Post Christmas blues or lost my muse?

Needing to write an essay about the public health addressing issues relating to type 2 diabetes and physical activity, I'm just not feeling it.  Honestly.

Feeling super sure this would be something I would be so keen to get my teeth stuck into, I'm not sure why I feel like this.  Is it because I feel it will get a poor response? Like, we all work so hard (with little direction) simply to get a poor mark.  Perhaps it has knocked the stuffing out of me. Perhaps it is more simple than that, like I have family stuff taking my mental energy.

Constantly in the back of my mind I worry about them. As well as this, it's not like I desperately need this qualification to do what I want to do. So why make myself miserable.

Deciding I needed a mindset shift, this is what I decided.
The essays and reports I write will be going on my blog  - amazing - as I love blogging and it will also be my work so can go towards something better.  I also am spending a little time thinking of things I would hate to do rather more than writing this essay.  We have come up with so many suggestions, so many jobs which would have me thankful for sitting here in my luxury cabin with my Yankee Candle alight writing at my best computer twin screens. 

Darkness begins to fall.  My daughter has a kidney infection which i needed to diagnose and treat, allowing me a distraction.  
4 sub headings sit on my otherwise blank Word document. 

Reading government white papers isn't my favourite thing. My thing is one to one motivation.  "You can do this! Just do it."
Why not motivate myself?

The calendar tells me we have our last lecture in 13 weeks.  Counting down...

Fashionably early darling?

Is there such a thing as fashionably early?  WEll I'm early.  That NEVER happens!

Mrs ten minutes late, thats me.

Not tonightm you see, I am at university (hiding in the IT lab) right now as ther eis what I hope will be  a motivational everning ahead. So here I sit among the students who ar elikely to grafuate withj a first as I atten,pt to tpye (I'm used to a MAC keyboard) this little story in my little black dress

Jeez this dress has seen some action this year.  This is what I call my funeral dress.  Tonight I have dressed it down with boots and a jacket kind of like a blazer sort of thing and of course, the lanyard.
Sometimes I love my lanyard, its great to fiddle with and it also there are good days when it makes me feel 'part of something'. OTher days when I'm huffy, I wonder why we all need to be labelled as if we are in some clone country or soemting.  Gosh my writing this evening, Im sensing this is how I would write if I had some wine, yet that rarely happens.

So today, here I am at something called Greenwich portraits where they reveal photos taken of amazing people who are real achievers in this university of mine.  A few things they do really well here is plan stuff like this. SO I sense I am off for nibbles and a glass of soemthing in a flute and lots of happy smiles.
My anxiety is so much better than I can even begin to explain. Most days I feel like a different person. Like the person I wanted to be.  PErhaps its my hormones#/? DR says I'm definitely in my menopause.  IT seems to suit me. Maybe this will be my best time of my life... maybe this is what all the struggles were for.

Anyhow, it's almost 6pm and time for me to sass my way around the poshest, most beautiful room in uni....thanks for killing time with me these past ten minutes...x

No sleep and then a presentation

Do I laugh or cry?

I'm unsure if this is a funny story to look back on or a tragic one.  Let's try and keep it light and bright.  Therefore, the information contained within here might well not be at all scienfic! For purposes of entertainment, there may be exaggeration.

So once again Mum was in casualty.  It seems she might have some sort of issue going on with her brain which is no great surprise to me.  Since losing Dad a year ago to a brain stem stroke, I kind of knew some of the signs.

All night long we were in casualty and I had no sleep.  At all.

We had the 9am presentation and I had conversed with my chilled out partner Trev.  We would go first.  I left mum in accident and emergency and said I would be back as quickly as i could. This was important. It was for an exam.  So off I went.  Putting on a little lipstick along the way too!  That was the best I could do.

Hoping for a good -pass, I was disappointed that we went to all that effort for a measly 63%. It was good enough, definitely one of the better results we had in the year but still.

Anyway, main thing is mum was ok when I got back. We got home later that day. Not much they can do for her...

Have I lost the will to study?

A looming essay on Barkers Hypothesis is calling me.

Apparently, my peers are suggesting there is a lot to this essay and we need to create 3000 words on it. So here I am procrastinating.  Finding that I have so much else to do in the throes of buying and selling houses and creating myself a massive portfolio of properties which might actually mean this is my main source of income. 

Perhaps alleviating the need to earn money from nutrition has brought me back to a place once again of struggling to find the passion in anything other than life and writing.  I am still passionate about nutrition actually... A dietitian from the Westminster Hospital came and reminded us all of this yesterday.  She was so engaging and interesting and a blinking nice lady.

Leaves me confused...

Ok so rewind, this post is going to take a turn...I just took a break to get my coffee and head off to the 'careers advice' workshop.  Doubtless full of people learning how to behave in an interview etc?  Anyway at the coffee shop I bumped into my Phd friend who I will call Alex.  She was telling me how she has a few health struggles.  I cut to the chase and asked if she thinks this might be because of university and the stress that goes with it.
"Oh definitely."
"So tell me something, if you could go back in time would you still do your phd?"
'Honestly?..." she paused, "No."

I smiled at this epiphany moment.  We then went on to discuss what it is I would like to do in detail. Obviously she knows a lot about the implications of being credible and making sure I do my research.  Yet her advice was priceless.  We decided between us that I definitely do not need a Phd to undertake such a job.
Embarrassed to do so, I didn't go into the new news of me house buying and all that comes with it, including hopefully enough income to not have to worry too much about working.  (Blessed.) 

While I know I am in a position to grow my writing and reviewing business, I currently am also feeling very lucky to know this platform is already taking off to the level where I have enough faith that it can happen.  I'm feeling encouraged and positive.  

But I still need to write this essay on Barkers Hypothesis!  

From Phd fantasy to wanting to quit!

Sounding like a total nutcase, feeling like one too, I'm going to share my thoughts and feelings on the past few days.

Spending a good couple of days really researching deeply the courses I might want to undertake next year onwards, I felt excited.  The course material sounded interesting but then I realised the excitement comes from actually doing those bits of research and filling forms as opposed to the actual work.  Procrastinating on my deadlines which were looming for the uni work I need to do here and now, I stumbled over my own thoughts.

Knowing that there will be one day soon when Mum has had her time on this earth, the twins are flying the nest and my life seems more empty, I felt excited to be pursuing a career path once again.
It didn't occur to me that I might well get that same feeling from doing the thing which is my dream.

So off i have trotted into the world of application forms and personal statements.
Imperial College London, one of the top universities in the world. Clinical Research Phd for me, Diabetes and Obesity.  Ideal
Kings College London, Dietetics PgDip.
London Met, Dietetics Msc
Plus I have been already enrolled on a course at my own uni.  A masters which is worth a few grand to me too.

This morning I left with a spring in my step. Feeling smart these days, loving my work.

Meeting Jasmine for lunch, more springing, despite the bad back.

Walking around uni to the tune of 'hi louise' and smiles and nods (my ambassador role introduces me to many people I otherwise wouldn't have met) I was feeling fantastic.

The afternoon lecture was about obesity.  Great. I love this subject.
"Hey friends." I smiled at the Six Packs.
Have I told you about the six packs?  There are six of us and we are tight.  Close, helpful, loving and tight.  A great group.

Understanding the subject, asking sensible questions, answering many questions, our lecturer made me frown inside as she kept referring to 'people of colour' which I was unsure was racist or not.
Then, forgetting he was one of our fellow classmates in year one, she referred to someone as morbidly obese and kind of sneered about the fact he didn't agree with doing pharmacology so left the uni.  He was my friend  He's now at Kings.  Ha!  Well I was inwardly 'letting this go' as I was giving her a pinch of salt.
At the end of the lecture she kept me back.
"How do you think your presentation went the other day?"
"Yeah ok."
She frowned and proceeded to tell me that I had insufficient evidence backing up my review and therefore would be very disappointed with my disastrous mark.  I was struggling to hear this.  Already I had dragged myself in with three slipped discs, a menopause going on and lots of pain all over. Some of which was caused by the massive amount of painkillers I had taken to get me through this.  Not only did I: think I had done ok. I thought I had done WELL.

My peers had also congratulated me too.

I revised the subject for an entire day.  To create a disaster.
The angle she was speaking to me had a feeling of 'you might as well give up now'. She asked if I was prepared to let anyone look at my next piece of work as it was so important to get a good mark and turn it around.
Devastated.

Erase Erase Erase. It would be wrong of me to critique her here.  Unprofessional.  Yet I feel a sense of something so different between her and me.  Honestly.
Instantly I felt my mental health slip back into a place I hate, a place of uncertainty about myself, my worth, my worry that I must be a really awful person in order to attract such ugliness in my life...
Refusing to believe this is me and my mental health, i let tears flow instead.  Silent crying.
Then come the thoughts of being alone and dealing with life.  Being not good at dealing with life when the mental health dips.

Something I do know is I want to forget about becoming a Dr.  Doing that Phd seems something so unimportant.

Could I retire next year?  Simply continuing to write and make films for my living.  Travelling.  Maybe forgetting the entire food thing. Taking care of my mother who has dementia.  Possibly fostering babies too.  Making life more simple....

I just feel :I want to quit. To run.  To make life simple and get to work on my back issue and definitely on my mental health.  Going swimming, walking the dog, all these things....

Life feels like it needs to be lived yet I feel broken hearted for the person who has been attacked from the inside out.  Yes, I'm sensitive, this is something I know.  But its who I am.

Right away, I am back to that person who feels like a sad person. Alone. Sensitive.

Why I am an idiot!

So over on my personal (lifestyle) blog "Louise Usher" I generated a very powerful blog post which has gone very viral!  On this post I wrote about my passions for travel, writing and all things Lusher Life.  Now, this morning I have come into uni to work in the coffee shop as I know I will be much less distracted than at home.

2 hours to work on a project is a lot of time for me. I am amazingly fast it seems. Hope that doesn't mean I don't work well on it, but I get lots done.

Now I have spent these 2 hours researching blinking Phd courses and the like. Why? Why? Why?

Stop it Lou! Stop! Stop!

The post I wrote was full of clarity and I know what I want and why.  Do I want to get up to a frosty train station and travel into London? Not really.  Why do I even consider this? I know where I want my career to be and being unwell last week (did I tell you?) gave me total clarity that I was going to be someone who travels and reviews places to stay and eat with health  issues, special diets and/or intolerances and allergies.  Even if the said catering place doesn't pay for the review, this is something I can report back on Youtube and websites and generate revenue this way. Honestly, I hate to be so calculated but you need to earn a crust right?

Yes you do and I want to make life work for me in the best way possible which I believe is to travel and see some of the world. While having time to Yoga and sort out my health issues - I'm going to the gym tonight YAY!
I had a quick look at the student blogs on the place I was looking at online.  A Phd student wrote about the impact on mental health while doing a Phd.  Now would I go back in time and never join uni?

Probably.

If I had known how things were going to work out I expect it would have sounded like I had died and gone to hell.
Firstly there was the panic attacks, then the anti-depressant medication, coupled with hating the public, and public places. Having an issue (definitely mental health) with getting on a train and getting off again.  Living with my curtains permanently closed in my house and being paranoid at so many levels.

Moving to a university closer to home was a good move. I like this uni. There are a few kind people. There are also some nasty buggers. This academic life is so competitive.  I don't like that AT ALL.
Then we have Dad being so ill he was rushed to intensive care and we lost him a few days later, planning the most amazing funeral (this was my coping mechanism) and finally getting back to uni to catch up and just about pass that year.  Wanting every day to go see Mum as I was so worried about her on her own.
A year later and mum is in the same intensive care with heart block.  Seriously ill.  Heart surgery.  Me missing uni for pretty much 3 months.
One night we were in casualty all night long. We had a presentation to do at 9am.  I left mum in casualty with my ex, dashed into uni, smashed it with the presentation, left immediately (missed about 2 hours of doing nothing in casualty) and sorted mum again.
Mum then had a dementia diagnosis.
Moved in with us.  I slept on the sofa for months.  We did a home made loft conversion.  Mum got a room. I got a bed back.
All the while of course I am suffering with my back, my crohns.
Failing year 2 by just a couple of percent on one module.  Retaking.  Passing.
Divorce for me.
Teaching my twins to drive.
Buying many cars!
MY daughter being run off the road by a drunk on her first day driving.
Nightmares.  All over.

Last week, apparently I was close to needing intestinal surgery.  As I literally crawled into uni on my knees (not quite but you imagine) high on tramadol, the department head pretty much told me to pull myself together or apply for EC.

Nasty.

How  have I survived?  Honestly I don't know.  Now.  I feel I had clarity.  I do have clarity.  So why am I being drawn into this silly idea of becoming a Dr?  The buzz?  Surely there will be a better buzz by travelling the world? That's called living the dream, not becoming a Dr?

Focus Lou.  Focus.

5am thoughts about my university work in year 3

Today, I am having a struggle.

Today, I feel better physically than I did this past week.  Pain, kidney infections, lumber pain, hip pain, more pain, leukocytes in my urine, blood, protein, ketones, so the dr sent me for an X-ray thinking kidney stones.  Shock waved its way over me as I was informed there is an intestinal blockage.  For someone with crohns, this is terrible news.  I began to write a will.

Realising that life sometimes teters on the edge of scary and fragile, I wrote a blog post over on my main website.  How life has taken over from me and has a life of its own now.  For the past 3 years at university I have felt the face of adversity telling me to come away from it all.  Really strongly and oh my gosh even writing it here, knowing you won't read it for 3 years, is just a massive sigh coming out of my body and onto the digital paper.  Oh gosh, I sigh literally.  Journalling is more than a therapy.  But in words I cannot explain.

Calmly, I feel like quitting. Yet for the past ONE MONTH is the first time in university I haven't wanted to quit.  IT was more than a nice feeling.  I have loved the workload, the actual work, the understanding of what is going on in the classroom.  Answering all the questions when others seemed not to be able to.

Epiphany hit me as i realised i was finally doing what I had wanted to do all these years.  I was becoming a nutritionist.

Just as I was about to fist bump the air, is when the health issue struck.
Knocked me off my feet. In and out of hospital.
Couldn't even manage to text without messing it up so it wasn't  a chance to get caught up on uni work.

This morning I feel a little better.  Quite a lot better in fact.  So i get up early to start some work.  5AM early.

Flipping the screen up on my laptop as i sit here drinking my coffee, listening to the dog snore and sending occasional chats to a uni friend who is visiting India, I feel a need to write.  Not nutrition stuff.  Not uni stuff.  This stuff.  Stories.  I want to write stories.  I could do that all day, and would do that all day, and should do that all day. I know this in my bones.

Lack of exercise and eating right has not helped my health. I want it back. I want me back.
Uni has knocked the stuffing out of me and I really wanted to end my stories on here with a positive twist of knowing I had a Phd and how it was all worth it in the end.  A PHD in science.  Wow makes me sound uber smart.
Without meaning to sound judgemental, many of the academics might have a flash title and all but not enough time or money to really live life in a way i really want to live life.  I want to travel and see things.  I can't due to all of this uni work.  Nothing else is holding me back.  Truly it isn't.
Part of me really loves uni but i think if i strip it back, i could gladly take my laptop into the coffee shop at uni, park the car and sit with my coffee and write for some time.  It's what I love.  It feels easy.  And it's what I want.   Taking photos, creating videos.

Let's be honest here.

Before I started university I was in debt.  I also was nursing a broken heart and feeling as though I finally had to deal with the fact I wouldn't have any more children. So I wanted something massive to deal with to take the pain away. And to pay to keep me afloat.   So here we are.  University final year. plus with a massive unconditional offer for a masters degree.  All online.  Food safety and quality management.  Do I want it? I'm not sure yet.
So the debt is pretty much gone.  The idea was this would buy me writing time to get things off the ground and making more money but I hadn't factored in aging parents, taking care of all that comes along with that.  Lacking in time to write, that then puts out my fire for life.  Yet it doesn't really as its still there burning away in the embers.

I need to research Arginine now and upload it on some portal kind of website thing but to be honest,  I feel like I'm frustrated and can't be bothered with it. Oh, another hot flush.  Is this menopause?  Dr says no.

Year 3 summary.  I love it. And I don't.  I have clarity on my future. That's quite priceless.

Food innovation

This subject of Food innovation seems to have caught my attention.  Knowing I have a love for business (that is, creating a life you love, not having a million pound business that creates lots of stress) and also for food, I can see a way forward for me as a nutritional scientist.

Allergy testing is something which I currently offer as a service across the globe via the internet.  I love it of course.
Knowing how much food allergies have changed my life, I am passionate beyond words about sharing this with others. Hmm, got me thinking once again...

I'm single

I didn't mention this on here before.

I'm single.

It's hard and it's easy.  Life is easier but I miss him.  My best friend.
I'm not looking to replace him and I didn't think this was the place to talk about it. Yet reading through a past email I mentioned him.  so, the update is, we are now just friends...

Enough about that...

I wish I had known this before - life now makes sense

Finishing a day of hairdressing.  Ugh.  Lovely people, easy work (after doing it all these years) but just ugh.

I'm tired.  Feeling weak.  Need to sleep.  I took myself to the cemetery today to visit Dad.  I was so tired I set my alarm and slept in the car for half an hour before I was off to my next clients.

Recently, I: have been soul searching, jeez I always seem to soul search.  The answers are now coming.  Yesterday I went along to a medium for a reading. A respected person who is well known in his field.  He was amazing.  I felt at home for a couple of hours. It's totally changed a lot.
During the reading he asked if I'm a counsellor.  "Well, no, but I am a kind of coach" I informed him. Not quite knowing how to put it.
By the end of this genius reading I had the guy asking me for help with his words.  He wanted me to coach him.  He is blind.  He could only form an opinion of me by everything other than sight.  Anyhow I digress.  Driving around today I have had time to think between clients.  Looking back to old old times, we took time to groom ourselves, to cook properly, to eat well, to sleep.  Now it's all stress and hustle and bustle.  My crohns gut can't handle it. I'm super tired constantly.  I need help with my diet, my house.  I am hiding out here in Marks and Spencer cafe as I can't face going home.  Its chaos there.  Along side that reason, I just really wanted to write a bit....you understand.  You know me well enough by now to know I just have a need to write.

Finally I have figured stuff out.  I am a person who used to get so much out of working like a horse but that was all i ever did. I ate on the job, I was cooked for, I didn't have to shop, the house didn't get messy as I was never there.  Now, I have a messy house which gets messy when I'm not there yet it's up to me to sort it.  I am not that well. I'm trying to sort mums life out.  Selling her house, as well as the contents of it.  It's all too much.

Now, with the coach comment and the fact of how I feel I know where I'm going and what I'm doing.  I'm going to coach folks on a retreat. This is a retreat I will own.  We will talk all sorts of things.  I will swim at the pool.  I will walk in the nature. I will write and eat healthily.  I wish I had the words to describe how I feel but it's like I'm in heaven. Life is taking me to an amazing place I have never felt I have been before.  It's making sense.  Finally.

Failed! Yo-yo feelings...

So yes that letter came and I heard I had failed.  NOT passed.  Remember?

So today I head to university feeling very sorry for myself, not sure if I should throw things in, defer a year or what.  Today was/is an open day for the university and I stepped into my uniform of the student ambassador that I negatively am and arrived feeling heated.  After tears from me (as the boss put her arms around me) and another sad face from my co-worker Sharon (lovely lady) I realised I was not going to be able to keep it together. I offered to go home.  No they said. Now I'm glad they said no.  I had a great day; honestly!

Speaking to those of great intelligence and feeling inspired by those speaking of post grad qualifications, I felt and realised that I was in fact definitely one of those people who blows off hot stream in order to keep myself going.  You know one of those people who thrive and live off stress?  I hate to admit that as it's so super messed up.

Knowing that post grad applications need to go in by September, I decided I am going to go for it at the retake, make a good job of it, apply for post grad and see what happens. If the family needs me and I need to put the post grad stuff on hold, or of course I may decide I don't want to do it, then I can decide that later.

Today I remembered why I started university.  The people were awesome today.  The actual academic stuff is not why but the experience is.  For sure.  Loved it!

Failed year 2!!!!!!

You have NOT passed.

In capital letters.  Nice.  Cheers.

So helpful.  They don't give a crap!

All I have been through.  The death of Dad, the heart attack of mum,  myocarditis of husband, (Ish husband) and they write it in capital letters.

Ok it's sideways but you can still see the words NOT..

Jeez they said there would be nothing on metabolic disorders and there was.  One exam failed.  It wasn't even an exam, I passed that, it was a test....just a test....
Frigging lack of help.  Honestly.....

I'm so super angry.

I had extenuating circumstances on everything and still they wouldn't let that little 5% go....

5% damn you!

I hate the system, I hate that they speak so badly to everyone. I hate that they don't help and have no beating hearts inside them.  They are horrid people!
I started out on this course to stop myself pining for a baby.  Mum and Dad were travelling the world on their little journeys of life and now look.... yet no help at all.

Do I retake then defer year 3? I might.

Or get a girl friday for an apprentice to take care of mum, the house, the social media sharing?  That might be possible....hmm....options.  Now that feels better!

Last day of year 2

Who would have known when this journey began that I would have wished I was as slim as when I started?

I thought I was fat. 

Everyday I pulled on my jeans, put on my make up and straightened my hair to within an inch of its healthy life and I felt I wasn't enough.  I was wrong.

I was happy, carefree and I was good enough.
Looking back on selfies from 3 years ago, I looked healthier and fresher.  This is nothing to do with 3 years of history showing on my face.  Sonia, my PhD friend warned me that this process ages you.  She isn't wrong.

Part of me wouldn't mind.  If it were all worth it.  Yet is it?
What am I reaching for? To be called Dr? For someone to say, "Isn't she really smart?" To prove something to myself?  Well I was called Dr Usher yesterday! Got to laugh, I filled in a form online and decided it would be fun to select "Dr" instead of Mrs. They called me while Scott and I were in Marks and Spencer talking about #examgate (tell you in a minute!), "Is that Dr Usher?" I screwed my face up in fun and mouthed to Scott "Dr Usher" while pointing to the phone.

Beginning way back 4 years ago I had this crazy idea to get a degree. I had been searching for something. I wasn't too sure what.   After a heartbreak and the idea of giving up my dream for more children, I felt I needed something.  My children were 13 at the time and Dad was happy to step up and do a few school runs while Mum was going to start cleaning one day a week for me.  The old, sad heartbroken me was no more.
Fast forward to a couple of twins who need driving lessons and encouragement, a Dad who has passed away and a Mum with heart disease and dementia.  On top of all this, my healed heart is happy spending time with my Scott who has survived myocarditis.  It's all too surreal.  My daughter has had a particularly bad bout of glandular fever (mono) and as for me, more and more diagnosis are coming my way.  Ankylosing spondylitis as well as facet joint arthritis is giving me grief.  Then began the menstrual issues.  Thinking it was age, I got an innocent scan.
"You've got adenomyosis and must be in pain."  As well as that, I have got endometriosis back which haunted me for many pre-child years.  A lovely little chocolate cyst reminds me its there.  Of course the crohns is always my enemy and trying to get on top of allergies when my right eye constantly runs is all a nightmare.
I'm not sleeping past 5am as I am in the living room while Mum is upstairs in my comfy bed.
Who would have thought it?

Daring not to mention my dog Harley and his ulcer in his eye.
A middle of the night vet trip set me back a few quids! Bless him with his shivering temperature and closed eye. He was in so much pain.  Improving now but all thanks to the love I have extended to them all.  I'm shattered.

University has not been supportive hardly at all.  To be honest, one lady has.  She is my boss there.  She understands health struggles and she takes care of us.
My peers have patted me on the back and praised me for not quitting.
3 times I have been encouraged to 'interrupt my studies' but no. I think this far I may have done enough to pass.  Yet todays exam (nutrition) eludes me.

I have nothing more to give.  Honestly.  I have done with revision and I am hoping to go in and do enough to pass.

At this crazy 5.45am blog writing session I am thankful.
For you guys being there to let me get everything out of my head and onto paper. Therapy indeed.
Thankful for the opportunity to develop myself into someone I hadn't realised I was.  Apart from smart and good at maths, I know I have the love and strength in me that I was never praised for as a child.  Always feeling not good enough. I now believe I am good enough.  These struggles showed me that despite the turbulence, I can cope, I can do it well and I can be so loving at these times.

What I can't be is forgiving of university.  One rule for them, one rule for us.  They can use bad english and misspell words, heck they can even be rude in replying to an email.  Yet for us, no.  Don't even go there! Dare not to sign off with your name.  Crime committed.
They have almost ruined my life to the point it is genius.  Never before have I been clearer of where I am going and what I want.  Never before have I realised that even though people think they are better than us, they definitely aren't.
Highlighting that despite paying £9k a year in fees (making us a fantastic client for them) we could not expect good customer service. Woe betide us if we flashed that one at them.

What's it all about?  The journey.

Do I believe qualifications are the be all and end all?  No.  But I'm excited for the future experiences they have led me to.  Going to a place of knowing what I want is exciting!

Why you might be so miserable...

I am so miserable.  Really, really feel unhappy.

I can tell you what it is and likely you have the exact same reason.

You are not feeding your soul.


You know that feeling when you can smile inside?  For me it is stroking my dog or walking among trees.  Well everything feels different for me at that time. I'm sure there is some science in it.  The videos I watch say how you can change your cells with your thoughts...let me see if I can find one and insert it here.

Also, when I was walking within the countryside I could see myself fill up, just look at this video, you will see no glimmer of being miserable.

I do love Louise Hay, she talks about thoughts and how they can dominate our health.  I do agree with this stuff! 

I'm off to the JACUZZI.  This will fill me up for a couple of hours.  What about yourself? 

Revision: Activation of innate mechanism of immunity

Accuracy is not guaranteed, these are my revision notes.


Question:  Give an account of the activation of innate mechanisms of immunity and evaluate its role in ensuing inflammatory processes

The human body contains many physical barriers to infection and pathogens.  Skin is a major defence barrier.  Mucosal layers in membranes such as the gut, respiratory systems, digestive systems generally,  urinary tract are all protected by the physical barrier.  Eye fluid contains bacterial enzymes.
Peptides in skin prevent bacteria and fungi from entering broken, inflamed areas.  However, at  times, things go wrong.

* Pathogen enters intratissue space
Second lines of defence are needed and the toll like receptors give a reaction. (?)

1. Phagocytes engulf pathogens.
2. Neutrophils (the most abundant type of White Blood Cell) consume pathogens and disintegrate forming pus.
3.  Macrophages - move out of the blood to occupy tissues.  Uses cytoplasmic extensions to engulf and digest.
4. Natural Killer cells (NK cells) - patrol lymph and blood looking for abnormal cells.  Uniquely they can kill your own cells if they are infected with virus or have become cancerous.
- identified by MHC1 (lack of it)
-releases enzyme into the cell to trigger apoptosis.

Internal innate defences include
1. Fever
2. Chemical signals
3. Inflammation

Inflammatory response includes
-Redness
-Swelling
-Heat
-PAin

*Mast cells in connective tissues send out histamine which causes vasodilation.  Allowing more cells to the site to fight the pathogen.
*Heat increases metabolic rate so the cells can heal themselves faster.
*Swelling - forms scabs and triggers lymphatic system which cleans up fluid.
*inflammation also attracts phagocytes and lymphocytes
- neutrophils are beginning to die off at the stage
-skin cells release leukocytosis
-if overrun by virus or serious infection, the hypothalamus raises body temperature into fever.  This also flags the liver and spleen to hold onto iron and zinc which can't contribute to bacterial growth.

When things go wrong:

HIV -

Autoimmunity - attack 'self'

Epidemiology - Bias

"Define and specifically discuss the different types of bias within the context of scientific research and their possible consequences in the nutrition field"

Wiki: In science and engineering, bias is a systematic error.  Statistical bias results from an unfair sampling of a population, or from an estimation process that does not give accurate results on average.

Pre-trial bias = Flawed study design, Selection bias, channelling bias
Bias during trial = Interviewer bias, Recall bias, transfer bias, misclassification of exposure or outcome, performance bias, chronology bias
Bias after trial = Citation bias, confounding


How to avoid bias:
Pre-trail bias

Flawed study designs - clearly define risk and outcome. Standardize and blind data collection.

Selection bias - Select patients using rigorous criteria to avoid confounding results. Chose patients from the same population. Avoid selection bias as outcome is unknown at time of enrolment.

Channeling bias - Assign patients to study cohorts using rigorous criteria

Bias during trial

Interviewer bias - Blind interviewer to exposure status and other factors. Standarize interviewers interaction with patient.
Chronology bias - Avoid using historic controls.

#examgate

Group chat:

Woah that was amazing guys

Yeah thank god. It's over and it was good.

What? Are you guys kidding right?

Anna and I were taking our exams in another room.  The other 4 of our group were in the main exam hall.
All in the hall were told to cross out the last 10 questions and were given another piece of paper which was totally nothing we had revised.

Anna and I were just given the usual paper.  Cutting a very long story short, the head of science was rude, defensive and not at all apologetic for this mistake.  Sadly for Anna and I (but fairly) all questions were erased.

The entire thing has all been a nightmare.  I'm getting sick of all this.

Revision: Fertilisation

Please bear in mind these are my revision notes and I can't quite promise their accuracy.  Do your own research too! Typing these out will help me remember as we are heading into a seen exam this afternoon!


Question: Describe the cellular and molecular events that occur during fertilisation

Approximately 200million spermatozoa are released during ejaculation in intercourse, travelling through the vagina and swimming through the cervix propelled by whip like motions of the flagella.  After which  muscular contractions of the uterus direct them to the fallopian tubes.
This process usually takes between 30 minutes and 2 hours.  Around 200 spermatozoa will reach the oocyte in the fallopian tube.  Only one will fertilise.

Capacitation and the acrosomal reaction must take place before fertilisation can begin.  Secretions from he uterus wall destabilise the plasma membrane surrounding the head of the seprm resulting in the membrane becoming more fluid which helps prepare the sperm for the events of fertilisation.  The sperm become hyperactive as they move through the corona radiata and come into contact with the zonae pellucida.  Here, specific receptor proteins called ZP3 triggers the acrosomal reaction during which the enzymatic contents of the acrosome are released.  These enzymes digest a path through the zonae pellucida into the perivitelline space  and reach the plasma membrane of  the secondary oocyte.  Here the fusion takes place.

To ensure only one sperm fuses a fast and slow block is released preventing any further ZP3 being released and therefore preventing polyspermy.  The slow block is depolarisation and fast block sees
 a wave of intracellular calcium being released causing small cortical granules beneath the oocyte membrane to release their contents.  Thus rendering ZP3 inactive making the zonae pellucid impermeable.

Upon sperm entering, the oocyte undergoes Meiosis 2 and further develops into a female pronucleus. During this time the sperm develops into male pronucleus.  The two pronuclei fuse to form one single diploid nucleus known as a zygote.

Revision - Main characteristic of Viruses.

NB this is my own revision and I cannot promise accuracy - do research.

Question:
a)  Discuss in depth the main characteristics of viruses

Viruses are not classed as living things as they cannot replicate without a host.  They do not have a metabolism.
Viruses spread using cells.
They have a protein coat called a capsid.
Viruses are very small, much smaller than bacteria.
They are difficult to treat.

b) Give a detailed account of the main events involved in a typical virus life cycle

A virus enters the body and locates a host cell.  As it fuses, it uses the protein coat to enter the cell.  Here,  it enters either a lytic cycle or a lysogenic cycle .  Nucleic acid will be used to reform DNA/RNA and change the genetic material of the cell.
The lytic cycle then sees the cell erupt making copies of the other cells.  Leaving holes in the cell membrane gives ease to apoptosis of the cell as it cannot survive without the membrane.
The lysogenic cycle uses DNA to hide in cells until immune comprimisation occurs.

c)  List factors contributing to viral pathogenicity and to the nature and severity of viral diseases.

Pathogenicity refers to the ability of an organism to cause disease (i.e. harm the host).  This ability represents a genetic component of the pathogen and the damage done to the host is a property of the host-pathogen reactions.

Natural killer cells are lymphocytes, they recognise this virus and kill.
The severity of viral diseases is dictated by the immune response. In several immune deficiency diseases including AIDS NK cell function is abnormal.
NK cells binds to cell and releases toxins which produces holes int he target cells membrane creating apoptosis.
NK cells may also contribute to immunoregulation by recreating high levels of influential lymphokines.

Revision: Fertilisation

Q1B - please see previous blog post for Q1A - Remember these are my revision notes and you must do your own research for accuracy.

Question:  Outline the experimental evidence for the role of one molecule in fertilisation

Baibakov et al found human sperm bind to Homo sapiens zonae pellucida but not to those of non-human primates.
Human sperm only bind to zonae pellucid with contained human ZP2.  Recognition of fertilisation within species is dependant on a N-terminal domain of ZP2.  After fertilisation degradation takes place of N-terminal ZP2 to block polyspermy.

Failing exams

Two results are in and I failed.

Metabolism and Disease
Immunology.

Immunology I actually passed the exam but the phase test earlier in the year I only got 5% and it dragged me down.

I don't know what I'm thinking.  Could I do any better? I did my very best and was convinced I smashed it. Something is wrong here as so many of us didn't pass...

Promise of 2017 - Cardiology

The promise of a new year.  2017.  As the media, the public and the laymen happily rang out 2016 with the wearing of black as we said farewell to the biology of so many talented individuals, we started 2017 with hope.

Everyone being sure 2017 has got to be better than its predecessor. 

My family sighed with relief too as we rang in the new year (me in my nightwear in the middle of a dairy farm in Wales).  Last year was full of worry and tragedy.  Yet we made it through.  Stronger as  a family than ever.  My knowledge of the brain stem, strokes and death far more inscribed in my brain than before as we celebrated the life of my 74 year old father.

We miss him, of course.

With those words of "Mum will live to 100" coming back to haunt me, we rushed her into casualty with a pulse of 45,  stars in her eyes and feeling as though she would lose consciousness at any minute.  

"Heart block" the paramedic had explained.  

The second ECG at hospital showed progession from 1st degree to 2nd degree as they took Mums blood from her bruised vein.  Tropotin was through the roof.  This is an enzyme released by damaged heart cells.  This showed us mum had an MI.  A heart attack.

Her care was fantastic.  Right away, fragmin in her belly, aspirin down her throat and canulas a plenty.  Recussitation trolley all day long gave her a 'bum ache' as she laughed along with the nurses.  This was very serious.  Yet her spirit remained unscathed as I quoted her on Facebook so her friends could see her sense of humour was definitely not harmed.  

A week in intensive care,  a stent in the Right Coronary Artery which was 99% blocked, left one showing a few signs,

echocardiogram showing 'significant damage' to her heart muscle and constant monitoring showing me that she was missing beats.  They called them Blips to Mum.  That was all she needed to know.  I researched and researched and took photos of her trace to send to my contacts in the know.  Turns out their diagnosis via mobile phone was right, Mobitz 2.  

Making the most of Mum,  having her home with us, I was immediately thankful.  Until I realised the sounds of Phil and Holly presenting on This Morning right behind my desk was very distracting.  

Can I cope?  Can I continue my studies, work and look after mum, Scott and the twins?  Of course I can.  I can do anything I put my mind to!

Up against it, yes.  

Not beaten.