking my dog or walking among trees.  Well everything feels different for me at that time. I'm sure there is some science in it.  The videos I watch say how you can change your cells with your thoughts...let me see if I can find one and insert it here.

Also, when I was walking within the countryside I could see myself fill up, just look at this video, you will see no glimmer of being miserable.

I do love Louise Hay, she talks about thoughts and how they can dominate our health.  I do agree with this stuff! 

I'm off to the JACUZZI.  This will fill me up for a couple of hours.  What about yourself? 

Revision: Activation of innate mechanism of immunity

Accuracy is not guaranteed, these are my revision notes.


Question:  Give an account of the activation of innate mechanisms of immunity and evaluate its role in ensuing inflammatory processes

The human body contains many physical barriers to infection and pathogens.  Skin is a major defence barrier.  Mucosal layers in membranes such as the gut, respiratory systems, digestive systems generally,  urinary tract are all protected by the physical barrier.  Eye fluid contains bacterial enzymes.
Peptides in skin prevent bacteria and fungi from entering broken, inflamed areas.  However, at  times, things go wrong.

* Pathogen enters intratissue space
Second lines of defence are needed and the toll like receptors give a reaction. (?)

1. Phagocytes engulf pathogens.
2. Neutrophils (the most abundant type of White Blood Cell) consume pathogens and disintegrate forming pus.
3.  Macrophages - move out of the blood to occupy tissues.  Uses cytoplasmic extensions to engulf and digest.
4. Natural Killer cells (NK cells) - patrol lymph and blood looking for abnormal cells.  Uniquely they can kill your own cells if they are infected with virus or have become cancerous.
- identified by MHC1 (lack of it)
-releases enzyme into the cell to trigger apoptosis.

Internal innate defences include
1. Fever
2. Chemical signals
3. Inflammation

Inflammatory response includes
-Redness
-Swelling
-Heat
-PAin

*Mast cells in connective tissues send out histamine which causes vasodilation.  Allowing more cells to the site to fight the pathogen.
*Heat increases metabolic rate so the cells can heal themselves faster.
*Swelling - forms scabs and triggers lymphatic system which cleans up fluid.
*inflammation also attracts phagocytes and lymphocytes
- neutrophils are beginning to die off at the stage
-skin cells release leukocytosis
-if overrun by virus or serious infection, the hypothalamus raises body temperature into fever.  This also flags the liver and spleen to hold onto iron and zinc which can't contribute to bacterial growth.

When things go wrong:

HIV -

Autoimmunity - attack 'self'